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Question: When you see that Val Kilmer is starring in a movie, which of the following answers best describes the likelihood that you will want to see that movie?
a) Very likely
b) Somewhat likely
c) Somewhat unlikely
d) Not at all likely
e) Not an ice cube's chance in the armpit of a marathoner likely
Believe it or not, our own personal response to this question has slid, over the years, from A all the way to E. (It's the first part of that assertion that might be hard to believe, not the last.) We actually sought out Thunderheart for the sole reason that it starred Val Kilmer. And then, many years later, we purposefully avoided Wonderland for that very same reason.
Of course, our younger readers will find it hard to recall a time when Kilmer was more than just a slightly bloated, vaguely sunburned, perpetually pleased-with-himself, walking Hollywood migraine. But way back in the era of Top Secret! and Top Gun -- you know, back when Kilmer was doing all the hot Top movies -- his presence in a film actually seemed like a plus. It was, in fact, an extra reason to go -- hell, a reason all on its own. Kilmer was the sexy acting prodigy with the Juilliard pedigree and the Elvis swivel in his hips.
It's difficult, then, to pinpoint exactly when he turned into such an unlikable dink. (In public at least; in private he may be a genial sweetheart.) But it seems to have been around the time he starred as Jim Morrison in The Doors.
This role had several toxic effects on him. It exposed him to dangerously high levels of Oliver Stone. (Stone, of course, is King Dink. He's the Ur-Dink. If he recorded an album, it would be called O.D. -- Original Dinksta.) Kilmer's role in the The Doors seemed to convince him that he was, in fact, a rock star and not just playing one in a movie. It transformed his precocious swivel into a preening swagger.
The second step in the Irreversible Dinkification of Val Kilmer seemed to occur four years later when, in 1995, he accepted the role of Batman. This decision wasn't dinkish on its own, but it indicated that Kilmer was tired of being the pleasing and talented star of ignored films like Thunderheart and Tombstone and was ready to be the well-paid and adulated star of blockbuster films like Batman Forever. Sadly, this career change instead led him down the path toward becoming the smug and grating star of unwatchable and ignored films like The Saint and At First Sight.
This would seem a sad fate for any actor -- and certainly not the outcome Kilmer had hoped for -- if not for the fact that, frankly, Kilmer doesn't really seem to give a shit. Seriously -- when you watch him onscreen now, half the time he's smirking like he's the fake bad-ass at the back of algebra class whom everyone giggles at but secretly feels sorry for.
Nowadays, Kilmer occasionally turns up in indie films like Wonderland and The Salton Sea, in which he gets to sweat out great glistening droplets of acting cred. But otherwise he seems quite content to float from flop to flop, hogging parts in films like Red Planet that could have gone to actually likable and fun-to-watch actors like, say, William Fichtner, rather than to some guy who spends his time pissing off directors and alienating co-stars and generally leaving a wake of resentment and barely veiled contempt.
Which is too bad. Because he rocked in Top Secret!. He double-rocked as Doc Holliday in Tombstone. And we kind of hope he'll rock once more in Spartan, the new thriller from David Mamet. But he can rock all he wants and he'll never shrug off the mantle of dink. He'll forever have the taint of dink about him. He's a permadink. He's so dink, he's dunk.
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