Hear ye, hear ye! For the uninitiated, we once again revisit the darkest, most closely guarded secret of Oscar night: that the world's most famous awards are not, as the layman believes, chosen by a large voting body of "Academy" "members," who make their "selections" based on arcane rationales and long-established grudges. You know, rationales such as, "It's Reese Witherspoon's year because Hollywood wants to welcome her to the fold," or "Frances McDormand won't win because she's won before" or "Academy voters can really relate to Crash because they all live in L.A. and secretly distrust Mexicans."

Such a system would be arbitrary, egregious, and unfair.

Instead, the Academy Awards are picked by five clones of Karl Malden, who convene each year in a secret bunker buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by having a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett bang a large gong.

And each one of them has slept with Joan Rivers at least once. There are photos to prove it. Or, in some cases, daguerreotypes.

They also enjoy cognac.

This is as it has been since time began. And this is as it will be until time ends.

Listen in, O Reader, on the delibrations of this hallowed assemblage. And lo, you will crush all your friends in your Oscar pool.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Gentlemen, I apologize in advance. Some top-secret black-ops missions for the U.S. government abroad have kept me occupied in recent months -- you may have seen my work on CNN -- so I must admit I haven't seen all of the nominated films.

Malden #2: What?

Malden #3: An outrage!

Malden #4: Are you serious, man?

Malden #5: Mon dieu!

1: Yes, yes. I know. I apologize, but our freedom was at stake. That said, maybe you can fill me in quickly on some of the plots. What about this one -- Good Night, and Good Luck.?

2: Yeah, that was --

3: By which he means to say --

4: A stirring portrayal of a man who...um, goes to sleep...feeling lucky....

5: A true testament...to sleep...and luck.

1: Wait! Did any of you see this film?

2, 3, 4 and 5: Um, er, well, had every intention, never opened in my town, currently using the screener as a coaster, got sidetracked into seeing Madagascar again, etc.

1: And what about these other films? Capote? Munich? Brokeback Mountain?

2, 3, 4 and 5: Sure, right, next on my list, was absolutely meaning to get out and see that, screener is currently dangling from my rearview mirror, it's way down on my Netflix queue, etc.

1: Well, that's just great. At least I was doing some secret missions! What were you all doing?

2: I was doing some secret positions. If you get my meaning. Joan, stop squirming! Hi-yo!

5: I saw The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

4: Why shouldn't you? It's the story of your life!

3: More like The 240-Year-Old Virgin!

5: Hey! I was only a virgin for forty years! Then I gots my freak on!

2: Ah, Joan. She just gives and gives and gives.

3: I always knew she loved charity work!

2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Enough! Brett, get the video projector and gather my screeners. Gentlemen, we're going to watch all these films right now. We must make informed choices. The American moviegoing public demands it!

[Brett wheels in movie screen and projector. Eight hours later...]

1, 2, and 4: Wow, that was -- hmmmm, real triumphs of the art...interesting...I guess, etc.

5: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

1: All right, gentlemen. Snap to it. Let's start with Supporting Actor. I think the choice is obvious. It's got to be George Clooney.

3: Why? Just because he grew a beard, put on thirty pounds, and had his fingernails ripped out? I did all that last month and no one gave me a prize. Speaking of which, does anyone know a good manicurist? I'm in the market for a new one.

4: I agree with Number 3. Basically, Clooney's whole physical transformation just made him look more like Paul Giamatti. And he's in the category already.

5: And we screwed him last year for Sideways.

2: I'd like to screw Sandra Oh sideways.

4: What's that, Sandra? You like Grey's Anatomy? Because my anatomy is pretty grey.

1: Enough! It's Cloons! He's a great guy. I partied on his yacht with Damon all last summer. You know, between black-ops assignments.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Really? Sure, sure, sounds implausible, we doubt the veracity of your tale, etc.

1: Seriously. I'd just swim ashore when I needed to run a black op in Greece. I have a scuba suit. Now let's move on to the Best Supporting Actresses. Who do we like here?

2: I'd vote for Catherine Keener in Capote, except I think she was playing a dude.

5: Amy Adams was terrific in Junebug.

1: Did you even see Junebug?

5: Wasn't it one of the films we just watched?

2: No.

5: It wasn't the one with the gay cowboy and his journalist boyfriend who hate black people and travel around Europe trying to blow up Joseph McCarthy?

2: No.

5: My bad.

3: Personally, I thought Michelle Williams did an excellent job of capturing the simmering heartbreak of a woman trapped in secretive, sham union.

4: I'd like Michelle Williams to do an excellent job of capturing my simmering heartbreak of a woman trapped in secretive, sham union.

1, 2, 3 and 5: [Silence.]

4: If by "simmering heartbreak of a woman trapped in secretive, sham union," you mean --

1: Yes! Yes! We get it!

4: I'd like to "get it."

1: You'll get it. But you won't like it.

2: Shouldn't we just select the winner by the same, trusted criterion we use every year? To wit: which chick was the nakedest the mostest?

1, 3, 4, and 5: Oh, yeah, of course, Rachel Weisz, delightful, etc.

4: I'd like to "get wise." I'd like to be a "wisenheimer."

2: More like Weisz's Hammer.

5: More like "Weisz, I'm behind her."

3 [singing]: Edelweiss, cradle Weisz, Rachel Weisz, I would screw you...

2: Although, come on. That movie was a total snooze. What a dud of a title: The Constant Gardener. It evokes the thrilling spectacle of someone gardening...constantly.

4: I can't wait for the sequel -- The Intermittent Landscaper.

3: The Sporadic Pool Cleaner.

5: Do you have that guy too? He won't return my calls. If anyone knows a good pool guy, I'm in the market for one right now.

1: All right. So it's decided. Rachel Weisz. Now about Best Actress?

4: Can we please give it to Keira Knightley? Please, please, please? She's so delicious.

2: But she wasn't even that good in that movie.

3: You actually saw Pride & Prejudice?

2: Do I lactate?

3: No.

2: So -- no. But come on -- it's Keira Knightley. We only nominated her to fill out a dress.

4: Hi, Keira. Welcome to the Oscars. Please fill out your name and a dress.

1, 2, 3, and 5: BOOYAH!!

1: Keira's our latest inductee into the Giuseppe Toobey Club.

5: The what?

1: Giuseppe Toobey. You know: "I'm Giuseppe Toobey Nominated. I'm Giuseppe Toobey here tonight." In fact, we only included her because I have a bet with Number 3 that, if Dame Judi Dench wins, she can't say "I'm honored to be included among such fine company" with a straight face.

3: How about Charlize Theron for North Country? She can protest my sexual harrassment anytime.

1: Sure -- because what we really want to be doing is rewarding people for making movies in which gorgeous actresses walk around in coal-smeared coveralls, then get angry with people for trying to pat their behinds. What kind of message does that send to America? Especially now, in a time of war?

2: People want eye candy! They want hottie-tottie! They want -- Felicity Huffman!

1, 3, 4, and 5: Yes, of course, definitely -- wait a second, etc.

2: That's one housewife who can get desparate with me anytime.

1, 3, 4, and 5: Okay, sure, but are you aware that in the film in question, etc.

2: I'd like her to make a trans-America trip -- to my loins.

1, 3, 4, and 5: Hmmm, yes, perhaps you should reconsider, etc.

2: Who's with me?

1: Um, Number 2, you are aware that in the film she's -- you know.

2: What?

1: She's packing -- you know.

2: I thought she was great! And hot! I loves me a husky voice!

1: But she was -- you know.

2: Here I come! Rum-titty-tum!

1: Number 2! She wasn't just happy to see you. If you know what I mean.

2: You mean she -- she wasn't just happy to see me -- which means that is, in fact, a banana in her pocket. Which means -- wait a what the!?!

1, 3, 4, and 5: Yes, it's true, we tried to tell you, etc.

2: Wow. Now that's acting.

1: She is very good.

2: Though now I'm more inclined to go with Reese Witherspoon.

1, 3, 4, and 5: Yes, we see your point, let's put it behind us, etc.

2: Oh, Felicity! I wish I knew how to quit you!

1: All right. So let's give it to Reese. At least she had the good sense to wear a dress in her film. And not, you know -- with a wang underneath.

4: That's what Felicity Huffman will wear to the Oscars -- a Vera Wang!

1, 2, 3, and 5: Ah, yes, we see what you've done there, a designer named "Wang," well-played, etc.

1: Admittedly, not a fine year for actresses, especially ones who wear dresses and don't mind a pat on the behind. Brett, remind me to draft a letter to Jack Valenti about that. Why don't they make good old-fashioned movies with leggy ladies showing their choo-choos? You know, like Basic Instinct?

2: Actually, they're coming out with Basic Instinct 2.

1: Sweet! Thanks, Valenti! You see, men -- that's the power we wield. Okay -- Best Actor.

3: We should dismiss Edward R. Murrow right away because you can't win for playing yourself.

1: Agreed. Plus, he hounded Joe McCarthy, and McCarthy was a good man. I remember how he cleaned up Hollywood way back when, making it safe again for good old-fashioned movies in which leggy ladies show their choo-choos. The blacklists were the best thing to hit Hollywood -- I know, because I helped prepare them.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Really? Hmmm, surprising, did not know that, we doubt the veracity of your claim, etc.

1: What? I did! I had a scuba suit.

3: How about Terrence Howard? He was good in Hustle & Flow.

1: Did you see that?

3: Hustle and no.

5: How about Joaquin Phoenix?

2: How about Joaquin out of here? We're not giving it to the guy whose name sounds like a pharmaceutical company.

5: Although Rocking Phoenix is an excellent drug. For, you know, those problems. It's entirely herbal. I buy it at the counter at the convenience store.

3: Sure. Sounds great.

5: Seriously. Just ask Joan. The last time I used it with her, I totally detected tiny tremors of pleasure around her eyelids. Talk about rocking!

1: Let's face it. We need to send a positive message of diversity to this country. We should give it to the gay dude.

3: Which one?

1: Lord Almighty! There's two gay dudes nominated? WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!! Joe McCarthy, where have you gone?

5: Let's give it to Hoffman for Capote.

3: Did you even see that film?

5: Do I lactate?

3: Occasionally.

5: It's true. It's a side effect of the Rocking Phoenix. But that doesn't change the fact that Hoffman has been doing superior work for years, and has gone totally unrecognized by the Academy. And this, his role as Truman Capote, is his best work yet. He disappears into the role in a way few actors today are skilled enough -- or brave enough -- to do.

1, 2, 3, and 4: Hmmm, yes, true, good point, etc.

1: I like your reasoning. Anyone want to add some gratuitous sexual innuendo?

4: I like to bang Joan Rivers.

1: Not an innuendo, per se.

4: I like to show her I'm a "true man." You know, with a -- with my -- I'm sorry, I can't work "Capote" in there.

3: Funny -- that's what she told me about you!

1: Noted. Well, gentlemen, that brings us to the last category: Best Picture. I know these films are fresh in your mind. We have a varied and interesting field here -- no blockbusters, just small films with important messages.

3: How about Munich?

1: Look, if we're giving out Oscars just for scouring Europe undercover while systematically wiping out terrorists in an ongoing black-ops mission, then I should be getting an Oscar!

2, 3, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

1: Because that's what I do.

2, 3, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

1: Because I have a scuba suit.

4: We can't vote for Munich. I hated the message of that film. We can't reward its vile point of view.

3: What's that?

4: That picking up hot 'n' horny chicks in a hotel bar means you're going to get whacked? As if! Whacked off, maybe.

3: Um, Number 4, remember that chick you picked up after last year's Oscars?

4: Of course. Case in point. We ended the evening with a little beef jerky, if you know what I mean.

3: Um, that woman wasn't just happy to see you. If you know what I mean.

4: You mean she -- wait a what the!?!

1, 2, 3, and 5: Yes, it's true, we tried to tell you, you didn't see the goatee? etc.

4: Wow. Now that's acting.

3: Sorry to be the one to break it to you.

4: Oh, chick I picked up after last year's Oscars! I wish I knew how to quit you!

5: How about Good Night, and Good Luck.?

1: That's exactly what I say about that film's chances. Directed by: Giuseppe Toobey. Starring: Giuseppe Toobey. Key grip: Giuseppe Toobey.

2: My vote goes for Crash. What a brave, insightful film. It's about time someone said what we've all been thinking about Mexican locksmiths.

1, 3, 4, and 5: Seriously, it's true, I concur, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.

1: That film was raw. Maybe a little too raw.

5: Also it sucked.

1, 2, 3, and 4: Yes, of course, too true, that must be considered as well, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.

1: Well, where does that leave us? It's Capote or Brokeback Mountain.

5: I'd like to say a word here for Brokeback Mountain. That's the kind of film I like to see. Two strapping young lads, out under the elements, enjoying clean living and good, honest hard work. It's a great message.

2: You fell asleep, didn't you?

5: About ten minutes in.

2: So you didn't see the part where the one guy rides the other guy like a bucking bronco?

5: Wait -- that was actually in the movie? I thought I dreamed that.

2: Nope. That's in the movie.

5: So, did Jake Gyllenhaal also give me a reach-around while Joan Rivers watched, playing the tambourine, and Melissa Rivers was there except she had a horse's head instead of her real head?

2: No.

5: Okay, so that part was a dream. Gotcha.

3: I can't endorse this film. They say it's a universal love story, to which I say, "Sure, if you live in a universe of butt pirates."

2: Yeah! If I want to spend two hours watching men dressed as cowboys chase sheep and then tumble around half-naked under the moonlight, I'll hang out on Saturday night at Malden #5's house!

1, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

3: Yeah! Brokeback Mountain? This movie should have been called Bareback Mount Him!

2: That title's already taken.

1, 3, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

2: What?

1, 3, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

2: Number 1 has a scuba suit.

1: For black ops! Black ops!

4: Stop it! Stop it! All of you! I can't believe what I'm hearing! This is a tender, thoughtful movie about love and what can happen when we stifle our true natures! Full of powerful acting, deft directing, and beautiful panoramic scenery! There's a message in here for everyone -- even us, five clones of Karl Malden!

2: Did you even see this movie?

4: Do I lactate?

2: I'm starting to wonder.

4: No! I don't! The only thing I was leaking during this film were tears. Tears of compassion. And they weren't coming from my teats, but from my eyes! My eyes!

1: Number 4 has made an important point. Sure, this movie means something -- but it's also a great movie. It stands on its own merits. I agree that we should really get behind it.

2: I'm sure you'd like to get behind it.

1: Enough! The decisions have been made. You know, I came into this meeting fresh off a secret black-ops mission and dreading having to sit through these five small, indie-flavored films. And yet my eyes have been opened. I've learned that, on some level, we're all the same, no matter who we hate or how we love. I've learned that sometimes Mexicans can be good, honest locksmiths, though how we're supposed to know which is which is still a mystery to me. I've learned that Haggis, the filmmaker, is just about as good as haggis, the food. And I've learned that there really aren't enough opportunities for great actresses to look hot and show off their choo-choos. More than that, I hope we've all learned something here today, five clones of Karl Malden.

2, 3, 4, and 5: I know I have, yes, it's true, great year, my eyes have been opened, good to see you all, do they sell Rocking Phoenix in gelcaps?, etc.

1: Oh, other four clones of Karl Malden! I wish I knew how to quit you!

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Oh, wait! I do! We're adjourned! Brett: bang that gong!

[GONG!]