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As hard as it is to remember now, we used to like Lindsay Lohan, and so did you. And we're not talking some distant, forgotten era -- this was, like, a year ago. Remember Mean Girls? That was last summer.
Yes, it was that recently that young Lindsay Lohan burst back on the scene, all strawberry hair and brassy wit, beating the mean girls at their own game, being spunky, cute, smart, sassy, klutzy and, yes, kind of sexy, all in one. They said she looked like a young Ann-Margret but we didn't care, because we kept thinking, "A young Ann-Margret who? -- Didn't that woman have a last name? What was she -- Elvis?"
And the most scandalous thing you could say about Lohan way back then -- in 2004 -- was that she'd filled out quite a bit since her Freaky Friday days. (She may not have changed bodies with her mother, but she seemed to have swapped bra sizes.)
But up to that point, she was doing everything right -- after early success, she disappeared for a while, then resurfaced in a couple more charming and smart comedies. Maybe it would turn out to be too much, too soon, but at that point -- and again, we remind you, we're talking about last summer -- it seemed like just enough, at just the right time.
In hindsight, though, turns out maybe it was actually too much, too soon.
Because now, a year later, Lindsay has lapped Jessica and Britney on the great oval track of tabloid freakdom, pulled even with Paris, and seems ready to lope with a few hard strides into the front-of-the-pack company of Jacko and Liza Minnelli.
Think about it: on her current tabloid meltdown pace, where will she be in five years? Where will she be next summer, for crying out loud? She's gone from teen darling to vaguely out-of-control child-star cautionary-tale to a freakishly skinny, unnerving specimen of ill health in one calendar year. What's next? Radical facelifts? She chops off an arm? She has a huge tattoo of her face tattooed onto her existing face?
It took Michael Jackson a lifetime to get where he is now, and a good ten years from his Thriller peak to the irreversible, okay-he's-gone-totally-nuts decline years. We do sincerely hope that Ms. Lohan's mental condition is in nowhere near such a state of disrepair, but ghastly physical transformations are never a good sign of general well-being. Drugs and fun are one thing (and we're not saying she's involved in either...or not), but she's already evincing that alarming, who-gives-a-fuck-what-they-think stage of celebrity, which is usually accompanied by (a) radical cosmetic changes, (b) alarming weight fluctuations, (c) disturbing lapses in public judgment, or (d) all four. Whitney Houston is currently in the "all-four" category. Lohan looks to be at about two and two-thirds.
And we almost called her "Lindsay" there, which is part of the problem. She's been adopted, like some buxom but troubled street urchin, by the Fagin-ish celebrity rags. Now she's part of that brood, along with Britney and Jessica and Cameron and Ashton and all the other first-name-only all-stars. Her tabloid fame far outstrips her movie successes. Who cares anything about Herbie: Fully Loaded? She herself has essentially disowned it. The only context in which anyone can talk about it concerns speculation that her breasts have been shrunk. This after a year of speculation that her breasts had been enlarged.
But of course, we're all excited about her next big movie...you know. The next one. Nexty Nexterson. What's it called? Mission: Impossible 3? Did she get that? There must be something big on the horizon. Otherwise, why would she hold our attention so consistently? There must be a reason, right?
Actually, there was a reason, a year ago. We were excited about her next big movie back then. But her next project turned out to be The Lindsay Lohan Show, and it's turned out to be a bit ghastly.
It's all well and good to laugh and point and snark on her twenty-four hours a day, on this great electronic conduit of schadenfreude we've assembled. She not only made her bed -- she made it, tossed in it, then puked on the sheets. So if she's lying in it now, well, you can't say you didn't see it coming.
But, seriously, given her family life and the small shards of information you can get about her extreme unhealthiness just by looking at her, is there anyone more in need of an actual intervention by, you know, actual people who know her and might be able to help her at this point?
We don't know her. Maybe she's totally healthy, happy, and in control. Really, it's none of our business. But we liked her once, we did, and it wasn't so long ago. So it's now sad to see her essentially filling the same niche as Jessica Simpson, because Lohan actually has talents. Seriously. We're pretty sure we remember them. We mean, we're only concerned about the fame here, but with Lohan, the fame seems to be consuming everything else, including her.
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