The Sixth Sense as Best Picture?

DM: So we've got The Sixth Sense....

WC: Did you see that?

DM: I saw that. That was the worst piece of shit I ever saw in my entire life. It didn't make a lick of sense, the acting was so bad, the premise was so bad --

MFF: But he sees dead people.

DM: I don't know how he didn't know he was dead, and yet he shows up at work every day. I don't know who gave him the case, exactly. It was ridiculous.

MFF: This is a spoiler! Stop reading!

DM: So he's supposed to be dead, but he's imagining that he's still alive, and yet he can't imagine that his wife talks to him. He's hallucinating the whole thing. It's just ridiculous.

Glark: It assumes that his whole life is just what you see on the screen. That's why they can't show him, for example, going to bed and not having the sheets move.

MFF: I know Bruce Willis turns out to be dead, but does he not know he's dead?

DM: No. Even though the kid says, "I see dead people all the time."

WC: "Sometimes they don't know they're dead. (YOU)."

Glark: "Sometimes they DIE HARD."

American Boobies

MFF: Did you see The Insider?

DM: No. I'm a Reasonable Person! What else is there?

MFF: American Booty.

WC: tee hee!

DM: I hated that. It was dreadful. I thought it was easy and obvious and badly-written....

Glark: It was The Ice Storm II: Electric Boogaloo.

WC: Exactly.

DM: I thought the acting was terrible. I thought that Kevin Spacey completed his transformation in about half an hour and spent the rest of the movie sitting in a chair and being annoying. And the ending sucked out; he should have screwed her.

MFF: Yeah, there was a weird message there, like, "Oh, she's a virgin, so I can't have sex with her. But if she was just a skanky teenager like I thought she was before, it would have been fine."

DM: It got him into heaven, not screwing her. I found all the things wrong with American Beauty that any thinking person would -- like why does she [Thora Birch] want a tit job? She has enormous breasts, but she's saving up for a tit job. Or Wes Bentley's mom sitting at home, not saying anything? And the terrible clichéd husband....

MFF: I wanted to ask you about that.

DM: It was preposterous!

MFF: "I hate you. I love you. I must kill you. I'm really repressed. I watch Ronald Reagan movies."

DM: I don't know what that was. I loved Wes Bentley, though. I thought he was a total fox, and you saw his ass.

My name is Derek and I have a Schwimmer fixation

WC: I heard you have a Schwimmer fixation.

DM: I love Ross above all men.

MFF: This is recent, isn't it?

WC: Have you always loved Ross, or have you recently discovered him?

DM: No, I've been watching him for years. He was just a Friend. And then one day I woke up and he was much, much more than that. And now his hair's really nice and he's all goofy on the show, and he's looking a little older, a little gaunter, and I want him so bad. He is such a fox.

MFF: Do you think he'll ever segue into movies?

DM: No.

WC: I watched him the other night on TMN in Six Days, Seven Nights.

DM: Any skin?

WC: No, he didn't even take his shirt off. And he looked really big. He looked kind of...fat.

DM: Oh, I like that.

WC: Okay. Well, there you go.

DM: He looks sort of tallish, and sort of big, like he could overpower me.

WC: The other thing is that any man would look tall and big next to Anne Heche, who is short and tiny.

DM: Also, anyone could overpower me. Linda Hunt could overpower me.

MFF: And has, on several occasions.

DM: So I'd like to send a message to David Schwimmer, that I love him.

WC: Do you have an email address you'd like to include, so he can contact you?

DM: No, have him contact you.

Tom Hanks' and Tom Green's Special Packages

WC: Anyway, the last nominated movie is The Green Mile.

DM: [shrugs] Uh.

MFF: It's good that you didn't see it. Did you see The Shawshank Redemption?

DM: Yes.

WC: It's The Tom Hanks Redemption.

MFF: The Shawshank Redemption with Ving Rhames in it, plus Stuart Little equals The Green Mile.

Glark: Plus a little John Kruk.

WC: A urinary tract infection is not the same as testicular cancer.

Glark: I thought that's what Tom Hanks had, in the movie.

WC: No, that's what Tom Green has.

DM: Tom Green has testicular cancer?

MFF: I was in complete shock reading that article.

WC: It's got to be a prank.

MFF: That's what I was thinking too, but he's doing a one-hour special on it.

DM: What is this?

WC: Tom Green announced yesterday [the interview having been conducted on Tuesday, March 21] that he has some kind of cancer, but he didn't say which kind it was. He said it was curable, and then he said he was going to announce exactly what it was on Entertainment Tonight which, to me, says, "Prank."

MFF: But even more strange is that he's dating Drew Barrymore -- little Tom Green from Ottawa!

WC: Anyway, then it came out today that it's testicular cancer, and that he's soliciting donations to the Tom Green's Nuts Fund.

MFF: I could see if he actually has it that he'd joke about it, but apparently he's doing this one-hour special to raise awareness about testicular cancer.

WC: I really doubt that. I think he's doing a special involving having a camera trained on his testicles for an hour.

MFF: Now, that I'd watch! [Wing Chun has turned out to be completely wrong on this issue.]

DM: Do you guys do your self-examination?

MFF: No. I thought you don't have to do it until you're, like, thirty.

DM: No, you have to start doing it after you're eighteen.

MFF: Well, it depends how you define "self-examination."

DM: You squeeze it, and if it feels woody, you're in trouble.

Glark: "Woody"?

MFF: You can't tell a hypochondriac that. Just tell me how it's supposed to feel, and that's how it'll feel to me. So back to the Oscars™....

DM: And Montel Williams has had both nipples removed, due to breast cancer.

WC: Yes. And now he has multiple sclerosis.

MFF: Aw. Now he can't breast-feed.

DM: Or tit-fuck.

WC: Oh my God, it's the filthiest Reasonable Person ever!

Glark: What would he put there instead? I think gumballs.

WC: Poker chips.

DM: That's terrible! I like Montel. I'm so sorry, Montel. When he films over at Central Tech again, I'm going to go over and apologize.

Oscar Snubs

MFF: How do you feel about the Three Kings snub?

DM: Well, it's outrageous!

MFF: Were you outraged?

DM: I thought it was a fucking great movie.

MFF: It was pretty great.

DM: For George Clooney, that's Snub Number Two, because he should have got something for Out of Sight, which was a great movie.

MFF: But was that eligible for this year's Oscars™?

WC and DM: No, it's from last year.

DM: It's still a snub.

MFF: Do you think he gets snubbed because he's a pretty boy? Because I kind of like George Clooney.

WC: Oh, he's adorable.

DM: He's a total stud.

MFF: But is he not getting his proper respect, as Aretha Franklin would say, because he's too pretty?

DM: I guess it's hard for people to forget Batman & Robin.

MFF: That's true. Did you enjoy Batman & Robin?

DM: [laughing] No, it was terrible! Even in that scene at the beginning, with the crotches, I had to avert my gaze, I was so humiliated for them. And it was so frustrating for a young, gay man like myself because so clearly they were in love.

MFF and WC: Yeah.

MFF: But don't you feel like they were throwing you a bone, so to speak?

DM: They weren't throwing me enough of a bone!

WC: Do you feel there was more bone thrown to your community in Three Kings?

MFF: More thrown bone?

DM: No.

MFF: But there was Mark Wahlberg running around with no shirt on.

DM: He doesn't mean anything to me.

WC: Really?

MFF: But no shirt! He's still cut.

DM: He's got nothing for me.

WC: [to MFF] It sounds more like you have a crush on Mark Wahlberg.

Glark: Mark Wahlberg's going to be a very, very ugly man when he gets older.

DM: He's already halfway there. It's like The Hunger with Mark Wahlberg. He's the opposite of George Clooney. George Clooney gets better-looking as his hair gets more grey.

Glark: They're doing the Paul Newman/Robert Redford thing where they're appearing in the same movies all the time.

DM: That's true. I don't know what their attachment is, exactly.

WC: Would you care to speculate?

DM: How much speculation am I allowed to do?

WC: Plenty!

DM: Anyway, of course leaving out Three Kings is a huge snub. And it's showing up whenever people write about the Oscars™, now, as the big snub.

MFF: I was disappointed about Being John Malkovich, but in a way I was more disappointed about Three Kings not getting nominated. I thought it was just a really spirited, entertaining, smart movie.

DM: I thought it was smarter than Being John Malkovich, myself.

WC: Eh.

Glark: I thought it was a little schizophrenic.

MFF: It had its problems, but it was just enjoyable.

Glark: Well, it was better than The Cider House Rules.

DM: And I'd say The Straight Story was snubbed.

Glark: Which one is that?

WC: It's the one with Richard Farnsworth.

MFF: I didn't see that one. But I remember reading that if you see one based-on-a true-story, man-crosses-country-on-tractor movie, see The Straight Story.

DM: I thought it was fantastic. That was my movie of the year.

MFF: I really wish I'd seen that.

WC: It's still playing, I believe.

MFF: Don't complicate things.

DM: I haven't seen most of the performances, but I think Richard Farnsworth deserves it.

MFF: You do realize he won't win, though.

DM: Oh, he doesn't have a hope in hell.

Kevin Spacey vs. Village Voice

WC: Speaking of Best Actor nominees, is Kevin Spacey gay?

DM: Of course he is!

WC: Okay.

DM: He's outed by The Village Voice every week. Michael Musto lists names of friends Kevin Spacey's had sex with in bathhouses.

WC: It's the "Kevin Spacey's Still Gay" column, by Michael Musto.

DM: At the Windsor Arms Hotel he was dancing with boyfriend, and all the press turned the other way. I know a friend who's been out drinking with one of the directors of his big movies, who said he's a boy slut.

WC: [directly into microphone] "Allegedly."

DM: The thing is, I think he's cute. He's sexy.

WC: He was really sexy in L.A. Confidential.

DM: You know what I thought he was sexy in? The Ref. He was tied to that chair....

MFF: He's the bomb.

DM: I have high hopes that he's the last of the great Hollywood monsters. I think after he dies we're going to hear so many horror stories about what he did to people, and what he did to himself.

WC: Like in Swimming With Sharks. He was also tied up in that one, as I recall.

DM: There's nothing wrong with tying him up. You know, I have so many gay rumours of stars that I hear, but I don't think I can put them on the web.

MFF: Does it bother you that stars like Kevin Spacey should feel obligated to reveal their sexual orientation, and not hide it, because, in effect, what they're saying is that they feel that their career will be marginalized if they're out? Because I have to say, I think Kevin Spacey's a good actor, but I have some sympathy for him when he says that no one should care.

WC: But the only people who say that are the people who are clearly in the closet. Like, of course no one should care, but if you weren't making such a career out of hiding your own sexual orientation, then people wouldn't care.

DM: I don't think people ought to be outed, but I can't imagine being a grown person and being a fag and having boyfriends and being in his position, and not being out. It's just a sign of stupidity and cowardice. I mean, I don't want people forced out, but I can't help thinking less of them if they're not. Someone like Kevin Spacey is so wealthy at this point, and he's a good enough actor that he could do excellent and interesting projects the rest of his life and not worry about it, and instead he comes out with this, "Oh, I've lived with this woman Diane for thirteen years." No one's ever seen her. He doesn't even know her last name.

Glark: "She lives in another town."

WC: "You don't know her. She's from Canada."

MFF: "I met her in Niagara Falls."

DM: Yeah. So I find it annoying. It's not something I want to correct -- I don't want to start any kind of movement or write a manifesto about how people should be outed -- but I just think it's loserly. And then we get stuck with Rupert Everett as being the only one out, which just drives me crazy.

WC: Uh, you're obviously forgetting a little someone known as Harvey Fierstein. Who is really, I think, such a positive role model, and such a fine actor....

MFF: Especially in Independence Day, that scene where he was hiding under his desk because he was scared of the loud noises.

WC: And crying for his mother. Aw, that was rich. Who among us hasn't cried for his or her mother? Gay or straight, it unites us all.

DM: I can't tell you my other gossip until the tape recorder's off. I really can't.