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To be totally honest, we don't feel great about our task today: auditing the fame of our youngest subject ever. But we can't be deterred; if we shied away from profiling stars who were likely to sob and throw undignified temper tantrums if they ever happened to read their Fame Audits, we never would have covered Debra Messing.
The indisputable fact is that Dakota Fanning is way too famous. It's like, try to think how many movie roles and TV guest star slots there are for thirty-two-year-old women. Now imagine what it would be like if approximately 97% of those available roles went to Jennifer Garner. (We know; in the week leading up to the premiere of 13 Going On 30, it kind of seems like they already do.) If that were the case, Jennifer Garner would be as famous as Dakota Fanning is now.
Fanning has somehow become the Macaulay Culkin of her generation, if Macaulay Culkin were a not especially choosy girl. (Though we haven't seen him much lately. Who knows what changes puberty has wrought south of the border, down Mexico way? He already could be a not especially choosy girl.) We admit that Culkin made some stinkers in his time -- Richie Rich, Getting Rid of Dad -- but Fanning has coasted amazingly far when you consider she has yet to make her own Home Alone. Sure, I Am Sam netted that Oscar nomination for Sean Penn, but do you know anyone who's seen it? Yet that was (apparently) the vehicle that convinced the world's casting directors that, in addition to possessing the cherubic blonde good looks of every child actor since Shirley Temple, Fanning could also act, and started throwing every prepubescent-girl role at her. She's young Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama! She's the screeching, kidnapped, imperiled child in Trapped! And now she's carrying a comedy -- Uptown Girls! And taking a dainty little dump on Dr. Seuss's legacy in The Cat in the Hat! Oops, getting in a guest-starring role on Friends...before it's too late! And back to previously explored territory -- another imperiled kidnapped child in this week's Man on Fire! The only role in which we couldn't quibble with Fanning's casting was Taken, since at least in that one, there was a decent chance that her character would turn out to be an alien, which would explain why she's so preternaturally self-possessed.
Because Fanning is creepy. All child stars are. They're the same size as real children, but they have that eerily grown-up poise. Have you ever seen a child star on a talk show? They talk about their next "project," and what their managers tell them, and how great it was to work with this actor or that director. If you close your eyes, it's easy to imagine that you're listening to a grizzled old showbiz veteran and not a fourth-grader. I saw Fanning on The Ellen DeGeneres Show not long ago; girlfriend's got bigger bags under her eyes than I do (and I ain't ten). She probably drinks coffee. I'll bet she smokes. And you just know Fanning's parents are going to prolong her time in the sun as go-to child star (and avoid the horrific decutening currently being suffered by Haley Joel Osment and Frankie Muniz) by feeding her whatever anti-aging drugs Jonathan Lipnicki's parents have used to keep him looking absolutely no different than he did in Jerry Maguire. Eight years ago. Or maybe they'll trust in Fanning's natural hormones to turn her into a toothsome young thing, and transition her from Cat in the Hat's pigtails and pinafores to ultra low rise jeans and crop tops of the sort Hilary Duff sported in The Lizzie McGuire Movie, when she was just five years older than Fanning is now. But then again, Fanning does have an even younger, cuter, probably blonder sister, Elle, who is now six. So maybe their parents' long-term plan is always to keep at least one Fanning in reserve.
Dakota Fanning is the creepiest child star working today so, for that reason alone, she should work less and hence be much less famous. Furthermore, seeing her on talk shows proves that she's being robbed of a childhood and therefore, she should work less and hence be much less famous. People, it's just the right thing to do, no matter how you slice it. Slice her a smaller sliver of fame, and do it soon.
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