Queen Latifah Vs. Gift Wrap

The Case For Queen Latifah

Ice Age: The Meltdown voicer Queen Latifah and unemployed-since-circa-Hitch Will Smith have followed almost exactly the same career trajectory: crowd-pleasing, not-especially-hard-edged rap; starring role in a sitcom; transition to film; Oscar nomination. And yet while he comes across as a chump sellout, she still seems cool. How did she manage that?

A few guesses: Queen Latifah doesn't come across as a needy punk in interviews. Queen Latifah isn't married to a woman who's using Scientology materials to home-school her kids. (Though the rumour is that if the Queen were to take a consort, her monthly tampon budget would have to double...think about it.) Queen Latifah's terrible movies have smaller budgets and therefore are less noticeable or memorable when they flop. And "Ladies First" could curb-stomp "Parents Just Don't Understand."

Also, Queen Latifah endorses Pizza Hut, and so do we. Any company innovative enough to find new sites for cheese deposits is a company we all should support in every way we can, whether it's providing voice-overs for their TV spots or ordering their Stuffed Crust pizzas with cheddar and mozzarella topping and a side of, oh, let's say, fried brie.

The Case For Gift Wrap

Giving a gift is, of course, a lovely gesture, just in general. It's (probably) going to be generous and thoughtful and kind, and the recipient will be grateful you have remembered him or her. But it does lessen its impact if the gift you're handing over is...well, naked. This is why the difference between "giving someone something" and "giving someone a gift" lies in the gift wrap.

Oh, the world of gift wrap! We freely admit that we have kind of a thing about it. Not just the paper, although the many lovely patterns in which it's now available (some suitable for framing, in our view) are a pleasure to behold. But there's all the other jazz -- bows, embellished tags, stripey or metallic tissue paper, stickers, ribbons of all colours and widths and susceptibility to curling. Many's the time we've stood enthralled in the gift wrap section at Target, so cleverly colour-co-ordinated, gripped with option paralysis.

But the great thing about gift wrap is that even if you're too cheap to shell out for it yourself, it's possible to go through life and never have to pay a cent for it: just open your own presents very, very carefully and save the paper. Seriously, use that little blade on your Swiss army knife to slice the tape cleanly and you can reuse every scrap that's ever given to you. At least, as long as the gifts you buy for others are small. If you buy someone a new microwave and don't want to ruin the recipient's surprise, you may have to go to the drugstore and drop a buck on a roll.

The Decision

Well, now that we've raised the subject of saving money on gift wrap, we have to be completely honest: not only can you skinflintily reuse paper others give you; you can also improvise your own gift wrap out of materials you already have in your home. Newspaper can pass as wrapping paper, string and twine are just folksier kinds of ribbon, and if you shop at nice enough stores, their shopping bags can double as gift bags and they'll probably even give you tissue paper if you ask nicely enough. But even if you happened to live with a Grammy-winning recording artist, a seasoned comic TV actor, and an Oscar nominee, there's no way you could make the three of them into one Queen Latifah. No, not even if all three of them really loved Pizza Hut.

The Winner

Queen Latifah