Recently, scriptwriter Michael Lerner filed an $8 million suit against actor Vin Diesel, alleging that he was attacked by Roman, one of Diesel's guard dogs. But this is Hollywood, where everyone has a story and everyone else wants to do the rewrites. There's one voice, however, that hasn't been heard in this din of publicity -- until now. We present: Roman -- The Fametracker Interview.

Fametracker: Thanks for sitting down with us.

Roman: Pleasure.

FT: We'll start by saying welcome to the spotlight -- though we imagine this isn't the way you were hoping to earn the public's attention.

Roman: Yes, the whole thing is very unfortunate. And when I say "unfortunate," that in no way implies an admission of culpability on my part in regard to the case in question. In fact, I really shouldn't even be talking about it. My lawyers have advised me against it. But I wanted to get the real story out there.

FT: Here's what we know: Michael Lerner, a scriptwriter, was approaching Vin's house to discuss a future project, when you attacked his crotch. Now he's suing Vin Diesel for $8 million.

Roman: Okay. First off, that's not what you know. That's what you think you know. I'll tell you, half the time I read the papers and just laugh. Like, I wonder where they get this stuff. It's like they just make it up. I read it to my friends for kicks and we all just howl. Then we piss on it.

FT: So which part of the story are you disputing?

Roman: Well, he's certainly suing Mr. Diesel, that's for sure. And, yes, there was contact between my mouth and Mr. Lerner's crotch. And, no, it was not of a sexual nature, thank you very much. But ask yourself this: what is this guy doing at Vin Diesel's house? And remember: I'm a mastiff. A guard dog. I guard. That's what I do.

FT: He says he was coming to discuss a project --

Roman: Discuss a project? With Vin Diesel? That's your first clue right there. Look, I love Vin. He's been good to me, God knows. Put a roof over my head and so forth. But he's discussing a project with Vin Diesel? That's his stated business? Did you see A Man Apart? How many projects do you think Vin's discussing right now? Maybe if was The Rock's house, Lerner would have a plausible case.

FT: Well, lots of people in Hollywood are constantly discussing projects, even if their careers aren't considered "hot."

Roman: Sure. Okay. Maybe so. Benefit of the doubt. But remember: as I said, I'm a guard dog. I'm a goddamn mastiff. Vin doesn't keep me around to enter me in dog shows, you know what I mean? I'm not a slipper-fetcher.

FT: Are you saying you were ordered to attack?

Roman: Not ordered, exactly. Not ordered, per se. But you let loose Michael Douglas in a harem, don't be surprised if you find some discarded panties floating in the pool come morning. You get what I'm saying? You put a mastiff on your lawn, he's not there to fetch your car keys, okay? He's not the valet. He's not wearing a little white suit jacket and a little black bow tie and sitting there expecting a tip. He can't even see over the dashboard, let alone park cars. Understand? All I'm saying is, crotches are going to get bitten. That's all.

FT: So you did bite his crotch?

Roman: I applied a standard mastiff technique for intruder dissuasion. You talk to any mastiff and he'll tell you the same thing. Was his crotch in my mouth? Maybe so. Are there teeth in my mouth? Yes. Yes there are.

FT: He claims to have required three stitches in his penis and two in his scrotum as a result of the attack.

Roman: Number one, let's not say "attack." We're not talking about an attack, we're talking about an incident. Number two, three stitches plus two stitches? By my count, that's five stitches. You slip slicing cucumber, you get five stitches. Boo hoo. How many teeth do you think I have? Take a look at these sizzlers.

[At this point, Roman curls back his lips to reveal an impressive array of jaggedly sharp teeth.]

Roman: Five stitches? I'd say, all things considered, that's a model of restraint. I'd say, that speaks to an admirable level of professional self-control.

FT: Mr. Lerner also contends that the attack --

[Roman snarls.]

FT: -- the incident was unprovoked. That you, and I'm quoting him here, that you "lunged" at him "for no reason and clamped down on his crotch."

Roman: Okay. Let me tell you something. I didn't want to get into this, but I don't see anyway around it. I mean, I'm not the one filing suit and what have you. Michael Lerner and I have had business together before.

FT: You've had altercations?

Roman: We've had business. A few years ago, maybe two, maybe more, he comes around. He's got the rights to a property. It's a cop-and-dog buddy film, standard stuff, maybe Steve Zahn's attached, maybe he isn't. Who knows, right? But that's the buzz. Anyway. So I'm sniffing around for work, something that fits me and my temperament, fits the image I'm trying to groom. Because, well, you know how it works in this town. I love Vin, like I said, God bless him, but if you work as a guard dog for too many years, then suddenly everyone thinks of you as "Vin Diesel's mastiff." And you can't get out from under that. In fact, go back and read the accounts of this incident. You'll see what I'm talking about.

FT: And so your deal with Lerner went sour?

Roman: There was no deal to go sour. But certain assurances were made. And then certain assurances were unmade. That's all I can say. I can't say any more. But for him to say "lunged at him for no reason"? That's a little -- how do they say it? It's not representative of the facts as I understand them.

FT: Are you surprised the incident has gone this far?

Roman: Surprised? No. Sad? Yes. Disappointed. Yes. I'm disappointed that we now live in a country so lawsuit-happy, so lousy with lawyers, that if a 170-pound mastiff bites down on a man's crotch, people don't say, "Hey -- animal nature" or "Hey -- that's what mastiffs are for." No, they say, "Hey, get a lawyer. Hey, sue someone. Vin Diesel, he's got money." Look, you want to show me the toothmarks on your nutsack, fine, sure, I feel for you. Five stitches? I've seen worse, but I understand: people get sensitive about the old ball-bearings. Don't mess with the wind-chimes. I get it. But what's all this about "nerve damage, loss of physical sensation, psychological harm and mental distress"? I mean, I know that people in Hollywood like to talk about their balls, but seriously. It's a bit much.

FT: Do you think this will harm your own acting career?

Roman: I hope not. Frankly, I'm getting much more press now than I've ever gotten before. Maybe it's not the best kind of press, but then again, ball-biting is not the worst accusation you can level against a mastiff.

FT: Do you think the publicity will help Vin Diesel's career?

Roman: No, Vin's toast. Bless him, but even I can see that. And I'm colourblind. But then, you know what they say: flops have no colour.

FT: Are you looking forward to your day in court? Or do you wish this would all go away?

Roman: Look, I don't back down. It's not in my constitution. Again, without reference to this specific case, if you step on my lawn, your man-sack is fair game for my mouth. Law of the jungle, and so on. And let me tell you this, and this applies to anyone: if a few teeth marks on the old hairy piñata are enough to send you home bawling, then frankly speaking, you, my friend, have no business working in Hollywood. And I can't say it any more clearly than that.

FT: Thanks for your time, Roman.

Roman: Thank you.