Mercury - Spontaneously Combusting "Hi, I'm Anne Heche. In my memory, I sat down for a Barbara Walters interview the likes of which poor old Barbara had never seen. As I recall it, Barbara tried to make with the probing questions that would make me cry, like she does with all her interview subjects, but I was one step ahead of her. I completely saved her the trouble of probing and just let loose with all the sordid, incredible tales of my father's sexual abuse and my conversations with God as an alternate personality called Celestia who spoke in an invented language -- at least, that's what I remember. To my best recollection, I wound it all up by saying that I had been completely crazy until the day I decided to stop being crazy. And then I told her I was pregnant. As is my remembrance. I would have gone into more detail about the signals beamed directly into my head from J. Edgar Hoover's grave, and the time I murdered Gianni Versace just by looking at him, but the segment was only forty minutes long. Oh, and I'm the knife on the edge of the world. Wait -- no, I was the knife on the edge of the world. But now I'm not crazy anymore. Scout's honour!"

Venus - On Fire
"Hi, I'm Barbara Walters. I know you're waiting for some kind of comment or something, but I can't really talk right now, because Anne Heche blew my mind."

Earth - Just Extinguished After Having Been on Fire
"Yeah, right? I'm Mariah Carey, and, yeah, I'm still 'exhausted' and everything, but the real reason I cancelled my planned 20/20 interview with Barbara is that even in my altered state, I still have some sense of showmanship. No way am I going to follow Anne Heche."

Mars - Sweating
"Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien. Hipsters know me as the funniest late-night talk-show host on the air right now -- and possibly the funniest late-night talk-show host of all time -- but where's the future in that? I mean, where's Johnny Carson these days, right? That's why, when I decided it was time to challenge myself creatively, I thought the best way would be to look at the overcrowded lineup of reality shows and declare, 'Me too!' Introducing Lost. It's sort of a tricky premise, so let me explain: the folks are lost. They need to use their wits -- with very little money, no guide, and only a U.S. public-school-calibre knowledge of world geography -- to get from wherever we drop them to New York City in order to win...something. I don't know. We'll figure that out. Yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but surely it's no more asinine than Chains of Love, right? And it's not like there's really anything like Lost on TV right now -- at least, as far as I know."

Jupiter - Comfortable
"Not so fast, Craig. Hi, I'm Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of The Amazing Race -- the show that's like Lost, except good, and on a network that actually knows how to produce reality shows people want to watch. I'm sure that the real question on your minds is, 'Jerry, you've already achieved so much success in films. Why are you slumming on TV?' First of all, it's 'Mr. Bruckheimer.' And second, I'm only human. I know full well that no matter how much money an Armageddon makes, it's not going to earn me any Oscars -- well, maybe for sound or special effects, but none that really matter, or that anyone remembers. However, there is a category at the Emmys for best reality series, and if Road Rules can stumble its way to a nomination, I figure I'm due for the recognition and, hence, legitimacy in the entertainment industry about one year from now."

Saturn - Could Maybe Use a Sweater
"And it's not just you, Jerry. I'm Tom Hanks. I have a whole shelf of Oscars, and still, I pine for an award I've never received: an Emmy. Ha ha! Just kidding -- I already have one, for producing From the Earth to the Moon. But I'd really like a matched set. My formula is pretty much Spielberg + Hanks x HBO = at least 15 Emmy nominations. The show? Does it really matter? Fine -- it's called Band of Brothers. It's Saving Private Ryan, the TV series. Watch it, don't watch it -- I don't really care unless you're an Emmy voter. And don't even waste my time with a Golden Globe."

Uranus - Shivering
"Hi, I'm Geena Davis. I am an Oscar winner, too. But, uh, I tried that Emmy thing, but my formula included Mimi Rogers and it didn't really work out. So I just decided to get attention by getting married a fourth time. Thank you for including me here."

Neptune - Suffering Acute Hypothermia
"Hi, I'm Will Kirby. Right now -- and against all odds -- I am still in the Big Brother house, so I can't comment on the ratings of the show or current events or whatever. All I know is that shaving off all my body hair and using it in obscure voodoo ceremonies is guaranteed to make America fall in love with me. All of you watching the show are in love with me. You know you are. Don't fight it. You can trust me. Really!"

Pluto - Cryogenically Frozen
"Hi, I'm Bob Hope. I just want to take this opportunity to thank the skilled medical professionals who brought me back to the rosy glow of health after my recent bout of pneumonia. No, really. I appreciate having a few more hours living in a state of barely continent senile dementia. Thanks."