Mercury - The Bakery "Hi, I'm Harrison Ford. In the Galaxy of Fame, I normally occupy the Sun, staring down at the rest of Famedom, mute and immutable, the personification of untouchable and infallible celebrity. But I'd like to take this this moment to step down to Mercury to say a few words, given that I have, admittedly, hit a patch of rough road lately. Everything was going so smoothly for so long -- I had a consistent enough stream of hits (Clear and Present Danger, Air Force One, What Lies Beneath) to make people forget or overlook the flops (The Devil's Own, Six Days, Seven Nights, Random Hearts), and in my private life, I made nary a misstep. In fact, I was the very model of a fame-shunning, devoted family man, never slumming at movie premieres with my arm slung around Matthew Lillard or cluttering up newsstands with my mug on the covers of Redbook or Ladies' Home Journal. So now some of you might be wondering just what the hell went wrong. I don't just mean the marriage-breaking-up thing -- hey, marriages break up, it happens -- but also the strip-club-bender thing, the snogging-with-Lara Flynn Boyle thing, and the maybe-now's-a- good-time-for-me- to-reprise- Indiana-Jones- at-age-sixty thing. Well, what can I say? After thirty unimpeachable years, I can't have a few slip-ups? Come on, America, cut me some slack! I order up a little side dish of Lara Flynn Boyle and suddenly people think I've gone crackers; meanwhile, Bill Clinton was bouncing interns off his lap for eight years straight and you're still clutching him to your breast like the prodigal son."

Venus - The Back Room at the Dry Cleaner's
"Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage. I have it on good authority that, at a recent showing of Ghost World in Toronto, during a trailer for Windtalkers, my face came on the screen and the audience started laughing. Just like that. Laughing. Is this what it's come to, people? Apparently, I've not only come to personify overblown Hollywood crap, but overblown Hollywood crap that involves bad accents and improbable hair weaves. Ah well. The money's good. And I likes me the money."

Earth - The Tanning Salon at High Noon
"Hi, I'm Penélope Cruz. Does anyone else find it curious that in all of the recent glowing profiles of me, they all stress that I'm enjoying, as Vanity Fair put it, a 'crash course in American stardom,' yet none of them point out that all of my Hollywood films so far have been critical and commercial disasters? A string that started with All the Pretty Horses and Blow, and to which you can now add Captain Corelli's Mandolin? That, in fact, if it weren't for my extreme photogenicity and my homonymic, Pat Kingsley-orchestrated relationship with my next co-star, Tom Cruise, I might right now, as we speak, be garnering about as much attention as anyone else who stars in three straight flops? Like, say, Claire Danes or Anne Heche? Does that strike anyone else as odd? No? Okay, then forget I said anything."

Mars - The Car After Church When You Forgot to Crack the Windows a Bit
"Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. Please, everyone, listen up. I'm here to share something very important that I've discovered recently. Is everybody paying attention? Here goes: America is mean to fat people. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. I found this out when I had to walk through the lobby of the Tribeca Grand Hotel in Manhattan wearing a fat suit that actually convinced people I was fat! It was, as I've said elsewhere, humiliating! People didn't even want to make eye contact with me, let alone ask me for my autograph or photograph me dancing with Mario Testino! How can people live like that? Fat people, I feel your pain, and I have an important piece of advice for you, straight from my heart: take off those fat suits! Really, fat people, it will change your lives. It's worked wonders for me."

Jupiter - A Hotel Lobby
"Hi, I'm Carson Daly. For those of you who didn't see my acceptance speech at the Teen Choice Awards for Choice TV Personality -- who knows, maybe some of you turned the show off after that high-larious 'Moulin Huge' sketch at the beginning -- I'd like to reiterate what I said in my speech. I accept this award on behalf of all the teenagers out there in the heartland of America, who will never get a chance to attend a show like that, but who have been so supportive and who really are the reason for everything we do. To them, I'd like to say, I thank you all, and hope to have sex with each and every one of you. Goodnight."

Saturn - Your College Apartment in January
"Hi, I'm John F. Kennedy Jr. I just heard that a German composer is mounting a Princess Di musical, entitled Lady Di: Das Musical. No, I'm not kidding. Furthermore, what I want to know is: where's my damned musical? Listen folks, I'm not getting any younger down in Davey Jones's Locker. (Okay, I'm not getting any older either, but that's beside the point.) The full German title of the Di musical translates as Lady Di -- Diana: A Smile That Enchants the World. So for my musical, I was thinking something like, John-John -- JFK, Jr.: A Hairstyle That Rebukes the Elements."

Uranus - Your College Apartment in February, Right After You Got the January Heating Bill
"Hi, I'm Jessica Biel. As I recently told Entertainment Weekly, I deeply regret the raunchy topless photo shoot that I did for Gear magazine when I was seventeen. Now that I am nineteen, I am much more mature and realize the error of my ways. And besides, as I said in the interview, 'I thought the layout was going to be much more subdued. I'm talking about how much was shown of my chest area.' I mean, sure, I wasn't wearing a shirt when they were taking the pictures, but I thought they'd be airbrushing the clothes in later! Anyway, I've patched everything up with Aaron Spelling, and I'm happy to be continuing my role on 7th Heaven. After all, a successful show like that only comes along once in a career. Well, once in my career, anyway."

Neptune - Your College Apartment in February, Right After You Got the January Heating Bill, At Night
"Hi, I'm Connie Chung. I'll bet some of you were wondering what ever happened to ol' Connie Chung -- whether I'd retired to a life of darning Maury Povich's socks and cursing Diane Sawyer under my breath. But I'm back, America, as my hardball interview with Gary Condit proved. It's nice to see that my career's back on track -- and all it took was one disappeared intern, presumed dead. Thanks, Chandra!"

Pluto - That Feeling in Your Sinuses When You Eat Ice Cream Too Fast
"Speaking of tragedies....hi, I'm Aaliyah. The really sad thing is that you know, deep in your heart, that someone, somewhere, is already penning a treatment for the TV movie of the week."