Mercury - The Highest "Hi, we're Lance Bass and Joey Fatone. You might know us as members of America's pre-eminent boy band, *NSYNC, but we're confident that, pretty soon, you'll also know us as sexy, charismatic movie stars. This week, our first movie, entitled On the Line, was released to multiplexes across North America. Sure, it was dissed by critics and failed to finish in the top ten at the box office, but that hasn't put a damper on our film aspirations. Sure, we're unattractive and untalented, but can you really say we're less attractive or talented than Steven Seagal? You can? Oh. Ouch."

Venus - Almost the Highest
"Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake, also of *NSYNC. Recently I announced that I will not be writing a novel, as planned. The official reason is that due to my busy schedule touring with the band, performing on talk shows and awards ceremonies with the band, toying with Michael Jackson's fickle affections with the band, and secretly taping myself nailing Britney Spears, I wouldn't have time to promote the book once it came out. Notice how this implies that, despite the demands on my time posed by all of the above, I would still have time to actually write the book -- I just couldn't shill it to Katie Couric or Larry King. You might go ahead and deduce the obvious -- that I was never going to write the book myself, and that I probably was never even going to read the book once some poor anonymous ghostwriter had crapped it out and let my publisher put my name on it, but that's ridiculous. I would have read it. Or if not read it, I would have had someone read it and write me a two-page summary. And then I would have maybe gotten one of the other guys in *NSYNC to read that summary to me. Hey, kids, reading rules! Stay in school!"

Earth - Very High
"Hi, we're Chris Kirkpatrick and JC Chasez. We're also in *NSYNC. We're usually at the back because we have really ugly hair and can't sing all that well. And if Justin had ever paid enough attention to us to ask us to read his hypothetical book, write a two-page summary of it, and then read that summary to him, it would have been the happiest day of our lives. All we ever wanted was Justin's love and approval. Is he going to see this? Tell him we think his new haircut is really cool."

Mars - High-ish
"Hello, I'm George Clooney, friend to the little guy. You might recall that, last year, I donated a considerable amount of money to a fund created to assist striking SAG members. Last week, I stood up for lesser-known SAG members again, criticizing the guild for expelling three actors who broke the strike and appeared in commercials; I pointed out that Elizabeth Hurley, Tiger Woods, and Shaquille O'Neal had done the same, but that they had just been fined (and Shaq didn't even get censured that much), since they are celebrities. Now Tom Bosley -- Mr. C.! -- and some other SAG member are saying that there were other circumstances that led to the ouster of the three members in question. Is that the story that people will remember? No. They will remember that the rugged, twinkly-eyed former Batman defended three unknown actors. And then they'll go see Ocean's 11 to see if I nail Julia Roberts. Don't fuck with Clooney, SAG. I will bury you!"

Jupiter - The Middle
"Hi, I'm Tom Welling. I'm the pretty, pretty, very pretty star of the WB's new series, Smallville, which two weeks ago boasted the highest ratings of any WB premiere in the network's history. Is it because fans of the Superman saga, played out in comic books, movies, and previous TV series, drew in viewers who would not otherwise turn to the WB? Is it due to our estrogen-heavy lead-in, Gilmore Girls, the audience for which might be more susceptible to the appeal of my sculpted cheekbones than the audience of, say, The Steve Harvey Show might be? Or is the real draw of Smallville the smoldering sexual tension between my Clark Kent and Michael Rosenbaum's Lex Luthor? Well, it's not for me to say. Um. 'Girlfriend.' [snap, snap]"

Saturn - A Bit Low
"Hello, I'm two-time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey. When I started making my new movie K-PAX, I thought it might be kind of fun to see exactly how little energy I could expend and still fool lazy critics into thinking I was acting my ass off. Apparently, all it takes is for me to speak one line in a made-up language and eat a banana -- peel and all -- to look like I was trying really hard. But the truth is that in several scenes that made the final cut, I'm actually asleep. Seriously. For God's sake, it's a movie about a guy from another planet. I didn't even read the whole script."

Uranus - Pretty Low
"Hi, I'm Sean Penn. It's possible that you know me as the director of thoughtful yet gritty films like The Crossing Guard and The Pledge. Or perhaps you enjoyed my Oscar-nominated work in slow-moving yet engrossing films like Dead Man Walking and Sweet and Lowdown. Unfortunately for me, it's most likely that you vaguely remember me as that guy who was married to Madonna for a little while and punched a couple of photographers. Yeah. That guy. Hi. Well, in an effort to demonstrate that I can and am eager to expose my work to a wider audience, I'll be appearing on several episodes of the TV ratings powerhouse Friends. It'll be Must...oh, come on. Do I really have to say this? You're still using this in your marketing, really? Okay, fine. It'll be 'Must See TV.' MAN. Have you guys made out my paycheque yet?"

Neptune - Almost As Low As You Can Get
"Hello, I'm Martin Scorsese. My upcoming movie, the historical drama Gangs of New York, was recently pulled from Miramax's December schedule -- exactly when the studios start rolling out their prime Oscar bait -- and bumped to spring 2002. I'm really not sure why. I tried to explain to the Weinsteins that because the movie takes place in the nineteenth century, there definitely aren't any shots of the Twin Towers in it that might offend viewers, but I guess they didn't get it."

Pluto - the lowest
"Hi, we're Ron Meyer and Stacey Snider, jointly named #1 on this year's Entertainment Weekly Power List. As President-COO of Universal Studios and Chairman of Universal Pictures (respectively), we're credited with coughing up such $100-million-grossing dreck as the Mummy movies, the American Pie movies, and The Grinch, and...hold up. All that garbage came from a single studio, and we're responsible?! We shouldn't be at the top of the Power List -- we should be drawn and quartered at high noon on Wilshire Boulevard! Or, worse, we should be held at gunpoint and forced to watch both Mummy movies, both American Pie movies, and The Grinch on an infinite loop until we're forced to scratch out our own eyes and then eat each other. Fortunately, success in Hollywood rarely correlates with quality. Speaking of which, did you see our boy Kevin Spacey in our great new movie K-PAX? Here's hoping we can add that to our $100 million club!"