Uma Thurman & Luke Wilson Vs. Flip-Flops

The Case For Uma Thurman & Luke Wilson

Well, they're the actors so useless that we had to combine them to make it a fair fight with any half-handy household object. Seriously -- is there a recent film you've wanted to see less than My Super Ex-Girlfriend, let alone sacrifice your corkscrew for? Is there an actress/genre combo less appealing than Uma Thurman doing farce? Is there an actor who seems less interested than Luke Wilson in his own career choices? Does Luke Wilson even read the scripts that come to him? Do you honestly believe that he read this script and chose it over other, inferior scripts? Does it not seem more likely that his agent texted him the title and salary and he wrote back, "Cool. Whn flmng start?"

Okay. We realize we're not making a very convincing case for either of them.

Let's start with Luke. He's never had the preternatural charm of his brother, Owen, that allows his brother, Owen, to sleepwalk through dog crap with a cock-eyed grin that lures us back again and again. Untitled Owen Wilson Project used to be a working title for a script, but now it's a script. You, Me And Dupree could essentially be called The Riffing Of Owen Wilson.

No one would ever pay to see a movie called The Riffing Of Luke Wilson.

But Luke's found a serviceable niche as the bland boyfriend, and has assembled a résumé that reads like a countdown of Movies You Didn't Like, Never Saw, or Forgot Even Existed. To wit: Charlie's Angels, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White And Blonde, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, Alex & Emma, The Family Stone. Yes, we gave him a lot of leeway after The Royal Tenenbaums, but that was five years ago, people. This leeway's gone stale! Moldy leeway!

As for Uma, we discussed her "appeal" in this Fame Audit. To which we'll only add now that, somehow, her performances in the not-actually-that-good Kill Bill films left someone, possibly her, believing that she's a person people want to see starring in movies. Do such people exist? Where are they? Did they like Be Cool? Or Prime, a not-actually-that-bad movie that she single-handedly choked to death? Paycheck? No? The Golden Bowl? She has been good, or even watchable, in precisely one (1) movie, and that was Pulp Fiction. In fact, given her subsequent contributions to cinema, along with those of John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson, perhaps it's time we start talking about the Pulp Fiction curse.

The Case For Flip-Flops

We can remember a time when flip-flops had two natural habitats: pool deck, and shower room.

Flip-flops are now, at least in New York, the de facto shoe for women in the city. Tall women, short women, rich women, poor women, professional women, recreating women -- all women wear flip-flops, all the time.

And why not? You know, besides the fact that they put your feet a foam-sole's width away from those weird purple puddles of indistinct fluid, not to mention the daily swirl of city grime. Oh, and the whole subway thing. Seriously, if you're in the subway wearing flip-flops, do not look down.

Otherwise, their appeal's easy to understand. They're comfy in the heat. They're cheap. They're easy.

They are, in a word, useful.

The Decision

We would happily throw our flip-flops off a rooftop if it guaranteed that Luke Wilson and Uma Thurman would never make another movie again. We would eat our flip-flops with Worcester sauce if it would guarantee they'd never make a movie again together. We know that's not really how this whole comparison thing works, but it should give you a sense of which way we're leaning. Why do we feel so strongly? Because one of these things gives you flip-flops. The other two just give you flops.

The Winner

Flip-flops.