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Stop someone on the street and ask him who the biggest male movie star is. And you know who he will say? That's right: Tom Cruise.
But this is where it gets tricky: ask him to name another big male movie star. Not big -- huge. And who will he say? Brad Pitt. Unless they say Mel Gibson. Which they might. Or Jim Carrey, if they are inclined toward comedy. Or maybe Tom Hanks. (The older among them might say Harrison Ford, but they are old, and not to be trusted.)
What is clear is that Brad Pitt, while perhaps not the biggest male movie star in the general public's imagination (though he is for some -- oh, he is for some), is definitely top tier. A-list. Crème de la crème. Top five. Hell, top three.
Right. Okay. So what's your point? No surprise here. I mean, he's the Sexiest Man Alive. Twice. And he's just so damn good-looking. And he had that big celebrity marriage. And romped for years with Gwyneth. Also, good-looking.
Granted. But if you look at the facts -- and by "the facts," we mean the films -- when you look the films, it just...it doesn't add up. There's something...okay, don't take our word for it. Look for yourself.
1991: Thelma & Louise. The movie that unleashed Brad Pitt's abs on an unsuspecting populace. He was golden. Women swooned. Hello, world.
1991: Johnny Suede. He's got big hair. Generated mild curiosity because it starred the abs guy from Thelma & Louise. Otherwise, who saw this?
1992: A River Runs Through It. The breakthrough. Supporting role, but lots of attention. Yes, the momentum is definitely building.
1993: Kalifornia. Forgettable road movie/serial-killer film in which Juliette Lewis plays white trash and spends a lot of the time screaming. No, the other one. No, the other one.
1994: Interview with the Vampire. Big build-up, big stars, big flop. Let's move on.
1994: Legends of the Fall. By this time, Pitt had entered a sphere of stardom by which people -- especially women -- would go to any movie with him in it simply in order to see more of him, no matter how boring or tedious the film itself. Notice, however: still no hits.
1995: Se7en. A hit! Finally, a hit! Better yet, a dark, uncommercial surprise hit! He's made it! Abs boy has made it!
1995: Twelve Monkeys. Things are rolling now! A quirky, showy supporting role -- just like stars are supposed to take! An Oscar nomination -- just like stars are supposed to get! He's a star, ma! He's a star!
1997: The Devil's Own. The devil's own flop, that is!
1997: Seven Years in Tibet. As my viewing companion said about forty-five minutes into the film, "Only six years, three-hundred-sixty-four days, twenty-three hours and fifteen minutes to go." Our golden boy stumbles a bit in this one, with his Hogan's Heroes accent and no abs in sight. But he's a star, dammit -- a star!
1998: Meet Joe Black. Oh m'lord. Oh, Sammy. Not even Febreze can get the smell of this one out of your clothes.
1999: Fight Club. There are people out there who bought the line that this is the Clockwork Orange for a new generation. Stay away from those people.
2000: Snatch. Quirky, showy supporting role, just like big stars are supposed to take. What's that? We can't understand you! Oh, Brad!
So -- what have we learned? Did you notice anything missing? Any gaps in the filmography? No?
Well, let us then ask you this: where's the hit? Where's the Top Gun? For the love of pete, where's the Cocktail? Where's the Raiders of the Lost Ark? The Lethal Weapon? The Big? The Ace Ventura? In other words, where's the huge, blockbuster, runaway success that tells the world, "We've got a live one on our hands. Take this kid to the bank!"
Far be it from us to suggest that one's career should be measured only in box-office returns, but on Pitt's résumé, the epochal blockbuster seems to have taken a powder. Se7en? That's the dark thriller you're supposed to make right after you make your Top Gun -- Se7en's the movie that confirms your superstar clout, not the one that establishes it. Brad Pitt has done everything a huge star (the second, maybe third-biggest star in Hollywood) is supposed to do -- the small part that caught everyone's attention; the risky, dark vision that only got made because your name was attached; the quirky supporting roles that tickle the critics; the "worthy" film with no chance at the box office -- everything, that is, except actually make successful movies -- movies that people remember ten years later and say, "Remember the summer of Star Wars? The summer of E.T.? The summer of Forrest Gump? The winter (and summer, and winter) of Titanic? The summer of Fight Club?"
Oh, no. There was no summer of Fight Club. Or Joe Black, or Legends of the Fall, or even, frankly, Se7en. Look, we're not saying that Brad Pitt has made bad career decisions. In fact, he's made remarkably good ones, for an Adonis-like creature with limited acting range. And he was good in Se7en. ("Open the bawks! Open the baaaaaaaawks!") And he's very pretty. But what we are saying is that perhaps -- just perhaps -- the super-hyper-megastardom of Brad Pitt is built on little more than great abs, dewy eyes, a couple of People covers, two high-profile celebrity relationships, one high-profile celebrity marriage, and great abs. And if this site were called AbTracker, then you can bet we'd argue till our neck veins popped that Brad Pitt deserves to be at the very sunny centre of this universe of fame.
But it's not, and we aren't, because he doesn't.
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