|
Hi, I'm Wesley Snipes. Remember back when I used to act in movies? You know, films like Jungle Fever and Mo' Better Blues and White Men Can't Jump? Remember when my screen presence was electric and joyous and I could even be kind of sexy and, you know, funny? Remember when I actually starred in a comedy? Seriously, I did! Major League! I was in that! And I was damn funny. Remember?
Yeah, me too. God, I hate thinking about those days.
Because let me tell you what happened to me. I discovered action films. I discovered Passenger 57 and big paychecks that they give you just for scowling. No smiling required, let alone acting. It's awesome! Or, as I might say now: It's awesome. Grrrr.
Sure I did! I did Boiling Point and Rising Sun and next thing you know, I'm starring opposite Stallone in Demolition Man. And we're on the set one day and we're chatting and he's talking about how much better he feels since he left behind the sensitive acting of Rocky and F.I.S.T. and even First Blood, and I'm like "Really?" and he's like, "Sure." Then he passes me this chalice and I drink from it and then my muscles start growing, and this scowl kind of ossifies across my lips, and my eyes go dead, and my bank account starts filling up...
And now you can enjoy me in Blade: Trinity, harrumphing my way through the film in much the same way I harrumphed through the first two, as though they weren't acting gigs, but rather Saturday afternoon chores added to my to-do list just when I thought I could finally go golfing.
With this latest film, I've finally completed the project Stallone and I started so many years ago: I have successfully drained myself not only of personality, but of any entertaining element whatsoever. I must be the only famous movie star whose persona could essentially be described as "The fuck you looking at?"
Now even my co-stars are complaining publicly about what a grump I was on the set of Blade, although they've cleverly cloaked their comments in the old "he's so intense that he was in character the whole time" ruse -- also a favorite of Russell Crowe's co-stars. That way, they're not saying I'm a standoffish jerk, but rather a dedicated craftsman whose total commitment to his role just happened to make him act like a standoffish jerk. Either way, though, you can be assured that, on set, I was standing off somewhere, being jerkish.
But screw them! I don't need damn Ryan Reynolds or damn Jessica Biel, and let me tell you, their inclusion in the series is in no way an indication that the producers are grooming new stars for spin-offs so they won't have to deal with my finicky ass. Oh, did I mention I refused to do publicity for the film? Why would they expect me, the star, to promote the film? Get damn Jessica Biel to do it! Get damn Cynthia Nixon to do it! Yes, I know she's not in the movie. The fuck I care?
And don't mourn the old me -- embrace the new me! Actually, don't -- seriously, step back. I can crack your spine -- I'm a 5th-Degree black belt, fothermucker! And I'm creepily obsessed with The Art of War!
But I beat the system! I now make my living playing a grumpy, grumbling, mumbling, sunglass-wearing, line-swallowing sourpuss -- and that's three movies and counting. Ka-ching! And if they pull the plug on Blade, so what? I'll star as Slice, the cranky mummy who fights other mummies. I won't even say any lines in those films. I'll sit in a chair and point at people, and they'll fall over and die. Then I'll snap and someone will bring me a Diet Sprite.
They should definitely work on getting some cool fried-to-ashes effect for the mummies I kill, though. I think that would be important.
Now bring me my damned Sprite.
|
