Angelina Jolie Vs. Bottled Water

The Case For Angelina Jolie

Okay, the first thing we have to acknowledge is that the existence of Angelina Jolie has saved us all countless hours of our lives, if only because she definitively eliminates the need to debate the question: who is the sexiest woman alive? Or most beautiful, hottest, most alluring, what have you.

Sure, the Maxims and the Peoples and the VH1s will still carry on this now pointless argument, throwing out their Eva Longorias (what?), Jennifer Lopezes (who?) and Julia Robertses (yeah, right!), as though this topic were still open for discussion. But, really, case closed. Arguing for the supreme sexiness of Eva Longoria in the lifetime of Angelina Jolie is like being a vociferous creationist on the day that a particularly sharp monkey uses an abacus, writes a sonnet, and finally masters the nuances of written Latin. In other words, a tough position.

Because Angelina Jolie is not sexy, exactly; she's more like what an alien race might concoct from scratch, based on some half-garbled idea of earthly sexiness. But, being an alien race, and not really understanding the usual limitations of humanity, they go a little overboard: the lips, the curves, the smoldering glance. Like, nice try, alien race, but let's get real.

Also remember this: the woman can act. Recall way back when, before she sold her soul and other body parts to Mammon, and became the female version of Nicolas Cage. Granted, the two Tomb Raider films put us in mind of that hoary old saying. How does it go? Fool us once, shame on us; fool us twice, this movie sucks even worse than the first one.

In fact, Jolie's nuclear hotosity may have blinded some to the fact that she hasn't made a good movie since 1999's Girl Interrupted, and she hasn't even tried to make a good movie since Beyond Borders in 2003. Otherwise, it's all Tomb Raider and Gone in Sixty Seconds and Taking Lives and Alexander.

But she has it in her to be great. We may never see it again, but it's there. And maybe it's better that she isn't plumbing the depths of her emotional reserves on a regular basis, because, in general, she seems much more balanced since she stopped wearing all black and smooching with her brother and letting it all hang out in Gia. She's quit with the knives, she's got a kid now, she's finally ditched Billy Bob, she's whittled her unnamed male and female lovers down to a manageable half-dozen or so. She's got it under control.

And we hear Mr. & Mrs. Smith is pretty good for what it is. It will be fun to watch if only to see Brad Pitt as one-half of a couple in which, for once, he's the one who makes you think, You know, maybe you're just not hot enough for her.

The Case For Bottled Water

What are you going to do? Drink from the tap? When's the last time you drew a cold glass of water in the kitchen sink? Sure, it may have been yesterday, in which case we can render a decision in this battle right now. But there are no doubt loads of you who'd no more drink from the tap than drink from the toilet.

Because you're bottled-water junkies. And despite the irritating product names (Aqualucidia; Quenchafina; Refreshmo) and those persistent, urban-myth-esque rumors that Pepsi or whoever is filling their Aquafina bottles from, like, Cincinnati's urban water source ["That's not an urban legend, it's true! It's purified tap water!" -- WC], you're not about to wean yourself from the transparent plastic teat.

We could bemoan the fact that, through sheer marketing genius and vague paranoia, we've all now been convinced to pay $2 a pop for something we used to get FOR FREE, and STILL CAN. But, let's face it, it's no worse than (a) paying $4 at Starbucks for something that used to cost 50 cents at most and refills were a given, and (b) drinking tons and tons of car-paint-stripping, tooth-devouring Coca-Cola. Really, if you're thirsty, and you're in 7-11, you're going to spend that money on something. Better Evian, no matter its provenance, than Mountain Dew, which is basically Evian + sugar + caffeine + bubbles.

The Decision

What it really boils down to is this: we're not hear to debate the merits of bottled water, but rather to decide which we could more easily live without -- bottled water or Angelina Jolie. Now, you might say, what's one movie star, more or less? Who's going to miss Gone in Another 60 Seconds? Isn't Jennifer Connelly pretty hot? And is Jolie really worth going back to the days of drinking dirty, dirty water from the tap?

Oh, yes, friend. Yes, she is. She's not only the hottest woman alive by several degrees, but she speaks her mind and doesn't care about revealing her odd predilections. And she does work for the children. Think of the children! Do you want to take her from them, just so you can suckle your deluxe, beloved, overpriced agua? You want to leave little Maddox an orphan, just because you have unspecified but nagging doubts about fluoridation?

Okay, that's not quite fair: we're deciding which we can live without, not Maddox. But don't underestimate the value of a plain-spoken, entertaining, child-aiding, actually talented, slightly crazed, incredibly hot movie star. Hell, we'll come and fill a hundred tiny bottles with tap water and stick them in your fridge overnight if that will make you feel better. You'll never have to know.

The Winner

Angelina Jolie