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A&R guys, we hope you have a lot of savings, because Michael Jackson has put you out of work. We will never need another pop star.
Like all of you, readers, we made a special trip to the record store to get a copy of Thriller when it came out two weeks ago. The title proved accurate: it thrilled us on our first listen and has continued to thrill us daily. We know now which album we'd take to a desert island. We now know what pop music is going to sound like for the next thirty years.
But this isn't The LP Audit, it's the Fame Audit. And basically, tremendous fame and universal adoration are both Michael Jackson's to lose now, though we're at a loss as to what he could even do to turn the public against him. Renown, he already had, as one of the Jackson 5. And he'd earned the respect of his peers, who'd honoured his solo work with a Grammy award and many nominations.
But Thriller has put him on a whole other level, both as an artist and as a celebrity. It proves that, as he has matured into a seasoned musician and composer, Jackson has grown into a man, with a man's concerns and interests. Gone forever is the sweet little boy who promised "I'll Be There." We'll never get him back. Now Jackson is in a position to be -- totally believably -- falsely accused of getting a girl pregnant ("Billie Jean"). He's serenading a "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing" and "The Lady In My Life." In fact, when he's not singing about babes, he's singing about fighting ("Wanna Be Startin' Something," "Beat It")...or singing about fighting about a babe ("The Girl Is Mine" -- and while we're on the subject, what a genius move it was for him to duet with Paul McCartney, the only other recording artist as likely as Jackson is still to be topping the Billboard charts "When [he's] Sixty-Four"!). So, fighting and girls. What could be more normal, masculine, or heterosexual?
The one thing we'd recommend to complete Jackson's transformation from little Michael into a grown-up man is the addition of a girlfriend. Maybe another celebrity -- maybe Valerie Bertinelli? They'd make such a cute couple. And think of how cute their kids would be. Jackson seems like he'd be a doting and attentive father -- even to the point of crowding the kids' mother right out of their lives. And obviously he'd know exactly how to turn his own children into music superstars, having learned so many unforgettable lessons in parenting talented kids from his own father Joe.
And obviously, Jackson is interested in attracting women, if we can judge by his recent rhinoplasty. And why not? There's nothing wrong with a little discreet self-improvement. It's not like he's the only showbiz celebrity to change his looks a bit, and you can hardly even notice the change.
You know, we have a lot of fun at the stars' expense, but even we can't be cynical every second. Thriller is a great album, and we have nothing but admiration and respect for the artist who created it. Some people were just born to spread joy and make the world a better place, and Michael Jackson is one of them. And with Thriller on the turntable, who among us could even imagine feeling differently about him?
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