Mercury - You the Man! "Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres. You may not have thought much of me lately, since everything you've probably heard isn't so great. You know, the CBS series that got completely retooled before its premiere. The sitcom that eventually resulted, jammed into a crappy Friday-at-8:30 time slot. The HBO documentary about my comedy tour that never materialized. And, uh, that autobiography my ex-girlfriend wrote, in which I didn't really come off so well. But I hope the job I did hosting the Emmy awards -- and not just any Emmy awards, but the ones that kept getting rescheduled, pushed back, denounced by its own nominees, even -- will remind you all why you used to enjoy my standup act back before I also took on the mantle of America's Non-Threatening Lesbian Gal Pal. I poked gentle fun at the show's repeated postponements and new security measures; I tweaked my own image as a prominent openly gay woman, and I steered clear of the kind of offensively overwrought histrionics that...well, when you get to Pluto, you'll see. Basically, I did everything right. On an unrelated note, please don't cancel my sitcom."

Venus - You the Right-Hand Man!
"Hi, I'm Walter Cronkite. I'm coming to you live from Toronto, Canada, to remind you that, by holding the Emmy awards show, we're not only honouring television's best -- we're honouring the very freedoms that make us great as a nation and as a people. Over the past few decades, in times of trouble and despair, our nation has turned to one source for comfort, entertainment, and inspiration: television. And in times of prosperity and contentment, our nation has also turned to one source: television. Hell, our nation has been watching television pretty much non-stop, an average of seven hours a day, since about 1955. So remember, tonight's show isn't about awards -- it's about the celebration of our right to mass catatonia. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy."

Earth - You the Left-Hand Man!
"Hi, I'm Will & Grace's Eric McCormack. Even though my work may not be as flashy as that of my co-star, Scenestealer McFlashypants...er, 'Sean Hayes,' it's heartening to know that I've finally nabbed a well-deserved Emmy. Hopefully, this will go a long way toward making me famous enough that I will no longer be continually introduced as 'Will & Grace's Eric McCormack,' even by my own parents. But my Emmy win on Sunday isn't the reason I find myself here on Earth -- after all, there were a lot of winners that night. No, it's the fact that I managed to mention both Canada and Toronto in my speech, and I was wearing a Canadian flag next to the requisite stars-and-stripes pin on my lapel. What, and you didn't think I'd show up in the Galaxy of Fame? Note to next year's Oscar presenters: the wearing of a visible Canadian flag on your person guarantees you at least a spot in the first four planets."

Mars - You the Left-Hand Man's Right-Hand Man!
"Hello, I'm Martin Sheen. I didn't win the Best Actor in a Dramatic Series Emmy for which I was nominated (although, unlike the guy who actually did, at least I bothered to show up), but it really doesn't matter. In fact, it would have been a little redundant for me to win the Emmy on top of my greater victory: my landslide victory in the race to be the President of Hollywood. That's right -- not only do I portray the President every American wishes they'd elected; I'm also the stern, scolding activist with even more impeccable lefty credentials than Warren Beatty. (Has he been arrested in any protests lately? Yeah. Thought so.) That's why The Sopranos never really had a shot of winning Best Drama Series against The West Wing; in our time of national crisis, did you really think voters would reward a show built around a mistress-nailing, small-time-crook-shooting, orange-juice-pulp-hating goomba over me? Me? Hollywood's spiritual leader? Not likely."

Jupiter - You the Man's Brother-in-Law!
"Hi, I'm Walter Cronkite. Okay, I was lying before -- I'm not in Toronto, Canada. I'm actually coming to you live from a bunker two hundred feet below the earth's surface. But never mind that -- I'm here to remind you, once again, that in our nation's darkest hour, we need awards shows now more than ever. Our President has urged Americans to return to our daily business -- and for all of us here tonight, that means parsing the qualitative differences between David Letterman, Barbra Streisand, and Will Ferrell to decide who gets the Emmy for Outstanding Performance in a Variety, Music, or Comedy Special. Unlike years past, tonight is not just an evening of industry-wide self-congratulation -- it's our patriotic duty as citizens. If we'd canceled the Emmys, we may as well have handed an Emmy to Osama Bin Laden for Best Performance by a Terrorist in Getting America to Cancel Things That It Holds Dear. Then we might as well have opened fire with a Kalishnikov assault rifle on a bus load of blind orphans before setting ourselves aflame. And we can't let that happen. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show -- not for yourself, but for the orphans."

Saturn - You the Man's Brother-in-Law's Next-Door Neighbour!
"Hello, I'm Mary Tyler Moore. I would like to take this opportunity to reach out to every Hollywood matron who's been thinking, 'It's about time for another facelift. What harm could just one more little facelift do?' Look at my fleshless mug -- if you dare. That's what harm it can do. I'm The Joker. I can't not grin. Help me."

Uranus - You the Guy Who Shines the Man's Shoes!t
"Hi, I'm Loring Mandel, awarded the Emmy for best screenwriting for a TV movie or mini-series; I wrote the HBO movie Conspiracy. And, certainly, I merited a mention in this Galaxy for crafting a taut, claustrophobic, deceptively simple yet actually complex story about the Nazis' Final Solution. Mostly, though, you see me here because my acceptance speech ran a little long, and because I'm not a glamorous Hollywood actor, the producers tried to cut me off in the middle by cuing the orchestra. And me? I just kept right the hell on talking. Oh, I didn't scamper about the stage like a crazed jackal the way Cuba Gooding Jr. did when he won his Oscar; I just kept on talking, calmly and steadily. Eventually, the orchestra stopped. And, when I was finished, so did I. Therefore, I am the greatest hero in award-show history."

Neptune - You the Guy Sitting Next to the Man While He Gets his Shoes Shined, Wondering If That's Actually the Man!
"Hi, I'm a computer-generated simulation of Walter Cronkite. The real Walter Cronkite is orbiting the earth in a radiation-proof escape pod. As we near the end of tonight's show, let's remember that, by holding the Emmys, we're not just honouring television's best: we're literally feeding starving children all around the world. That's right, folks -- each time an award is given out, aid workers will spoon another serving of rice into the mouth of a starving child. If someone from The West Wing wins, each child will get two spoonfuls. It's kind of like an Emmy drinking game, but with a humanitarian twist. So please, sit back, relax -- oh, itıs over. Never mind. Thanks for coming and enjoy the after-parties."

Pluto - You Everybody Else!
"Not so fast, computer-generated simulation of Walter Cronkite! The music swells, the camera pans up a wall covered in the names of those lost in the September 11th terrorist attacks, and at first all you hear is a disembodied voice until the figure turns, the camera zooms, and...yeah, that's right. It's me, Barbra Streisand. I know I won an award earlier in the evening but didn't appear onstage to collect it, leading you all to believe that I, James Brolin, and my manicurist were all securely ensconced in my fallout shelter in Malibu, and not risking bodily harm by actually showing up at the Emmys in person. And, no, I haven't forgotten my pledge never to perform in public again. But I couldn't possibly pass up an opportunity like this -- an opportunity to wrap the soothe the shattered spirits of the bereaved victims in the vast, warm, almost suffocating embrace of my own self-importance. No, no, don't applaud me. I'm no hero. I'm just a -- oh, all right. Yes. I am great. You're welcome."