Chris Kattan Vs. Emery Boards

The Case For Chris Kattan

As a former cast member of Saturday Night Live, Chris Kattan is subject to a great deal of scorn and contempt. His detractors would level the same accusations at him that most ex-SNLers get -- he ran his recurring characters into the ground, he made ill-advised spin-off movies, etc. But actually, we always thought he was pretty funny. Not doing Mr. Peepers. Or the Roxbury guy. Or the Goth kid. Or Mango, obviously. But remember when he'd play the male half (the female half having been played by Cheri Oteri) of the inappropriately oversexualized couple? Or when he would come out during Weekend Update and do terrible re-enactments of things like Queen Elizabeth falling down? Come on, that shit was funny.

Post-SNL, Kattan has...how to put it kindly...not been in danger of overexposure. He starred in Corky Romano (a film that was, at one time, subtitled "Special" Agent, hee), and while we didn't actually go see it in the theatre, or rent it, or stop on the channel when it aired on the movie channel, the trailer looked kind of amusing -- at least, it looked about a million times less insufferable than anything Rob Schneider's offered us in the past decade. And now, Kattan is about to return to (select) theatres in Adam & Steve, a comedy following two couples -- one straight, one gay. Now, normally when you add "gay themes" to "former SNL cast member," the result is offensive (and, truly, Sandler -- we believe you like girls, so please calm down). However, in this case, at least one of the actors making up the gay couple -- Malcolm Gets -- is fully out and proud, so the chances of there being any gay minstrelsy on display decrease dramatically. Having Parker Posey play the lady in the straight couple also constitutes a homophobia insurance policy. Will it be funny? Who knows. At least GLAAD probably won't be outside the box office making a human chain to keep potential ticket buyers away.

The Case For Emery Boards

Some would say that the emery board is but the disposable country cousin of the noble nail file. And while it's true that both perform the same function -- filing your nails -- emery boards have it all over nail files. For one thing, they work better: they're rougher, like the sandpaper they're probably actually made out of. For another, when you get them from the drugstore, seeing them in their packaging all expectant and red is quite pleasing. And, hello, they're disposable. When one stops doing such a great job on your manicure, chuck it and get a new one. What are you supposed to do with a nail file when it starts to get dull? It's not like you can take a nail file strop to it.

The best thing about emery boards is that they're so cheap, you can stash them all over -- your bag, your office pencil cup, your bedside table, your car -- and be prepared for manicure emergencies as they arise. For those of us who are recovering nail-biters, having the right tools on hand to deal with a hangnail is the most crucial of our twelve steps. (It's even above "think about all the invisible germs you've touched since you last washed your hands before you stick that ragged cuticle in your mouth.")

The Decision

An emery board is an extremely useful tool in your ongoing project of looking presentable and nice. Can't argue with the value of that, right? But on the other side...well, it's not like Chris Kattan can do much to make you look good (except maybe look worse by comparison), but does it even seem like he's very interested in looking good himself? Like, for instance, would you say he's putting very much effort into buffing up the jagged hangnails that plague his career? All signs point to no. An emery board can help put the finishing touch on your look, ensuring that even if you're put to minute scrutiny, even your smallest extremities will past muster. Chris Kattan may, at some point, have put a finishing touch on something worth your looking at it, but if he wants to match the achievements of even your oldest, humblest emery board, he needs to come up with a few more gay, speedskating Hitlers.

The Winner

Emery Boards