Mercury - Rolling Boil "Hi, I'm Scott Bakula, the newest captain of the Starship Enterprise. Of course, the series in which I'll be starring -- helpfully titled Enterprise, just so there's no possible way of mistaking it -- is actually set chronologically well before the start of the original Star Trek TV series in which William Shatner starred, even though it's coming to the air after The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine and Voyager and what-have-you....What do I mean? I mean that my series is kind of like a prequel to the -- you know what? It doesn't matter. (Dammit, I told those fools at UPN that no one would get it!) Anyway, I feel I have learned so much from all the Starfleet commanders who've come before me. From Avery Brooks and Kate Mulgrew, the Star Trek franchise's first non-white and non-male commanders, I've learned how best to be a Star Trek pioneer. For instance, I will be the first Starfleet commander to have appeared on the cover of Playgirl. From William Shatner, I've learned not to be afraid to sex up females and/or hermaphrodites of alien races -- because sometimes, they're really hard up. And from Patrick Stewart, I've learned that the odds that I'll ever get non-Trek work again, or that I'll ever be recognized outside a Trek context, are basically nil, and thus I've made my peace with that already. You'd think Stewart would have gotten that by now, and quit bitching that no one appreciates his one-man Christmas Carol or whatever the hell, because Christ knows he has no problem cashing the cheques."

Venus - Bubbles Aplenty
"Hi, I'm Kiefer Sutherland. I, too, have learned lessons from those who've come before me. In my new Fox series 24, each hour-long episode represents an hour of a single day in my character's life, and the whole thing plays out in real time, just like in that Johnny Depp vehicle, Nick of Time. But, uh, since that movie was terrible and is largely forgotten and he's basically acting like it never happened, I'm just planning to move to France. I figure it couldn't hurt, and might help."

Earth - Whistling Kettle
"Hi, I'm Sally Field. Hey, didn't I once have a new show that was starting this year? Where I played a judge and...no? Okay. I guess you don't like me after all."

Mars - Lots of Steam
"Hi, I'm Jill Hennessy. What do you need Sally Field for, anyway? What does she bring to the TV table? A judge. Sure. But in my new series, Crossing Jordan, I play a tough pathologist kicking ass all over Boston. What can a judge do? Sentence someone to death? Big deal! My character actually cuts people open! And then I walk down the street in slow-motion, all tall as hell and with my non-grey hair flapping in the breeze! Didn't you see the promo? With that Garbage song on the soundtrack? I'm only happy when it rains! You wouldn't see me in Where the Heart Is! My show isn't like Providence at all! Give it a chance! It's got edge! I know it sounds like Judging Amy, but it's different! Please, save me from Exit Wounds 2!"

Jupiter - Hot to the Touch
"Hi, I'm James Cromwell, one-time pig co-star and temporarily incarcerated Wendy's protester. Admit it: that's all you knew about me -- if you even knew that much. And yet CBS is gambling that you loved me enough those few times I appeared on ER last year, before my character up and died, to follow me to a brand-new show, Citizen Baines, in which I play a U.S. Senator whose re-election bid fails in the pilot. So, let's recap: Second banana to a pig. Arrested at a burger joint. Die. Lose a federal election. Where else could a broken-down old poop like me end up, but CBS? You know, especially now that Dick Van Dyke's retired."

Saturn - A Nice Cup of Tea
"Hi, I'm Dana Delany. The days are gone when The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E. can point to me as an example of a starlet who's fizzled out and failed even to make it to the valley of the mature quail. No, that's what Janine Turner's for, because this fall I'll have a one-hour drama on network TV -- namely Pasadena, for Fox. Of course, I signed on because it was pitched to me as an old-school-style, Dynasty-like primetime soap about a crazy, wealthy family and their various dysfunctions and catfights. (Sure, that formula didn't work out so well last year for Titans, but that was always more of a Fox show, anyway, and really never should have been on NBC.) But then I arrived on the set and saw that sick freak Mike White, who wrote and starred in that perverted mess Chuck & Buck, and some P.A. told me he's actually the executive producer. So now I'm scared that when I get a script that requires me to get into a catfight, it'll be some weird scene where I'm wrestling with an actual bobcat, or something. Is it too late for them to hire Janine Turner for this? It's not like anyone would be able to tell the difference anyway."

Uranus - Tepid Bathwater
"Hi, I'm John Stamos. I am returning to TV, and not in a Full House reunion movie. Please stifle your raucous laughter until I've left the room. I do have feelings, you know."

Neptune - Cold Shower
"Hi, I'm Seth Rogen. I realize that none of the stars of Freaks & Geeks exactly went on to set the entertainment world on fire, but even in that crowd, I'm one of the even-lesser-known stars of the show. That's why I wonder how I, of all people, managed to land back on network TV -- just two short seasons later -- in Undeclared, the new venture by former F&G creator Judd Apatow. Since this one is on a network (Fox) that teenagers occasionally manage to watch -- and not by accident -- and since it's airing on a night (Tuesday) on which teenagers aren't likely to be enjoying bottle tokes in a forest just outside of town, I'm hoping this show has a shot. If not, I've already survived more high-profile failure than men twice my age, so it's not as though I'm not prepared."

Pluto - Gatorade Dumped Over Your Head
"Hi, I'm Sarah Michelle Gellar. Okay, now it's almost September and UPN is actually starting to run promos for the season premiere of Buffy and it's starting to look like no one's about to yell 'Psych!' and that this whole moving-to-UPN thing is actually not an elaborate practical joke and I'm starting to get pretty nervous. Because, hi, UPN is fine for freaking Bakula up there, but I am Sarah. Michelle. GELLAR. I'm Simply Irresistible! And you do not want to be around me when I get Cruel Intentions. These talons aren't just for show, Whedon! FIX IT!"