Mercury - Frank Sinatra "Hi, I'm George Clooney. Well, my career seems to be going a little bit of all right. I'm the headline star in an all-star cast in Ocean's 11, and the film's a big hit. Entertainment Weekly just wrote an article about me, the gist of which is that I am great and kind and cool beyond belief. Really, I have no complaints. Well, just one: no reviewers seem to pick up on the gay subtext that I subtly worked into the film, in an effort to add some nuance and texture. I mean, did you see how I looked at Matt Damon in that subway car, before 'recruiting' him into my 'gang'? You know, right before I sat him down and firmly asked him, 'Are you in or are you out?' Get it? 'In' or 'out'? Then I introduced him to my mentor, the flaming Elliott Gould? Who ordered him to 'get' in the 'house' with the 'others'? I figured it was obvious! Though even I thought that Soderbergh went to far with those erupting fountains at the end -- I mean, that was just overkill."

Venus - Dean Martin
"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt. Hey, I was actually good in this movie! And no one punched me in the face! I can actually be good in a movie where no one punches me in the face! Sure, I was good in Seven and Fight Club and Snatch, but in those movies, people were punching me in the face! A lot! In all my other movies, people just want to punch me in the face! Especially people in the audience! Especially Meet Joe Black! But this movie: no punching, and still good! And I also got to wear cool sunglasses and be really handsome! Damn, I'm finally getting the hang of this."

Earth - Sammy Davis Jr.
"Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. I also 'star' in Ocean's 11 as Danny Ocean's ex-wife Tess, although by now I've said almost as many words as I get to say in the movie. Goodbye."

Mars - Angie Dickinson
"Hi, I'm Tom Cruise. You may have noticed that I was not in Ocean's 11. Why would someone make a movie with an all-star Hollywood cast and not include Tom Cruise? I can't answer that question. But I can say that I have my own movie out right now called Vanilla Sky, and it's like Jerry Maguire meets The Man Without A Face, and it's really good and please go see it, and here's my nipples on the cover of Vanity Fair to convince you, and Penélope Cruz, I love you! I really do love you, Penélope Cruz, my co-star from Vanilla Sky, opening this weekend. Though I didn't mean to pose naked on the cover of Vanity Fair. As I told reporters this week, it was because I had one beer. I had one beer and Herb Ritts tricked me. Maybe that's why they didn't ask me to be in Ocean's 11 -- they were afraid I would have one beer and go crazy on the set and take off my shirt and hurt people with my nipples. Also, Herb told me that the photos were for the cover of Manhole magazine. He tricked me! Damn you, Herb Ritts! Damn you, one beer!"

Jupiter - Peter Lawford
"Hi, I'm Casey Affleck. Come on, admit it -- when you saw Good Will Hunting, you thought I was just riding my brother's coattails, and that he was just riding Matt Damon's coattails. And now you think I'm the coolest Affleck, don't you? Okay, I know calling me 'the coolest Affleck' is like calling Frodo 'the tallest hobbit,' but still -- I'm the coolest. Affleck, that is. See, Ben, I told you."

Saturn - Joey Bishop
"Hi, I'm Bernie Mac. I was good in this movie too! And no one punched me in the face, either! Okay, normally no one needs to punch me in the face, but still -- I was good! I was funny! My line about 'Whitejack' was the movie's only real joke! And it was good! Watch my show on Fox!"

Uranus - Cesar Romero
"Hi! I Shaobo Qin! I play Yen, Chinese acrobat! Me no speak English so good! Me no understand! But me flip good! Me good Chinese flipper!*" [*Translation: "Hi, I'm Shaobo Qin. I hope you enjoyed my turn as Yen, the Chinese acrobat. I know the part was a bit stereotypical, what with me sitting around making a house of cards while wearing that satin jacket with the mandarin collar, but hey -- when else am I going to get to star in a movie with Brad Pitt? Unfortunately, all the parts as 'Screaming Chinese Guards' in Spy Game were already cast."]

Neptune - Buddy Lester
"Hi, I'm Barry Watson. You know, Barry Watson! I appear as myself in that poker scene at the beginning, with Josh Jackson and Topher Grace, who are also playing themselves. Isn't it a hoot when young superstars goof on their own images with self-parodying cameos? Whoever thought that a star like Barry Watson would be good-natured enough to totally spoof himself? I mean, once you've starred in Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, 7th Heaven and Teaching Mrs. Tingle, most actors wouldn't want to mess with that momentum. But I don't give a shit, man -- I want to show the public who the real Barry Watson is. Or at least, who Barry Watson is."

Pluto - Akim Tamiroff
"Hi, I'm Quentin Tarantino. You call this a heist movie? Where were the guns? Where was the swearing? Where was the part where the tall, lanky, nerdy guy calls everyone 'nigger'? This wasn't a movie! Now, my new film, Kill Bill -- that's a movie. Look for it in theatres sometime in 2002, 2003, or maybe 2007, or never. It's gonna be good. Oh, and I definitely picked up on the gay subtext in Ocean's 11. Here, let me tell you about it. Hey! Where are you going?"