Mercury - Follow Spot "Hullo, I'm Daniel Radcliffe. I'm the pocket-sized, John Lennon-looking British boy who's been charming you on talk shows 'round the dial. I am also the boy who landed one of the most hotly contested and aggressively campaigned-for roles for a bloke my age, beating out bigger names like Haley Joel Osment (who practically went to Sean 'Catwoman' Young lengths to convince Warner Bros. to cast him). It's all very exciting seeing my face on posters and magazines and the like right now, but I am very mindful that pride goeth before a career fall. This Potter gig is a good deal, and I know that if I hope to keep it, I can't engage in any activity that might put my face in jeopardy; I think all of us young-adult actors are still chilled by the cautionary tale that is Mark Hamill."

Venus - Stadium Lights
"Hi, I'm Chris Columbus, the luckiest man in the whole world. The critics seem unanimous in dismissing my films as pandering crapfests; my standard response -- that at least they all made a lot of money -- sort of got short-circuited by Bicentennial Man. Cramming all those horseshoes and shamrocks and pennies into my body cavity seems to have paid off, though, because I still managed to get the coveted job of directing the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. The critics didn't unanimously adore it, and it still handily surpassed all previous box-office records. Now maybe you have an idea why -- despite Mrs. Doubtfire, despite Nine Months -- you never see me in public without a giant, shit-eating grin plastered across my face."

Earth - Klieg Lights
"Hi, I'm Terry Gilliam. I'm sure you liked Chris's movie and everything, but I just wanted you to take a moment and imagine how much more fucked-up and great it would have been if I'd gotten the job. There. That's all. Stupid Warner Bros."

Mars - House Lights
"Hello, I'm Richard Harris. I play Bumbleflore...er, Crumblesnore...or, uh...fuck it. I'll be at the pub."

Jupiter - Flashlight
"Hi, I'm Robbie Coltrane. It might surprise you to learn that I am, actually, aware that I am a man of considerable dimensions. Okay, fine -- I'm a building. But I'm also a talented, hardworking, respected actor, and a veteran of all kinds of roles that have nothing to do with my size. And I do have feelings, you know. What do you think it does to my self-esteem when I get cast as a giant?! I'm just big-boned!"

Saturn - Penlight
"Hello, I'm Warwick Davis. Oh, great -- so is there any chance I could ever avoid typecasting? You want a little person, I'm your first call? There's more to me than a size-three shoe, Hollywood!"

Uranus - Itty Bitty Book Light
"Hi, I'm Fluffy. Oh, fine -- so I suppose just because I happen to be a three-headed dog, I have to play the villain? I was Marc Antony at university, but no one ever remembers that -- no, it's all, 'Hey, we need a huge, mutated canine to menace some witches in training. Fluffy?' There's more to me than two extra heads, dammit!"

Neptune - Bug Zapper
"Hi, I'm Emma Watson. It's no accident I'm waaaaaay the heck down here at the bottom of the Galaxy, you know. Perhaps you've caught wind of some of the protests that the Harry Potter books fail to advance an arse-kicking female role model? I never really put much stock into those naysayers until I got to the set and the only people with ovaries were me, Maggie Smith, Julie Walters (for about five minutes), and a very cranky wardrobe mistress. Yes, obviously, my character, Hermione, does have her moments, what with the showing up the lads in class and such, but really, all that's done is give her the reputation of a prissy teacher's pet. Let's just say I am starting to see where the book's detractors are coming from when they say there isn't much in it to empower young girls. Mind you, there is at least one girl who's plenty powerful, and it's all as a result of the Harry books."

Pluto - Candle
"Who, me? Just kidding -- you're absolutely right. Hullo, it's me, Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. I suppose I'm supposed to be very modest and self-deprecating about the phenomenal success of the book series that I famously came up with on a train platform, and which has vaulted me from being a single mother on the dole to being a millionaire about two hundred times over. Yes, I'm amazed at the book's success. Yes, I am pleased that nothing much ever came of that charge that I plagiarised a very similar book about a young witch named Larry Potter. Yes, I'm honoured to be loved by so many children (and adults) the world over. Yes, I am great. I mean, uh, 'grateful'! Yeah! Grateful for my Bentley, my private jet, my country estate, and the fact that millions of punters are literally hanging on my every word. Yes, all right, fine, I really meant to say 'I am great.' Now, don't bother me, or I'll sit on Harry Potter V until your grandchildren are in dentures and Depends."