2004 has been a troubling year. Major events and crucial policies that might have seemed, on their surface, to be shaped by the will of the people have turned out, in reality, to be crafted by cabals of shadowy men, driven by their own dark purposes.

These men thumbed their noses at democracy. They twisted the truth and tweaked the evidence. They saw what they wanted to see and ignored all dissent. And these men have one more troubling quality in common:

They all look exactly like Karl Malden.

That's because, as Fametracker has documented for five years running, the Academy Awards are not decided, as commonly believed, by some free vote cast by so-called "Academy members" -- none of whom has ever been seen in public. To the contrary, the Oscars are decided by five clones of Karl Malden, who meet secretly once a year in a bunker buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign.

Each such meeting starts with the traditional banging of the gong, performed by the large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett who serves as the Maldens' man-servant. And once Brett bangs the gong, the Maldens surely do get it on -- if by "get it on," you mean determine who'll wins, who'll weep, and who'll get an invite to spend the wee hours of Monday in Malden #5's hot tub, wearing the victor's lingering glow and nothing else.

Here, once again, Fametracker invites you to listen in on the secret deliberations of the Malden Five.

And please -- as always, predictions contained herein are not for wagering, but for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Well, this should be a quick one. Most of the categories are formalities, as far as I can see. Let's just dot the "i"s and cross the "t"s and then we can get the hell out of here.

Malden #4: I vote Cold Mountain across the board. Brett -- my ermine cape, if you please.

Malden #2: It's a little late for that, Number 4 -- Cold Mountain was hardly nominated for anything.

4: What happened? Did Harvey's check bounce?

Malden #3: It's not about money. Number 5's still mad about that incident from last year.

Malden #5: I expressly told him I wasn't finished with that dessert!

1: Gentlemen, please! Let's take this one category at a time. We'll start with something easy -- a shoo-in. Can we all agree on Charlize Theron for Best Actress and move on?

2: Hello, Charlize! I'd like to find myself "there on"!

3: Monster? More like Mount Her!

4: I'd like her to torch my groin -- so it can burn at Theron-heit 451!

5: I'd like to pick her up on some desolate stretch of highway and have her fire her gun into my forehead!

1: Enough! Let's move on.

4: Hey -- aren't we forgetting Diane Keaton?

2: Look, if I wanted to watch some crazy geriatrics screaming at the sight of each other's naked bodies, I'd just hang out at Malden #5's house on a Saturday night!

1, 2, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

2: Yeah! Something's Gotta Give...me my money back!

3: And Jack his pants back!

4: I'd like to jack Jennifer Connelly's pants back!

1: What the hell does that mean?

4: I don't know. But I'd sure like to do it.

3: What about Samantha Morton?

1: Unless she's in some way related to the steak house of the same name, then -- no.

2: Keisha Castle-Hughes?

1, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

2: Whale Rider? More like Male Rider!

5: More like Hey -- I'll Ride Her!

1: Number 2! Number 5! She's thirteen years old.

5: I see your point. But I stand by my double entendre.

4: More like you'd like the, er, Doublemint Twins to, um, stand on ya.

1: What? Silence! Please -- can we get back on track?

3: There's always Naomi Watts.

1: No! Look! It's already been decided! It's Charlize Theron!

2, 3, 4, and 5: Okay, mister dictator, we thought this was a democracy, so much for "freedom," grumble grumble, etc.

1: Think of it this way -- If we give her the Oscar for putting on all that hideous makeup and those wacky teeth, then she'll spend the next six months trying to re-glamourize herself. Ergo -- lots of magazine covers, plenty of slinky dresses and general va-va-voom. It worked with Hilary Swank and Nicole Kidman.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Done, yes, noted, your wisdom is infallible, the va-va-voom trumps all, etc.

1: And that category was supposed to be easy! People, I have a high colonic at 6! And a low colonic at 5:45 just to limber up. So let's keep this moving. All right, let's get those troublesome Supporting Awards out of the way. Best Supporting Actor -- any suggestions?

3: Ken Watanabe?

1: Maybe after we're finished. Though I had a late breakfast and my stomach's a little testy.

4: Benicio Del Toro?

1: No thanks. I told you I'm feeling a bit off. How about we just send Brett out for Arby's?

2: Djimon Hounsou?

1: For crying out loud! Doesn't anyone around here eat cheeseburgers anymore? I told you -- I'm having a high colonic!

3: Alec Baldwin?

1: Now you're talking my language! I say we give him the statue. Then he won't have to fight those nasty custody battles for the right to visit Kim's Oscar every other weekend. Besides, I like that Baldwin. He's one of us. Old school Hollywood. He knows where the bodies are buried. He's got three clones. Plus, my kids loved his work in Thomas the Tank Engine.

2, 3, 4, and 5: True, yes, you speak the purest truth, he makes an excellent locomotive, the scales have been lifted from our eyes, etc.

4: Aren't we forgetting Tim Robbins?

2: Sure, that's just what we need. A full two-minute window of attention for Baron Von Ribbonschest.

3: Yeah -- great idea. Let's hand the mike to Johnny Babbleseed.

4: Step right up to the podium, Buzz-kill Lightyears-Long-Speech.

1: Enough -- I declare Number 2 the winner. Okay. Let's move on to Best Supporting Actress -- my favourite category! Show me the hotties!

3: Shohreh Aghdashloo.

1: No, I said "Show me the hotties." What is that -- pig latin? Is this the model UN? I need headshots, not a translator.

3: No -- Shohreh Aghdashloo. She's nominated for House of Sand and Fog.

1: More like House of Man I'm Bored. Next?

2: Holly Hunter, Thirteen.

1: Didn't we already have this discussion, you pervs?

2: No -- she was in Thirteen. The movie about the crazy teenage girls gone wild with sex, drugs, and do-it-yourself piercings.

1: If I wanted to see that, I'd go over to Malden #5's house on a Saturday night, crawl into his ear, curl up in his brain, and wait for the dreams to begin.

5: Oh, they've begun, my friend. They've begun. No latecomers admitted.

3: Then you should have no trouble getting a seat, Quick Draw.

4: And if I wanted to see a movie like that -- wait, I do want to see a movie like that. Who's got the DVD screener? Is that it resting under your Tom Collins, Number 3?

3: No, that's the Seabiscuit DVD.

4: Where's Thirteen?

1: Already uploaded to the internet, muchacho. Ring-a-ding-ching-ching. Now come on -- time's a-wastin'. Gimme another name.

3: Marcia Gay Harden.

1: Gay? Harden? It has potential, but like I said, I'm feeling a little off. Number 4, will you do the honours?

4: With pleasure. Gay Harden? Isn't that the answer to the questions: What is Number 5? And what happens inside his pants when anyone mentions David Beckham?

1: Hmmm. Shoddy work. I should have gone with Number 2.

4: I recognize my shoddiness.

5: How about Patricia Clarkson? She's a wonderful actress who did great work in several films this year, including Pieces of April and The Station Agent. And we ignored last year for her fine turn in Far From Heaven.

1: And you're telling us this because....

5: I'm making a case for awarding her the Oscar.

1: And you're telling us this because....

5: I think she's a fine talent.

1: And....

5: She's been underrecognized for far too long.

1: And....

5: Um...because I'd like to introduce her to my Peter Dinklage?

1: Bingo! You see, Number 5, we all have to work together. Fine. Done. Zip-zap-zoop. Now on to Best Actor.

4: I think we all know it's got to be Bill Murray.

2: But Sean Penn was brilliant in Mystic River! A stirring portrait of of coiled rage!

3: Not to mention the paralysis brought on by moral crisis!

5: And don't discount Ben Kingsley! His excellent body of work shouldn't be held against him!

3: I wish Jennifer Connelly's excellent body of work would be held against me!

1: Okay, two things: first of all, through some clerical error that I am currently investigating, Jennifer Connelly was not nominated this year. And second of all, I totally agree. Rowrrrr.

3: And what about Johnny Depp? He bagged a SAG Award.

4: I'm looking at Number 5 right now, and if they're giving out SAG trophies, he looks ready for a lifetime achievement award.

5: Hey! We're clones! We sag equally!

1: But what about Depp?

5: [softly] You taunt me now but one day I'll have my revenge.

2, 3, and 4: What's that?

5: I said, I'd like to introduce her to my Peter Dinklage.

1: Silence! I am shocked at you clones.

2, 3, 4, and 5: What? Why? What? Who? Us? What? Why? Us?, etc.

1: Oh, I'll tell you why.

[Brett begins playing "Battle Hymn of the Republic" softly on the gong.]

1: Because you've disappointed me. Because you've betrayed everything the Five Clones of Karl Malden stand for. Because here we have a movie in which a craggy, grumpy, disillusioned fiftysomething loser -- who's sold his soul for a paycheck and a splash of scotch -- spends ninety minutes in a tux with his bowtie loosened, warming a barstool, getting drunk, singing off-key karaoke, and macking on an eighteen-year-old chick. And if that's not a role we can get behind, then dammit, I don't know what is! [choking up] I don't know what is.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Yes!! It's true! I've seen the light! Preach it! Hallelujah! Glory be! Amen! Testify!, etc.

1: Good. I'm glad we're agreed. Now let's wrap this puppy up and get the hell out of here. I have a date with a bottle of Maalox and pages fifty-six through sixty-one of the new issue of FHM. What? That's how I always prep for my colonics. Which brings us to Best Picture. My vote's for Lord of the Rings. Who's with me?

2: What about Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World?

3: I couldn't even make it to the colon without dozing off.

1: One prize-winning colon this year is enough -- and I'm sitting on it!

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

4: Lost in Translation?

1: No -- judging from the laughter, I think everyone got it.

5: Seabiscuit?

1: No, and neither did most of America.

2: Mystic River?

1: I fell asleep in the first two minutes. You've seen one stickball movie, you've seen them all. Speaking of which, whatever happened to those kids, anyway?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Not sure, I dozed off too, unclear, I also was confused, the sins of the past came back to reap a terrible harvest, etc.

1: Well, gentlemen, then I think we have our winner: Lord of the Rings! Finally! Now maybe Jackson will stop making the damn things.

5: I hear his plan was to make one a year until he won.

1: Well, let's throw him a golden doorstop and be done with it. And unless there's anything else, I've got pipes to clean! We're adjourned! Until next year, gents. Brett?

[GONG!]