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O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, whose grandfather invented the the shopping mall!
O Edward Norton, whose grandfather did not, however, invent the ice-cream cone, as director Tony Kaye once told Vanity Fair!
O Edward Norton, avid non-smoker!
O Edward Norton, lover of Courtney Love!
O Edward Norton, lover of Salma Hayek!
O Edward Norton, who managed to make a terrible - terrible - movie like Primal Fear watchable with your hypnotic performance as that stuttering Southern kid in prison!
O Edward Norton, who, legend has it, went to the Primal Fear audition and said that he, too, was from Eastern Kentucky, and spoke in an accent and fooled everyone, even though he learned the accent by watching Coal Miner's Daughter!
O Edward Norton, who's from an established East Coast family!
O Edward Norton, who went to Yale!
O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, who played a lawyer in a biography about a pornographer, and was so good he managed to make a scene in the Supreme Court the most boner-inducing of the whole film!
O Edward Norton, who stormed through American History X as a furious goateed skinhead!
O Edward Norton, whose perpetually parted-on-the-side hair looks like it was slicked down by his mom for class-picture day!
O Edward Norton, he of so much promise!
O Edward Norton, the one-time real deal!
O Edward Norton, who started to lose us sometime around Rounders! Or was it Sleepers? No, it was Rounders!
O Edward Norton, who may have married Brad Pitt in a secret ceremony during the press tour for Fight Club! 'Cause it kind of looked that way!
O Edward Norton! We believed in Fight Club because you believed in it, and we believed in you!
O Edward Norton, and then we saw it! And it was a bunch of sophomoric mumbo-jumbo and railing against Ikea! And Brad Pitt in snakeskin pants!
O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, you dated Courtney Love!
O Edward Norton, we're sure maybe there's some endearing side of her we're not seeing, but, really, we're not seeing it!
O Edward Norton, we don't judge!
O Edward Norton, love is blind!
O Edward Norton, the heart wants what the heart wants!
O Edward Norton, a stitch in time saves nine!
O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, who starred in The Score with Robert De Niro and Marlon Brando, in what was touted as a kind of acting master's class with three generations of talent, but which turned out to be a very mediocre heist drama with no apparent purpose other than to allow you, Edward Norton, to pretend to be severely handicapped while carrying a lunchbox!
O Edward Norton, save the showy portrayals of the severely handicapped for movies like Rain Man, where at least there's some effort at making a point, rather than simply letting an actor show off his moves like a skateboarder who's just learned a new trick!
O Edward Norton, who played guitar a few times with Hole!
O Edward Norton, who directed and starred in Keeping the Faith, a film that, despite Jenna Elfman and pretty much the worst opening ten minutes of any movie of the year, was actually charming and likable, and you were charming and likable in it!
O Edward Norton, do you see why it's so hard for us?!
O Edward Norton, do you know we want to love you?!
O Edward Norton, you can act circles around almost anyone, except Philip Seymour Hoffman!
O Edward Norton, you have talent to burn!
O Edward Norton, that doesn't mean you should burn it, which is what you're doing when you make films such as The Score and Red Dragon!
O Edward Norton, you're not an action hero!
O Edward Norton, we know you pumped up for Fight Club, and it shows, but you still look like the captain of a prep-school Gilbert & Sullivan society!
O Edward Norton, fret not!
O Edward Norton, Dustin Hoffman didn't become Dustin Hoffman by starring in films like Red Dragon! Jack Nicholson didn't become Jack Nicholson by starring in films like Red Dragon! Al Pacino didn't become Al Pacino...okay, you get the point!
O Edward Norton, we know sometimes you're contractually obligated to do crap films, as is the case with the upcoming The Italian Job, which Sherry Lansing is reportedly forcing you to do to fulfill an obligation that lingers from your very first role in Primal Fear!
O Edward Norton, we forgive you!
O Edward Norton, shine bright!
O Edward Norton, whenever you come onscreen, we can't help but think "Norton!" in our heads in an angry Jackie Gleason voice, and it always makes us giggle!
O Edward Norton, we hear you're quite good in Burn This! on Broadway, though who can get a ticket?
O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, you should be winning Oscars!
O Edward Norton, if you do win one one day, don't bring Courtney as your date!
O Edward Norton, sorry to harp on about the Courtney thing, but seriously! She'll wear something that's all strategically torn, and embarrass you both!
O Edward Norton, Salma's fine, she always looks lovely!
O Edward Norton!
O Edward Norton, maybe if you were a little less famous, you'd stop trying to play movie star, which you're only so-so at, and go back to being an actor, which you're really good at!
O Edward Norton, at least that's our theory!
O Edward Norton, as you shall see below, in our tough-love bump-down of your fame!
O Edward Norton, we're harsh because we care!
O Edward Norton, Death to Smoochy!
O Edward Norton, Death to Smoochy!
O Edward Norton, Death to Smoochy!
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