Each year, around the world, anxious Oscar watchers tune in to see who Hollywood will honor with the laurels of achievement: And by laurels, we mean shiny gold statues cradled by car-show models, and by Hollywood, we mean, of course, five clones of Karl Malden.

Because, as only Fametracker has documented, the Academy Awards are not decided, as commonly believed, by some free vote cast by so-called "Academy members" -- none of whom have ever been seen in public. To the contrary, the Oscars are decided by five clones of Karl Malden, who meet secretly once a year in a bunker buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign.

Each such meeting starts with the traditional banging of the gong, performed by the large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett who serves as the Maldens man-servant. And once Brett bangs the gong, the Maldens surely do get it on -- if by "get it on," you mean determine who'll wins, who'll weep, and who'll get an invite to spend the wee hours of Monday in Malden #5's hot tub, wearing the victor's lingering glow and nothing else.

Here, once again, Fametracker invites you to listen in on the secret deliberations of the Malden Five.

And please -- as always, predictions contained herein are not for wagering, but for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Before we get started, I must admit, I haven't seen too many of these films.

Malden #4: Nope.

Malden #2: Me neither.

Malden #3: Ditto.

Malden #5: Copy that.

1: I mean, it wasn't exactly a scintillating slate. The Aviator? I'll see that later. Ray? Not today. Million Dollar Baby? Not even if you paid me. Finding Neverland? More like Finding La-La-Land. As in, sleep. La-la. Well, you get my drift.

2: More like, it got me drifting! To sleep!

All: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: So I'm a bit sketchy on the details of these films. Then again, that's never stopped us before!

All: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

2: Memo to Hollywood: if you want a clone of Karl Malden to see a movie, how about something with a little eye candy?

4: Yeah. I saw Million Dollar Baby -- I thought it would be a fourteen-year-old Brooke Shields naked, but instead It's a sweaty boy in a sports bra!

3: That's right. We're giving you prizes, Hollywood -- you should be giving us "rises."

5: How about a little tit for tat?

2: How about a little tit for Karl?

1: Enough! We've still got a job to do. We can't have a billion people tune in just to find out the show's been thwarted by a five lazy, self-satisfied, decrepit, sexually frustrated old fossils.

2: And those are just the actors sitting in the front row!

1, 3, 4 and 5: [silence]

2: You know -- Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty!

1, 3, 4 and 5: [silence]

2: You know, how they always sit together in the front row!

1, 3, 4 and 5: [silence]

1: That's only two old men, and I doubt they're sexually frustrated. Let's get a move on. I have a hot stone massage at 4.

2: Stone massage? I'll bet --

1: Cut it out. Let's start with an easy one: Best Supporting Actress. I think we can rule out Sophie Okonedo right off the bat.

3: Sophie Okonee-who?

1: Exactly. At this point, I'd like to remind you, gentlemen, of our solemn duty today -- not only to the nominees, but to the cinema itself. Our choices will be inscribed forever in Hollywood's history books. The decisions we make will echo throughout the halls of Tinseltown lore, and affect the decisions made by countless Oscar-hungry actors, directors, and producers to come. Can you hear that echo, gentlemen? Like an old church bell tolling? Softly, in the distance? Listen to its ring: Thong. Thong. Thong.

4: Oh, yeah. We've got to vote Portman.

3: Winning an Oscar for doing the splits in a thong would set a very important precedent.

2: Strippers. More Oscar-winning strippers. That would make our job a whole lot easier.

4: If Finding Neverland had been called Watch Out For The Ping-Pong Balls!, I totally would have gone to see it.

3: Natalie? More like, What's That I See?

2: Perhaps I should get...Closer.

5: [singing] Let me see your...

1: No Sisqo! NO SISQO! Number 5, you know the rules!

3: There are those who'd argue that Cate Blanchett deserves it for her remarkable performance as Kate Hepburn.

4: I'd be more inclined to vote for her remarkable performance as Kate Hepburn...in a thong!

2: That should seriously be its own category. Every year.

3: Though if we do choose Blanchett, it would make for an interesting Oscar trivia question: which actress won an Oscar for playing another actress whose name was spelled slightly differently than her own name?

1: Hmmmm. That's fascinating. But survey says...thong.

4: Welcome to The Thong Show, and you just got thonged!

1: Then we're agreed. Thong it is.

5: How can something so right feel so thong?

2: Thong in the tooth.

1: Enough with the thong. Remember, people -- hot stone massage. Okay, Best Supporting Actor.

4: Remind me again...?

1: We've got the guy from M*A*S*H*, the guy from Wings, Britty McBritish, the guy who's going to win Best Actor, and Morgan Freeman.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Oh, yeah, Morgan Freeman for sure, certainly, he's majestic, a towering talent, wonderful, a lock, let me see your...

1: No Sisqo! NO SISQO! All right. Best Actor. We've got Jamie Foxx, Don Cheadle, Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, and the exhumed mummified body of the pharoah Tutankhamun -- oops, I mean, Clint Eastwood.

3: Boy, you've never forgiven him for that one time, have you?

1: What time?

3: You know. The time with Eastwood at the place. With the thing. And the stuff.

1: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

3: You know. At the place. With the things. And the hookers. That one time. With the blow. You know. In the freezer. With the ice. And the gift. With the note. And the bra made of human hair.

1: Yes, yes, yes! Well, I won't let that slight or my lingering physical injuries cloud my judgment here. I will be blind, like blind justice. Speaking of which, I say we give it to Jamie Foxx.

4: It's so good to see a handicapped actor do so well.

2: I just don't know how he learned his lines. Maybe they typed out a whole script in braille. That takes awhile.

5: All those bumps.

3: And, really, it's so sad that he died.

5: Really?

3: Sure. Earlier this year.

4: A posthumous Oscar. That's always a tearjerker.

1: Okay, so it's decided. Now, on to a favorite category: Best Actress.

4: I love this one. Bring on the ladies!

3: A-wooooo! Sexy actresses! Who should we give it to this year? Charlize Theron? Halle Berry? Gwyneth Paltrow?

2: I'd like to give it to all three. With a side order of Malden.

4: Malden's mustard.

2: Spicy!

5: So who's on the ballot this year? Who can we lure up to the stage for some acceptance-speech-length period of ogling?

1: Well, there's Imelda Staunton.

3: Yeah! I'd like to -- who?

1: Imelda Staunton.

4: I'd like to Meld Your -- okay, who else?

1: Annette Bening.

3: Hmmm. She's so classy.

2: Yes. Classy.

4: Who else?

1: Kate Winslet.

4: Yeah! Kate Winslet...oooh...I'd like to -- okay, who else?

1: Hilary Swank.

5: She'll punch me in my own face.

1: Then there's Catalina Sandino Moreno.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Yeah! Who-hooo! Baby! Shake that Oscar! We have a winner! etc.

1: Do you have any idea who she is?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Er, no, doesn't ring a bell, sadly, not particularly, sounds pretty though, etc.

1: Did anyone see Maria Full of Grace?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Er, no, can't say I did, just missed it, it was on my list, things came up, time is a fleeting spirit, etc.

3: More like Maria Full of Karl! Eh? Are you with me?

1: That's so wrong. I say we give it to Swank.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Sure, why not, let's move along, good idea, etc.

4: I'd like to give it to -- oh, never mind.

1: Boy, that was a letdown. Let's make sure Thandie Newton gets nominated next year.

3: More like Thongie Newton.

1: Yes! We're back on track. Okay, Best Picture. Let's start with Sideways.

2: How about this: No ways.

3: If I wanted to see shlumpy failed writers and horny washed-up actors sitting around drinking wine, getting drunk, and complaining about life, I'd just hang out at Malden #5's house on a Saturday night!

1, 2, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

5: I did enjoy Sandra Oh.

4: Hey, baby: how would you like me to make you repeat that last name. Over and over and over.

2: I could really get behind her.

3: I'd like to get behind her and have sex with her!

2: I believe that was implicit in my double entendre.

3: Point taken.

4: I'd like to say that to Sandra Oh!

1: Yeah -- why didn't we nominate her for Best Supporting Actress?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Not sure, don't know, oversight, should be looked in to, she was edged out by the fine work of Laura Linney, etc.

1: So Sideways is out. How about Finding Neverland?

3: If I wanted to watch a creepy, asexual nancy-boy spending way too much time with a bunch of preteen boys, I'd just hang out at Malden #5's house on a Sunday night!

1, 2, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Okay. How about Ray?

3: I liked it.

2: But in this field, this picture, while worthwhile, has got no chance.

4: Yes, it's a shame about Ray.

1: No Dando! NO DANDO! You know the rules! So how about Million Dollar Baby?

3: Oh -- it's the Heidi Fleiss story!

4: That's not a movie -- it's Malden #1's expense sheet after a weekend in Vegas.

1: While I do, in theory, support movies about hot chicks fighting in their skivvies, I can't support this movie, which had too few hot chicks and too much of The Mummy Returns.

3: Come on, #1! Let it go! It was just one human-hair bra!

1: No. I can't vote for it.

4: So it looks like it's got to be The Aviator.

1: Of course it's The Aviator! What did you think? Because, gentlemen, if we can't honor a movie about a rich, dashing Hollywood mogul who pursues vainglorious projects while banging his way through half the actresses in Tinseltown, and then deteriorates into a geriatric, paranoid, germaphobic shut-in -- well then, my friends, we can't honor ourselves.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Too true, you've nailed it, the darkness has been lifted, the truth is spoken here, I gotcha, etc.

3: Plus, it would be nice to throw Scorsese a bone.

4: I hear Number 5 knows a little something about that!

5: Hey! It was dark! And I was drunk! And I really, really like Raging Bull!

1: All right, we're done here. Very nice work, as always. Now I've got to go get some hot stones laid lovingly on my back.

3: I bet you --

1: Don't say it! Don't say it! Until next year, gents. Brett?

[GONG!]