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Ted Danson Vs. Dental Tape
The Case For Ted Danson
Let's put Cheers aside for the time being, and consider the other reasons Ted Danson is essential. There's the, uh...that thing...you know, that one movie and...er...
Ha ha! We're just joshing with you, Ted! How could we live without Pontiac Moon?
Danson, of course, starred for forty-six years as the skirt-chasing, slightly dumb, ultimately lovable former-jock bartender Sam Malone on Cheers. That show remains a very watchable sitcom, if not a boundary-breaker. In hindsight, the National Day of Mourning that greeted its demise was probably overstating it a bit. But Danson deserves credit for soldiering through a tough transition from one leading lady to another (Shelley Long to Kirstie Alley), both of which he convincingly played coquettish footsie with while never losing his charm, nor curdling the show into Moonlighting. That's a feat.
Danson wisely never starred in a spinoff, deciding instead to pilot Becker, the sitcom so nice they cancelled it twice. For a while, Becker was the pre-eminent example of the Buzz-Free Show, in that you could reliably bring it up and people would either (a) never have heard of it, or (b) assume that it had long ago been taken off the air. Instead, this fothermucker ran for seven seasons -- seven! -- yet managed to have so little impact that it made Empty Nest seem like All In The Family.
So, you'd think so far that dental tape has the edge. But wait. Hear us out. Remember when Danson had that horribly embarrassing and probably-not-all-his-fault blackface incident when he was dating Whoopi Goldberg? For a while, it looked like that's how Danson would always be remembered: Aas a famous sitcom star/blackface wearer/lifelike toupee aficionado. Yet now, after some fun, self-deprecating cameos on Curb Your Enthusiasm, a switch to a more dignified, all-white toupee system, and a long and apparently healthy relationship with the eminently respectable Mary Steenburgen, Danson's improbably ascended to a kind of elder statesman position. Let's remember, the man's got a shelf full of Emmys and Golden Globes. And you get that feeling that, unlike some actors we could name, Danson actually banked all that syndication green, maybe even invested it wisely, so now he can putter around and play golf all day and resurface only occasionally, in little low-impact hobbyist projects like the upcoming The Amateurs. Plus, he was really awesome in Body Heat. Seriously, go back and check it out. Good flick.
I mean, he's not exactly Paul Newman in the Hollywood firmament, but as far as sitcom survivors go, Danson's in a much better position than, say, Pat Harrington, Jr. Or even Matt Le Blanc.
The Case For Dental Tape
Do you have sensitive gums, tightly bunched teeth or -- horror of horrors -- both? Have you felt the heartbreak that accompanies that infuriating "snap," as you try to saw normal, run-of-the-mill dental floss through the slim, tender crevasses between your chompers? If so, then, friend, it's time you discovered dental tape.
Chances are, you already have. It's not like they invented it yesterday. But I can still remember the sense of wonder I felt when my hygienist first pulled this space-age gossamer thread from its plastic container. "What's this?" I thought, in awe. "You mean, rather than running a harsh piece of guitar wire between my teeth, and baptizing my mouth nightly in rusty blood, I can use this wondrous ribbon, woven together from miracle polymers, possibly harvested from the tiny asses of space spiders, raised on farms in orbit?" It's enough to make you wonder how the floss people stay in business.
The Decision
Well, I know we didn't have much bad to say about dental tape, but consider this: we love it, but do we actually use it? I only really floss regularly during that two-week guilt-a-thon run-up to the dental check-up; other than that, the miracle tape mostly sits, untouched, next to some half-finished canister of hair pomade I soured on. Would I really, truly miss it any more than I would the total disappearance of seven seasons of Becker? And I'm sure there's some other droll pal bumming around that Larry David can tap for his next storyline about who gets a deli sandwich named after him or whatever.
Then again, Cheers was Danson's crowning achievement, and watching Cheers reruns is a lot like flossing my teeth: I think about doing it a lot more than I actually do it.
The Winner
Dental tape
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