Mercury - Fresh, Hot Popcorn Dripping With Melted Butter "Hi, I'm Britney Spears, America's most beloved virgin! That's right, I'm still a virgin -- emphasis on the 'urge.' Because even though my perfect boyfriend's mansion is, like, right next to mine, and I really want to marry Justin, and it's so hard to wait, and we did that coy act on SNL where we pretended we did It in our hotel, I. Am. Still. Not. Having. Sex. But don't be confused when you see me, uh, 'riding shotgun' in my new road-trip flick Crossroads -- it's just a harmless movie about girls finding themselves through debauchery and sexual permissiveness. And I get laid. But it's dry humping! Please don't think any less of me. Although, it doesn't really matter -- the world is already pretty much my Pepsi machine. I'm so beloved, I get to appear as myself in the third Austin Powers movie. Me! I don't even need a character name, unlike certain other singers appearing in that film. So really, Crossroads could tank like my new Pepsi commercial, and I'll still be on top. Me! More me! Because I'm Britney, I don't put out and I've still got Justin, and above all else, I've never worn my hair in an afro."

Venus - Hot, Barely Buttered Popcorn
"Hi, I'm Aaliyah, our modern-day Buddy Holly. I'm the real-life Queen of the Damned, and my film of the same name will be my crowning moment of cult success. My destiny is to be the first dead star to have a hit album and a hit movie at the same time. But even if critics hate the movie, all they can do about it is bemoan the tragic loss of someone with such potential. In your face, J.Lo! Dust yourself off and try again, sweetheart. I'm so hot, I could've even made The Cell a hit movie. Seriously, though, this one goes out to all my fans: I'm relying on you guys to bid on the completed scenes from The Matrix Reloaded when they show up on eBay, because rumor has it that whenever an eBay auction yields more than five thousand dollars, an angel gets its wings."

Earth - Warm Microwave Popcorn in a Tupperware Bowl
"Hi, I'm Mandy Moore. Before the premiere of my movie, A Walk To Remember, I was just another in the long line of deeply mediocre bubblegum-blonde ingénues panting and singing about lust, while swearing on the sweet baby Jesus that I'm actually very chaste. But I realized it was out of control when even I couldn't remember if I was me or Jessica Simpson. So I went from cookie-cutter blonde to a dark, mousy brown, sheared myself some bangs, and put myself in a touching romantic drama opposite current 'It' boy Shane West. It worked! A Walk To Remember was my first starring role and it made $23 million in its first two weeks of release. They're even using my music video as a preview instead of showing scenes from the actual film -- in which I play a character very close to my heart, in that she's an avowed and wholesome virgin. The only hitch is, now I can't tell myself apart from Shane. I'll probably have to go red next."

Mars - Tepid Salt-Free Cardboard, also known as "Air-Popped Popcorn"
"Hi, I'm Beyoncé Knowles. It's a relief that I finally elbowed aside...er, I mean, 'amicably split with' those other two losers from Destiny's Child, because I'm sick of hearing that fashion maven Mr. Blackwell called us 'a trilogy of taste-free terror.' It was so totally their fault! They just don't know how to wear my mother's extremely insightful clothing designs. But as a free, independent woman -- throw your hands up at me, mamas! -- I can finally own the spotlight instead of having to shove my way in between my two deadweights...uh, 'bandmates.' I can embrace my future as the new Jennifer Lopez, which starts with my much-publicized Foxy Brown-style role in the third Austin Powers movie. Everyone's buzzing about it, although mostly because there's a petition out there protesting the idea of me sharing the screen with Mike Myers. I see what they mean, too -- I mean, if I wanted to split the limelight with people who are uglier than I am, I'd have stayed with Destiny's Child."

Jupiter - Popcorn with a Chilly and Congealing Liquid Butter-Substitute
"Hello, I'm Jennifer Judd. No, just kidding! As if. I could never adopt the name of that fool -- what's his name? The one I married? Whatever, I just call him 'cabana boy' -- because, for one thing, J.Ju sounds more like a warped martial art than the name of an international songstress and screen siren with killer wardrobe and an ass like Thanksgiving. In case you haven't read...well, anything in the past several months, I'm so very happy. Marriage is a gift. It's such a nice change, being with a spotlight-free man whose sole purpose is to stand behind me and wriggle. Back when I was with Puffy, it was 'gangsta' this, 'gun' that, and it was really starting to overshadow my promising crossover career. Remember when I had the #1 album and the #1 movie at the same time? Yeah, neither do I, because (a) I'm not dead, and (b) Puffy was too busy in court, and sending me birds and rose petals. Gross. I'm much happier with Cabana Boy and his reedy facial hair, even though all I've done since dumping Puffy is Angel Eyes with that loser Jim Caviezel, who wouldn't take off his clothes for the sex scene because he loves his wife so much. Excuse me? Has he seen me? He'll regret that decision the next time I give Cabana Boy a customized Jaguar, and my movie and my album are both on top of the world. Which, at my current pace, will happen...well, at least sometime this decade. Probably."

Saturn - Stale Day-Old Popcorn Stuck In Your Teeth
"G'day, I'm Kylie Minogue, the latest in a trendy line of adorable Australians (collect us all!) who are riding each others' coattails. You probably thought you'd never see me again after the mid-1980s, when I remade and slayed 'Locomotion,' but if you can believe it, I've come up with a new song -- 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' -- that's even more annoyingly catchy. And Baz Lurhmann thinks I'm so perfectly sprightly and wee that when he ran into me after wrapping Moulin Rouge, he decided to shoot a new scene just so I could play the Green Fairy. So I'm pretty much set for film stardom -- I mean, after being the second-prettiest person on Neighbours behind Guy Pearce, every other role should be cake."

Uranus - Sticky Popcorn Crushed Into the Theater Carpet By an Unruly, Half-Naked Brat Running Up and Down the Aisles, Crying At a Violent R-rated Movie
"Hi, I'm Mariah Carey. But you can call me The Phoenix, since I'm rising from the ashes of Glitter, the most enormous music-and-movie flop since Spice World. The whole thing really made me quite tired, but I took a long nap in a private non-rehab non-hospital, and I'm back to being two-thirds of my talented self. It was a bit embarrassing singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, because it exposed the fact that my singing voice is more or less ruined. Pamela Anderson could hold a Calculus workshop longer than I can hold a high note. That's why I filmed Wise Girls right after Glitter -- so that when EMI paid me off and kicked me out, and Glitter made me look less appealing than radioactive waste matter, I could seek refuge at Sundance and pretend to be friends with my Oscar-winning co-star Mira Sorvino. Because, see, if she has an Oscar, then all her movies and co-stars are automatically great. Yay! I win! Wait -- who's back there laughing?"

Neptune - Unpopped Kernels
"Hi, we're the Spice Girls. Our first and last movie, Spice World, did exactly nothing for our acting careers. But we made girl-powerful relationships! We're the best of friends! Except for that slut Ginger. If she wasn't secretly thirty-six, maybe we'd have gotten somewhere...Wait, where are you going? We're cute! We're sporty and posh! We're...oh, hell, who are we kidding? Spice World stank. Say 'bollocks' to it. We couldn't even get a Tampax commercial out of it. Move along! Nothing to see here."

Pluto - Still in the Husk
"Hi, I'm Christina Aguilera. Where am I? Seriously, does anyone know where I went? Because I can't figure out how I became irrelevant, especially since I was just in that 'Lady Marmalade' tramp-fest. My millions of movie offers are somehow not getting to me, and I can't figure out why. Is the internet broken? What the hell is up with this? Seriously -- I'm a size zero, I'm a tart, and I'm way more up for it than Britney is. I'm not sure what more you people want from me. Should I not have shamed my grandmother into calling me a tramp? Or was it the Afro?"