The Production

Release Date: April 8, 2005
Synopsis: Matthew McConaughey plays the unfortunately named Dirk Pitt, a swashbuckling surfer dude type/Civil War obsessive who runs around the desert, giving false hope to men named "Dirk" everywhere that suddenly they'll be looked on with wonder, rather than pity.
Star: McConaughey
Supporting Cast: Penélope Cruz (the Love Interest); Steve Zahn (the Homoerotically Loyal Best Bud); William H. Macy (The Well-Established Character Actor Paying For Home Renovations or Dental Work for His Kids).

The Value

Matthew McConaughey

Theoretical Value: The entire cast of Sahara, right down to the original property written by Clive Cussler, reads like a "Who You Wanted, Who You Got" Celebrity Discount All-Star Team, with Matthew McConaughey batting lead-off and playing center field.

Though you've got to admire McConaughey: for someone who, thanks to some premature cover exposure on Vanity Fair, came perilously close to being known as the male Gretchen Mol, he's actually carved out a pretty nice niche for himself as (a) the bohunk in high-concept, low-impact romantic comedies (The Wedding Planner, How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days) and (b) the "name" in low-expectation, high-return, middling-budget action films (U-571, Reign of Fire).

Sahara, a slightly more-than-middling-budget action film ($130 million), is obviously positioned to establish Double M as an actual, carry-a-movie, pack-the-houses star. The best case scenario here would seem to be Brendan Fraser in The Mummy: a silly, sandy movie released early enough in the spring to avoid the real summer competition, and the opening-weekend success of which will allow the star's agents to bump up his price point, without any actual proof that the nation is clamoring to see said star in action.

Actual Value: Again, we look to The Mummy: it was a surprise hit, but there was no subsequent evidence that America was swept up in Brendan Fraser-mania. (Sadly, our Bedazzled action-figure prototypes found no takers.) Sure, Sahara opened at #1, but then again, what doesn't open at #1 these days? $18 million might beat all comers in April, but in July, it would put you around 8th.

But McConaughey has always seemed to us like the anti-Tom Cruise: rather than a droid-like fixation on maximum fame, Matthew seems happy to take whatever parts will continue to subsidize his offscreen lifestyle choices, which seem to include various combinations of herbal stimulants and clothing-optional percussion. So if Sahara only serves to cement his status as the downmarket Kurt Russell, who is himself the downmarket Kevin Costner, who is himself the downmarket Harrison Ford, well, it's no skin off Matthew's bongo.

Net Result: Steady as she goes, and pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.

Penélope Cruz

Theoretical Value: To kick-start the post-Tom Cruise phase of the faltering campaign to endear the undeniably beautiful Ms. Cruz to the American people.

Actual Value: A few years ago, she was working with Pedro Almodovar. Now she's in Sahara. Perhaps she and Antonio Banderas can discuss it over a few rounds of tequila.

Net Result: Positive, in so far as she's established herself as a viable romantic lead for movies in which the romantic lead (a) works for an international aid organization and (b) doesn't necessarily need to be understood. Negative, in so far as a few years ago, she was working with Pedro Almodovar, and now she's in Sahara. Let's call it a wash.

Steve Zahn

Theoretical Value: While Zahn long ago established himself as the go-to buddy for just this kind of movie, his string of excellent supporting turns (The Object of My Affection, Forces of Nature) are now seven years past, and his more recent buddy comedies (Saving Silverman, National Security) have been less than successful.

Still -- the Zahnster! The Zahn Man! The Zahniac! How can you not love him? He's Zahntastic!

Actual Value: Zahn can do this lovable buddy schtick in his sleep, and here, he does.

Net Result: He successfully beats off the challenge from Sean William Scott for Spaced-Out Buddy supremacy.

William H. Macy

Theoretical Value: Cha-ching!

Actual Value: Cha-ching!

Net Result: If you were Bill Macy, and you had a chance to cash a cheque for spending a few days in the sun, plus you get to wear a beard, plus you get to smoke cigars, wouldn't you do it? Hell, yes, you would. Besides, we suspect he and Felicity Huffman are building up a nest egg to prepare for the inevitable Desperate Housewives diva-meltdown/annihilating Twin Peaks-esque backlash.

Did we mention he gets to wear a beard? Looks mighty dashing, too.

- MFF