[joined in progress]

1: Yes, I also find his blue eyes rather spooky. But Neal McDonough it is. All right, let's move on. Folks, we need to find ourselves a lead.

2: Well, Walking Tall is a remake of a classic film. The studio is expecting big things. With the right actor, this picture could open huge.

1: Yes.

2: That's why I've got just two words for you: Tom. Cruise.

3: Great idea! You can't go wrong with the Cruise. Put it on Cruise control!

1: Um, yes. That's an idea. Definitely worth considering. But I think you're missing one obvious problem.

2: What?

3: What?

2: This is Tom Cruise we're talking about!

3: If we can get him, we've got to get him.

1: People, this film is titled Walking Tall.

2: Yes!

3: It's going to be huge!

1: No, no. Listen. Walking Tall. You see?

2: Okay.

1: And Cruise is?

3: Not tall.

2: Not tall.

1: Not at all.

3: Yes, that's a good point. We don't want to just throw that punchline out there.

1: We'd be doing the joke writers' work for them.

2: But come on -- it's Tom Cruise! This guy is gold! What if we make him look tall in the movie? We can film him the same way they filmed the hobbits in Lord of the Rings. You know, using false perspectives and stuff.

1: But they were trying to make the hobbits look smaller.

3: Yeah.

2: Okay. Granted. So how about this? We film everyone else in false perspective. So, you know, Tom's up here, and they're all back there.

3: Or in ditches.

2: Ditches!

3: We put the other actors in ditches.

2: And lifts.

3: Lifts!

2: We put Tom in lifts!

2 & 3: Ditches and lifts!

1: That's not going to do it. Nicole spent half her marriage knee-deep in a drainage ditch and she still looked like she was walking her son to kindergarten.

2: Okay, so how about we get the director to build a huge, scale-model replica of the set for Tom to act on. So the normal actors will be acting on one set, standing next to, like, a normal dinner table, and then boom -- cut to Tom on the other set, standing next to his smaller, three-quarter-size dinner table. You know, like they did with Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine.

1: Again, they were trying to make Carrey look smaller.

2: Okay, so we do the same thing, but the opposite.

1: Forget it! Don't you think that's all been tried before? Do you know how much trouble they had when they cast Cruise to star opposite Billy Crystal in My Giant? He wound up walking off the picture!

2: Okay. So we need a work-around.

3: What if we get the other actors to kneel down? And then we'll put little shoes in front of their knees, so that they look like feet. You know, like Dorf.

2: Dorf!

3: And we can still use ditches. And lifts

2: Ditches and lifts and Dorf!

3: Oh my!

1: No, no, no! Look, The Last Samurai is one thing. Sure, it was a bit weird that America sent the tiniest Confederate hero over to Japan, where everyone there towered over him like they were Mount Fuji and he was a bonsai tree. But he spent half the picture on a horse or on his knees anyway, so you hardly noticed. We simply can't cast Cruise in a film with the word "Tall" in the title.

2: Good point.

3: You're right.

1: Let's just move on. We need to find the right lead for this picture.

2: I've got it!

1: Who?

2: Colin Farrell!

1: No! What do you think we're casting here? This is Walking Tall, not a Lucky Charms commercial.

3: Bingo!

1: Who?

3: Al Pacino.

1: No!

2: Dustin Hoffman!

1: No!

3: Danny DeVito!

1: No!

2: Dudley Moore!

1: Come on! He's not even alive!

3: Mickey Rooney!

1: He's not alive either!

2: No, he is.

1: Oh. Well, I still don't think he's quite right for the part.

3: I've got it. Peter Dinklage.

1: No, no, no! Come on! Work with me, not against me. Think macho. Think action star. Think burly bruiser.

2: Russell Crowe.

1: I said "burly bruiser," not "surly boozer."

3: Screech from Saved by the Bell.

1: I said "burly bruiser," not "curly loser."

2: What about -- what's his face? The guy who charged Don Knotts with assault?

1: I said "burly bruiser," not "Furley accuser."

3: I've got it. Why didn't we think of this before? Vin Diesel!

1: I said "burly bruiser," not "box-office poison." Boy, your hearing is bad.

2: But what about a Vin Diesel type? Someone who's big and muscular and popular with the kids.

1: Now you're talking...

2: You know, someone who can kick ass and take names.

1: I like it...

3: A guy with a solid track record onscreen and a fan following from his years as a big star in another popular arena of entertainment.

1: Like, say...professional wrestling!

2: Yes! That's it! It's right on the tip of my tongue. Dammit...dammit...what's his name? [tapping pencil on desk] ...Come on...I've got it! Rowdy Roddy Piper!

3: Bingo!

1: I love it!

3: He's tough, he's mean, and he walks tall!

2: And he's got that whole ambiguous-ethnicity thing going, which is very hot right now.

3: He's Scottish...or is he?

1: Well done, folks. I think when we propose this cast to the studio, we'll all be "walking tall" Ha ha!

2: Unlike Dustin Hoffman!

1: Ha! Or Elijah Wood!

3: Or Dudley Moore!

1: Shut up. He's dead.