Mercury - Vintage Givenchy "Hello, I'm Russell Crowe. Well, I'd just like to thank the Academy and say that, even though I won last year and probably should have won the year before and probably could win every year from here on out as long as they keep giving me Oscar-gimme showcase roles in which I get to age fifty years and act all nuts and stuff, that winning this year's Oscar means as much to me as winning for the first -- what? I haven't won yet? I have to wait until March 24th? Right. Okay, well, I guess you'll hear the rest of this speech in a month. And I'll try to act a little more chipper this year when I win. Maybe you can let me give Ron Howard a wedgie right before I go onstage -- that always cheers me up."

Venus - Classic Armani
"Hi, I'm Sissy Spacek. Hey, look at me -- an actress who can come out of seclusion and deliver a knockout performance, sweep the year-end awards, do talk-show interviews that are actually charming and engaging, and generally put the lie to the idea that, in order to be a working actress, you have to show up in the pages of InStyle every other month. I look forward to seeing all of you from the podium on March 24th, and for those young actresses who are interested, I'll be holding a seminar on March 23rd called 'Living A Life of Quiet Dignity.' Charlize Theron, your spot in the front row has already been reserved."

Earth - Daring Galliano
"Hello, Ethan Hawke here. What? No, I was just sleeping. Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh yeah, right. Very funny. That's a real howler. You woke me up for that? Look, I saw Training Day, too, and a paycheck's a paycheck, but -- what? Look, this isn't amusing anymore, okay. It wasn't amusing two years ago when you called about Snow Falling on Cedars, and it isn't amusing now. Okay. Right. I'm turning on the TV. HOLY SHIT! Instead of Hackman! UMA! WAKE UP! NO, I'M SERIOUS!"

Mars - Off-the-Rack Gucci
"Hi, I'm Gene Hackman. Now, I've already won a pair of Oscars, and I don't need a back-pat from a club full of geriatric retirees with itchy fingers on the fast-forward button to give me a little career affirmation at this point in my life. My bust in the Hollywood Hall of Fame has long since been buffed, polished, and readied for display. So, really, I could care less about being the year's most notable Oscar snub. But if I have to sit home in my bathrobe with a Dewar's in my hand and watch Ethan Frickin' Hawke take that statue, so help me God I will put a slippered foot right through that TV. Yeah, that's right. You heard me, Coltrane."

Jupiter - Tacky Versace
"Hello, I'm Renée Zellweger. Um, I'm really happy about being nominated and all -- I really am. But, um, I have one small request. I know that it's customary to show clips of each actress in their nominated role during the Oscar telecast, but I was just wondering if we could skip that part for me. I think everyone saw Bridget Jones's Diary, and, specifically, saw me in the film, and how big and fat I was, and I really would rather that people didn't have to see me so big and fat again -- you know, after I took all that trouble to lose that horrifying twenty pounds and sculpt myself back into RenéeBot 2002. So maybe you could just show a few clips from Nurse Betty or something? That would be great. Thanks."

Saturn - Banana Republic, Marked Down
"Hi, I'm Will Smith. To all those haters out there: Look at me! Best Actor nominee! All y'all who called this back when I was jumping around in painter pants on the set of the video for 'Parents Just Don't Understand,' raise your hands. Yeah, that's what I thought. Now all y'all who called this when I was riding Carlton's ass on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, raise your hands. Yeah, that's what I'm talking 'bout. Now all y'all who called this after you saw Wild, Wild West, raise your hands. Okay, not a fair question, since most of those twelve people are either in hiding or have been institutionalized. But all y'all who called this right after you finished seeing Ali, raise your hands. Yeah, I thought not. Whoa -- wait a second."

Uranus - Old Navy Warehouse Sale
"Hi, I'm Marisa Tomei. In your face, Hollywood! Who's laughing about the 'Oscar Curse' now? Oh, so the presenter made a mistake, huh? Read the wrong winner off the teleprompter, huh? Marisa Tomei winning an Oscar was a horrible error, huh? Oh, you thought I was gone. You thought my career was over, doing Untamed Heart and The Perez Family and that Broadway play with Quentin Tarantino. I was just lying in wait to get my last laugh, and here it is: HA! HA HA! And when Mira Sorvino gets nominated next year, I'm going to laugh even harder."

Neptune - K-Mart -- Everything Must Go!
"Hi, I'm Baz Luhrmann. I know that every year there are films that get nominated for Best Picture while the director, strangely, gets jacked and left with nothing. But really -- if you're nominating Moulin Rouge! for Best Picture, but you're not going to honor the direction, then what the hell did you like about the damn thing? Kidman's singing voice? Ewan's haircut? I mean, that movie screamed 'Baz Luhrman!' from the crazy opening titles to the final fade to black! What do you think -- that it was the script that carried the film? Are you saying that Brett Ratner could have helmed this puppy? People, come on -- I know you wanted to throw David Lynch a bone, but why not bump Opie from the damned category -- not me, the Bazmanian Devil!"

Pluto - That Thing Kim Basinger Designed for Herself
"Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, you forgot about me, didn't you? Hoping you'd get Steve Martin every year, weren't you? Well, guess what -- the Oscar telecast can only be tasteful, understated, and actually funny every other year. In between, it's all about the Whoopster. Opening up a can of extra-unfunny Whoopi ass on your...er, ass. At least this year you won't have to worry about laughing so hard you spill Pepsi on your couch. In fact, you won't have to worry about laughing, period. See you in March!"