Mercury - 1943-2001 "Hi, I'm George Harrison. Considering that I'd worked so hard, when I was alive, to lead as simple and spiritual a life as a member of the world's most famous band possibly could, it's more than a little ironic that the event of my death has attracted hundreds of magazine pages and hours of ET footage commenting on me. On top of that, there's all this talk swirling about the strange and intriguing circumstances surrounding my demise -- the remains that got lost in the mail or something on their way to India, the street address for the location where I died...that doesn't actually exist -- that only contributes to my mystique. So given that I never really courted this much attention during my life, it's unfortunate that I should win the strangest and most perverse popularity contest ever: Most Important Dead Celebrity, 2001."

Venus - 1979-2001
"Damn, and I was so close to getting it! Hi, I'm Aaliyah. Come on, didn't you think I'd get it, too? You know -- so young, advancing my new career with my role in Queen of the Damned, losing my life in such a senseless, preventable accident. Oh well -- if I can't win this particular title, I guess I'll take the next best thing: a lavish, heart-rending installment of Behind the Music."

Earth - 1925-2001
"Hi, I'm Jack Lemmon. I don't even rate, I guess. You know, I only had two Oscars and got eulogized in Entertainment Weekly by two other Oscar winners who happened to have co-starred with me, but, you know, whatever. Maybe if Matthau and I had died by jumping into a canyon, Butch-and-Sundance-style, our deaths would have had more impact, but that wuss just never would go for it, no matter how hard I tried to convince him."

Mars - 1924-2001
"Hi, I'm Carroll O'Connor. I guess my contribution to the cultural record is to make it acceptable for network TV to portray -- nay, to celebrate unrepentant bigots if it's all in the name of satire. I guess you have me to thank for Ken Titus, Rudy Boesch, Red Foreman, Bill O'Reilly and half the blowhards on the Fox News Network, Andy Sipowicz, and countless others. So, uh...sorry."

Jupiter - 1951-2001
"Hi, I'm Joey Ramone. I died as I lived: pasty, cranky, and wearing indecently tight jeans. I hope you think of me and smile when you hear 'Judy Is A Punk' in promos for The Royal Tenenbaums. I'm just glad I didn't live long enough to hear 'Blitzkreig Bop' in Jimmy Neutron."

Saturn - 1918-2001
"Hi, I'm Ray Walston. Like so many TV actors before me, I was a good and versatile actor whose whole career was unfortunately overshadowed by a single role. And it's not like I played Perry Mason or something -- I was a Martian. I might as well have been a genie or a witch or a talking horse. So regardless of all the great post-Martian work I did, most of you still couldn't stop thinking of me as Bill Bixby's uncle. And that's okay: I have no regrets. Well, just one: I regret that I lived long enough to see the My Favorite Martian movie. Augh."

Uranus - 1935-2001
"Hi, I'm Ken Kesey. I had a good run of it. I enjoyed everything the '60s had to offer. I got around the block. I had a lot of fun. And man, I took a lot of drugs. I may be gone, but it does my heart good to know that Keith Richards is still around to carry on my legacy."

Neptune - 1912-2001
"Hi, I'm Foster Brooks. If my name doesn't ring a bell, here's a clue as to my identity: remember those TV spots that used to run a few years ago for a set of videos featuring some old dude in a tuxedo doing a stand-up act pretending to be drunk? Or maybe, as you may have suspected at the time, 'pretending' to be drunk? That was me. If you heard about my death, just before Christmas, you may have been surprised to learn that I hadn't died several years ago. But I didn't. I made it into the twenty-first century. Take that, Joey Bishop!"

Pluto - 1903-????
"Hi, I'm still Bob Hope. At this point, I don't have all that much to live for other than to screw over those of you disrespectful pukes who keep picking me in your Dead Pools. Suckers! I'm going to live forever!"