David Koechner Vs. Raisins

The Case For David Koechner

Some actors give the impression of being a little snobby. They never appear in any projects that they wouldn't want shown at their AFI tribute, they only work with high-toned, award-minted stars, and, in their studied respectability and rectitude, they bore the crap out of us. We're talking about you, Jennifer Ehle! David Koechner, however, is not that sort of actor. His tastes are as catholic as his lower lip is off-center.

If we're being entirely honest, we have to admit that, with a selective reading of his CV, one can easily damn him as an exemplar of stolid mediocrity: Dirty Work, Out Cold, Life Without Dick, Waking Up In Reno, A Guy Thing, Still Standing, My Boss's Daughter, and Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector speak for themselves. In a loud, braying voice, spraying you with a fetid mist of Arby's sandwich crumbs and despair.

But there's more to Koechner than his apparent willingness to appeal to the lowest common denominator: roles in Wag The Dog, Freaks & Geeks, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy, Reno 911!, Thank You For Smoking, The Office, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby indicate that he's fallen in with a good crowd. One of those roles in the latter category required that he take a dump in a co-worker's office (offscreen) -- but that also happened to be the only title on the list that has been nominated for a major award, so Koechner's characters must crap in a really classy way.

Though Koechner may, to this point, have distinguished himself with some exceedingly undistinguished credits, it looks like he's trying to reduce his involvement with blue-collar comedy; from the Will Arnett starring vehicle Let's Go To Prison to the Reno 911! movie to a TV series based on the monthly Naked Trucker & T-Bone show he performs live in Los Angeles with Dave "Gruber" Allen, there's not an embarrassing smear to be seen. Even the initially unfortunate-sounding Unaccompanied Minors -- in which a group of children stranded at an airport assemble a makeshift holiday -- must have something going for it; it co-stars Rob Corddry, Mindy Kaling, Tony Hale, and Rob Riggle, among many other comic superstars. So maybe his earlier offerings were made more so he could buy shoes for his kids than to prove some kind of populist point about the entertainment marketplace or something. We'd still rather spend the holidays trapped in an airport with him, in character from Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector, than with Jennifer Ehle and her parade of corsets.

The Case For Raisins

Raisins are nature's candy! Or so we're told when they show up, against all hope or expectation, bobbing in the sea of M&Ms and Tootsie Pops that is a haul of Hallowe'en booty. The neighbourhood residents who couldn't countenance giving kids even more sugar that greatest of all kids' holidays used raisins as a semi-legitimate alternative. At least, unlike toothbrushes or crayons, we could put raisins in our lunches.

As an ingredient, raisins are remarkably versatile. They're sweet enough to go in desserts like butter tarts and mince pies, yet blend well enough with savoury flavours to be added to turkey dressing or a nice green salad. Without raisins, trail mix would be just as dusty and dry as the trail itself. Really, you can throw them on just about any dish and whomever you serve it to will note that your culinary whims are subject to no man's cookbook.

Let us also take a moment to pay tribute to raisins in pop culture: specifically, to the California Raisins. Those little fuckers so took America by storm that they put out albums. Sure, it was cute in the commercials to watch them singing such Motown hits as (duh) "I Heard It Through The Grapevine," but why would anyone want to listen to that if you couldn't also chuckle at how ridiculous it was to see them? Before you get too smug about what kinds of dumb crap people bought in the '80s, though, be aware that an album by a certain Crazy Frog was #1 in Canadian album sales last week; every generation has its own musical shame.

The Decision

There is a certain kind of person who thinks that your dessert item will be improved by the addition of raisins, on the theory that the more space is filled by healthy raisins, the less room there will be for icing or brown sugar. That kind of person is "your mom," and she's just trying to spoil your fun and save your teeth. Your mom is such a jerk! Raisins may appear in many otherwise tasty desserts, but they pretty much never improve them. Koechner, though, appears both in movies that would probably be pretty good without him, but are made even a little bit better for his presence (like The 40 Year Old Virgin); and in movies that would be pretty crappy without him, but are made just about tolerable for his presence (like The Dukes Of Hazzard). This week's Snakes On A Plane might be delicious, or it might just be gross. But we're sure that, if it's the latter, we won't be mentally picking Koechner out of his scenes like raisins out of a cinnamon roll.

The Winner

Koechner