Ah, summer -- when the birds sing, the sun shines and the movies suck wind. Wait, please -- don't get us wrong. Not all of the movies suck. Last year, we had Pirates of the Caribbean, which had every right to suck, yet managed to be quite fun. Then again, we had The Matrix Reloaded, which we hoped would be fun, but which sucked with force enough for ten films. So let's call it a wash.

Last summer, though, seemed to have more than its share of inessential movies, including Marci X, 2 Fast 2 Furious, When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb and Dumberer, that Justin and Kelly debacle, that Ben and Jennifer double-debacle...ah, the list could go on and on. The list, in fact, did go on and on. So too, could this year's list.

But somehow we've managed to whittle it down to ten. So sit back, relax, and cancel your plans to cancel your plans, as we present Fametracker's guide to the ten absolute must-miss movies of summer 2004:

10. Shrek 2

Release Date: May 21
The Plot: Oh, you crazy ogre with the Scottish accent for no reason! What are you up to now!?
The Pitch: Remember when you loved Shrek? He's back! So's that donkey! Who doesn't love a donkey? Donkey!
Why It's Inessential: Okay, we know everyone loved Shrek. Everyone looooved Shrek. Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek. But here's a little secret. We did not love Shrek. We thought Shrek, with its broguing hero and its braying ass and its too-clever-by-half insider references was, on the whole, pretty damn grating. We understand that if you have kids, you've got to take them to something, and we're betting this is way less boring for you than Jimmy Neutron. But as for us, we can already hear your kids shrieking in the row behind us, which, when combined with the brogue and the ass, is already giving us a headache, and this movie doesn't even open for another three weeks. Harrumph.

9. Before Sunset

Release Date: July 2
The Plot: The backpacking boy (Ethan Hawke) and hot French girl (Juie Delpy) who met on a train in 1995's Before Sunrise...er, meet up again in Paris nine years later.
The Pitch: Watch the sparks fly as older versions of those two people who met once meet each other again! Re-meetings! Is there anything more romantic?
Why It's Inessential: Because Ethan Hawke's character is now a novelist. Because Ethan Hawke's character is still played by Ethan Hawke. Because we can't wait for the next installment, entitled Exactly At The Moment of Sunrise.

8. Van Helsing

Release Date: May 5
The Plot: Famed monster-hunter Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) battles Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein's Monster.
The Pitch: If you liked The Mummy, then you'll love DraculaFrankensteinTheWolfman!
Why It's Inessential: Um, we'd like Hugh Jackman to be a big action star as much as anyone, but isn't it a bad idea to make a serious version of a movie that sounds like an Abbott & Costello comedy? Also, the CG effects in this commercials look dreadful, which isn't surprising, since the CG effects in The Mummy looked dreadful. Last but not least, wasn't Frankenstein's Monster simply lonely and misunderstood? Why pick on him? Okay, one more thing -- wouldn't this movie have been awesome if it starred David Lee Roth and was titled Van Halen?

7. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Release Date: June 4
The Plot: Apparently, there's a young boy attending sorcery school whose exploits are quite popular with the kids.
The Pitch: Come, my ten-year-old zombies! Come! And bring your mothersıs purses!
Why It's Inessential: As long as we're on the subject of alternate titles, how's this: Harry Potter and the Curse of Puberty. (Note: This film's obvious inessentiality is counterbalanced somewhat by its standing as the most lucrative make-work project for aging British thespians since Masterpiece Theatre.)

6. The Village

Release Date: July 30
The Plot: A bunch of pioneers live in a village in a spooky wood and...paint some posts.
The Pitch: From M. Night Shyamalan, the maestro of master suspense, as well as the director of Signs.
Why It's Inessential: Since Shyamalan once boasted of having discovered the secret formula for blockbuster hits, let's take a stab at charting it out: (Pioneers + post-painting + Joaquin Phoenix in a hooded cape looking like Little Gold Riding Hood - Mel Gibson + "What was that noise?" / chair-scraping + door barred with planks against unseen intruder) x secrecy / inevitable, cheaply contrived twist ending = box office jackpot! This formula ensures that Mr. Shyamalan's movies keep getting made but, dude, each one's been worse than the last. And it's not like you started with Citizen Kane, neither.

5. Raising Helen

Release Date: May 28
The Plot: A flighty, career-obsessed fashionista from New York (Kate Hudson) inherits somebody's dead kids. Whoops -- a dead somebody's kids.
The Pitch: You know what would really teach those selfish, careerist, flighty, myopic, superficial Manhattanites what's really important in life? Some dead person's kids!
Why It's Inessential: Wait, didn't the success of Sex and the City prove that America now loves selfish, careerist, flighty, myopic, superficial Manhattanites? We're so confused. But this kind of quit-your-career- and-raise-these-kids movies (see also 13 Going On Pregnant) could fuel a semester's worth of Women's Studies seminars.

4. Catwoman

Release Date: July 23
The Plot: Halle Berry wearing next to nothing.
The Pitch: Halle Berry wearing next to nothing.
Why It's Inessential: "Dear Halle: It was great to see you and Lou Gossett Jr., at that meeting of the Black Oscar Winners Alumni Association. Too bad Denzel bailed, but then, he never shows up to those things. Anyway, I've been meaning to ask you: How come everyone dumps on me for ruining my post-Oscar career with Boat Trip and Snow Dogs, yet your post-Oscar career includes Gothika and a Bond movie, and no one says boo to you? I mean, I know Gothika was no Radio. But I can't help wondering if people would be easier on me if I bared my midriff more. Note to self: Bare midriff more. Also, kiss Fred Durst. Much love, Cuba Gooding Jr."

3. Exorcist: The Beginning

Release Date: August 20
The Plot: A haunting look at the backstory that preceded the horror classic.
The Pitch: To whose hands should we entrust this hallowed horror franchise? What director's work evinces the broad range of skills required to tackle this intimidating task? And if we can't get that guy, why shouldn't we hire Renny Harlin?
Why It's Inessential: Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin. (Renny Harlin.)

2. The Stepford Wives

Release Date: June 11
The Plot: Nicole Kidman stars as a smart and sharp career woman who subjugates her own free will for the sake of her husband's (Tom Cruise) white-hot career, forcing herself to wear flats in public and...oh, wait, that's real life. Uh, what's this movie about? Nicole Kidman stars as a smart and sharp career woman who moves with her husband (Matthew Broderick) to an idyllic small town -- maybe too idyllic!
The Pitch: A scathing satire of such long-neglected targets as the suburbs and dumb blondes. Still, this should prove a cogent and literate tour de force in the battle against -- oh, who are we kidding? Smart and sharp career woman, just shut up and raise some dead person's kids! That'll learn you!
Why It's Inessential: Every time we see a photo of Matthew Broderick standing next to Nicole Kidman, we feel like this movie should be called The Stepford Beards. Which, come to think of it, means Nicole Kidman is perfectly cast.

1. Troy

Release Date: May 14
The Plot: The greatest battles of ancient Greece brought to thrilling life!
The Pitch: If you like Brad Pitt, you'll love Brad Pitt in a skirt, with a side order of Bloom! Troyalicious!
Why It's Inessential: What's not to like? You've got a star riding a hot streak of hits, such as Ocean's 11 and...um, Spy Game, and, er, The Mexican. Well, at least you've got a great director, who's adept at searing emotional epics such as...eh, The Perfect Storm and, ahem, Air Force One and, you know, Outbreak. Well, at least you've got absolute historical fidelity...except that Brad Pitt's, you know, wearing boots because he doesn't like how his feet look. Well, at least you've got Legolas! And a great trailer! With that great line from Brad, in which he says, "Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" as though he learned English entirely through phonetics. This just might be the worst-delivered trailer catchphrase since Travolta's "Am I scratching your surface?" in the trailer for Basic. But hey, in what promises to be a very long, entirely underwhelming summer, why not salute what promises to be a very long, entirely underwhelming movie?