Thirteen Conversations About One Thing; Namely, Alan Arkin

Conversation #1:

1: You know who's a really good actor?
2: Who?
1: Alan Arkin.

Conversation #2:

1: Alan Arkin really doesn't get enough credit.
2: Perhaps you're right.
1: Sure, people know his face, but I think his acting style -- that flat, laconic tone of his, for example -- has gotten in the way of him really achieving star status.
2: What do you mean? He's a star, isn't he? He's certainly famous. Say his name -- "Alan Arkin" -- and people immediately know who you're talking about.
1: Oh, do they? Do they? I suspect that the name is familiar, but you can't list too many of his movies off the top of your head.
2: Sure I can. There's Glengarry Glen Ross, and he was in, um, Edward Scissorhands, I think, and also, um, wasn't he in Georgie Girl?
1: No.
2: So, that hardly convinces me that he should be more famous.
1: Does this convince you?
[Smacking sound.]

Conversation #3:

2: I enjoyed him on Chicago Hope.
1: That was his son, Adam.
2: No, Alan guest-starred once. As "Zoltan Karpathein."
1: Hmm. Yeah, I guess he'd do that. You know, because of his son.
2: Sure.
1: But you didn't mean that, did you? You confused him with Adam Arkin, didn't you?
2: Yes.

Conversation #4:

1: His middle name is Wolf.
2: [Not listening, distracted by zipper that won't open.]

Conversation #5:

1: Like, take Christopher Lloyd, for example. He's also a character actor, but he's much more famous than Alan Arkin. Everyone knows him from Back to the Future and The Addams Family, but isn't that just because his shtick is to act all crazy and bug-eyed and run around with wacky mad scientist hair?
2: Hey, I like Christopher Lloyd.
1: Hey, I like Christopher Lloyd, too. I'm just saying that maybe if Alan Arkin ran around with crazy mad-scientist hair, then maybe people would know him better and think of him more fondly.
2: Perhaps. But what does he care? He's had a good career. And Christopher Lloyd didn't even have hair in The Addams Family.
1: Whatever. That movie blew.
2: Really? I liked it. Hey, what's that smell?
1: [Sheepishly] What smell?

Conversation #6:

1: Glengarry Glen Ross is a great movie.
2: I liked it, too.
1: Underappreciated.
2: Perhaps.
1: Pacino and Lemmon got all the showcase scenes, but you know who was really the unsung star of that movie?
2: Alan Arkin?
1: I would say Ed Harris, actually. But Arkin was so good, too. Maybe him then.
2: Don't forget Alec Baldwin.
1: How could I, since I got this tattoo? [Reveals Alec Baldwin tattoo.]

Conversation #7:

2: He has two other sons in show business, you know. Matthew Arkin and Anthony Arkin.
1: Really? Have I heard of them?
2: That smell was you, wasn't it?
1: [Pretending not to be listening, fiddling with zipper.]

Conversation #8:

1: Like, I'm just saying that Alan Arkin is a great, great actor ­- on par with, I'd say, Gene Hackman or Christopher Lloyd. But he doesn't really get the love.
2: Why don't you lay off Christopher Lloyd?
1: Hey, I like Christopher Lloyd too. But Alan Arkin has this great workmanlike quality. Like, he'll just work away in ten bad movies in a row, punching the clock and always delivering a solid, enjoyable performance, as he did in such films as The Rocketeer and Gattaca and So I Married an Axe Murderer, and then boom! Just when you forget about Arkin, he lays a brilliant turn on you, like he did in Glengarry or Joshua Then and Now. So he's dependable, yet occasionally brilliant. What's not to like?
2: Did I lend you my copy of Back to the Future Part III?
1: Is that the one in the Old West?
2: Yeah.
1: No.

Conversation #9:

1: You know, his bio says that he was one of only five actors to get a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his first screen role, for The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! in 1966.
2: Really?
1: But his first film role was actually in a movie called Calypso Heat Wave in 1957.
2: Which bio said that?
1: The Leonard Maltin one. From the film encyclopedia.
2: Is Leonard Maltin still doing stuff for Entertainment Tonight?
1: I think he's in semi-retirement or something. He doesn't look well.
2: Maybe he forget about Calypso Heat Wave.
1: Who?
2: Leonard Maltin.
1: How could he, since he got this tattoo? [Reveals Leonard Maltin's Calypso Heat Wave tattoo.]
Leonard Maltin: Hey! Hands off the merchandise!

Conversation #10:

1: I'm no gay, but I'd go see see something just because he's in it.
2: Really? Alan Arkin?
1: Sure.
2: Would you watch Chu Chu and the Philly Flash, the 1981 movie in which Arkin plays "Flash"?
1: Watch it? I wrote it!
2: I love you more each day, except Tuesdays.

Conversation #11:

1: Alan Arkin was so good in Wait Until Dark.
2: Was he better than Quentin Tarantino?
1: What?
2: Quentin Tarantino played the Alan Arkin part in a stage adaptation of that movie, on Broadway in 1998. Marisa Tomei played the Audrey Hepburn part.
1: Ah, Tarantino and Tomei, together again! There's a good reason to stand in line for four hours at TKTS.

Conversation #12:

1: Nowadays, everybody wanna talk like they got something to say/ But nothin' comes out when they move they lips/ Just a buncha gibberish/ And muthafuckas act like they forgot about Arkin!
2: Nice.

Conversation #13:

2: Don't you smell it?
1: What?
2: Oh, man. Dude, that's Alan Arkin.
1: What? Where?
2: Dude, right there!
1: Where?
2: Made you look.
Quentin Tarantino: I heard what you said about me!
1&2: What -- hey!
[Smacking sound.]

• Always dependable, often spectacular

• No one does a better downtrodden everyman

• And he was a regular on Sesame Street from 1970-72, named "Larry"

• Siring three actor-sons may have diluted the Arkin brand

• Actually played Inspector Clouseau in 1968's Inspector Clouseau, which is kind of like spending a season on Happy Days subbing in for Henry Winkler as the Fonz

A paycheck's a paycheck, but The Jerky Boys?

Current approximate level of fame: Ron Rifkin
Deserved approximate level of fame: Christopher Lloyd