Mercury - The Top "Hi, I'm Denis Leary. While other celebrities were busy working their Rolodexes to organize gala benefits and all-star recording sessions, I quickly and quietly set up a website, organized a few hockey games, and generally rolled up my sleeves and got to work raising money for New York firefighters and their families. Hey, a dollar is a dollar is a dollar, and every little bit helps. But, as I've proved, it's possible to raise money without also raising your profile. For which I've earned many people's respect and an all-expenses-paid trip to Mercury."

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Owen Wilson. When I'm not busy stealing movies like Zoolander and Meet the Parents with my hilarious, spot-on characterizations, or starring in indie gems like Bottle Rocket, or generally adding a joviality upgrade to otherwise run-of-the-mill fare like Shanghai Noon or Armageddon, I like to spend my spare time co-writing films like Rushmore and the forthcoming, much-anticipated The Royal Tenenbaums. Yes, I'm that talented. And if I wasn't so damn funny, you'd probably hate me. But I am, so you don't. Sorry about that."

Earth - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm MacGyver. As you may have heard, high-ranking writers from my show, along with writers from Die Hard and other action films, have been called on by the government to help formulate new terrorist-attack scenarios. Well, America, since my crack team of scribes is on the case, you can rest assured that our country is safe from any terrorist plot that involves making homemade plastique from chewing gum and a car battery, or fashioning a makeshift hang-glider from a discarded umbrella, some egg cartons, and an old duvet cover. If the plot involves guns, however, then I'm afraid I can't help you."

Mars - Inner Circle
"Hi, I'm the eminently likable Joan Cusack. I'm guessing that most of you out there like me. You're always glad when I turn up in a movie and deliver my usual top-notch supporting turn as the daffy best friend. In fact, most of you probably support the idea of a Joan Cusack sitcom in theory. However, not nearly enough of you supported the idea of a Joan Cusack sitcom in practice, because my show just got axed by ABC -- an event that, I'm sure, will spur an initial sense of remorse in most of you, which will then be tempered by the realization that you never actually watched an episode."

Jupiter - In the Loop
"Hi, I'm the also-likable Daniel Stern. This year, I've earned the honor of starring in the very first show of the new season to get the axe. Usually, this honor goes to some no-name comedian on an ill-thought-out sitcom about Abraham Lincoln's chambermaid on the UPN. But this year, it's me, the legitimately well-known Daniel Stern. Don't cry for me, though. Now when I go to parties, I can put on my Wonder Years voice-over voice and say, 'I'll never forget that summer when my sitcom got canceled.' It kills every time."

Saturn - Friends With People in the Loop
"Hi, we're the band Anthrax. Though it hardly seemed possible a few months ago, suddenly the poster slogan 'Anthrax: Coming soon to your town!' is inspiring even less joy than ever."

Uranus - On a Clear Day, Can See the Loop
"Hi, we're the cast of Saturday Night Live. Despite the Anthrax scare in the NBC building, we bravely went forward with our show last Saturday night. Before the show, there was some talk of canceling the whole thing. After the show, there was only talk of canceling that Willy Wonka sketch. Yikes."

Neptune - Has Heard Tales of the Loop
"Hi, I'm Oliver Stone. Recently, I stated at a panel discussion in New York my opinion that mediocre Hollywood movies and tight-fisted studios all helped contribute to the September 11th attacks. Then I asked, 'Does anybody make a connection between the 2000 [presidential] election and the events of September 11th?' before explicating my remarks by adding, 'Look for the thirteenth month!' Well, it looks like some people have misconstrued my theories -- as usual -- so I'd like to amend my comments for clarity. First, I'd like to add that I in no way believe that my own mediocre movies, such as U-Turn, Any Given Sunday, or The Doors, contributed to these attacks. Secondly, look for the thirteenth month. I hope that clears things up."

Pluto - So Far From the Loop That it Looks Like a Straight Line
"Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, with an update on the status of my benefit single, 'What More Can I Give?' While Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have dropped out and Destiny's Child has denied having anything to do with it, I have assembled a few voices for the song, including Nick and Aaron Carter, Reba McEntire, Tom Petty, and Brian McKnight. Also, I'd like to announce that the CD will be on sale exclusively at McDonald's restaurants for $2.99 each. Isn't it great when stars and large corporations can pull together like this, raising money for a worthy cause in a manner that in no way advances their own interests? Let's hope we'll never go back to that pre-September 11th world of cynicism, self-interest, and cheap, non-benefit-related promotional gimmicks like Spy Kids collectible cups. So please, head down to your local McDonald's and purchase a CD -- and while you're there, why not enjoy a frosty Arctic Orange shake, for a limited time only at participating outlets?"