Mercury - Number one with a bullet "Hi, I'm Bono. Well, it looks like once again U2 auditioned for the part of Greatest Band in the World, and once again, we got the part. Of course, you didn't hear me crowing about it as much this year, because beating out Radiohead and Beck is somewhat more impressive than beating out Train and Linkin Park. And please, don't ask me to explain the Grammy eligibility rules that let us win awards for 'Beautiful Day' last year, yet still nab a bag of awards for the same album this year. I don't get it either. But they keep inviting us, so we keep showing up. See you next year!"

Venus - The catchiest song of the summer
"Hi, I'm Alicia Keys. I am just overwhelmed by y'all. Just overwhelmed. Do you see how humble I am? I know that my humility comes off a bit like a grade ten drama student playing 'humble' in an improv game, but hey, what can I say? The real star here isn't me, or the music, or the transparent piano, or Joaquin Cortez, the King of Flamenco -- it's my eyelids. Check these out! They're spangly and shiny and sequined -- they're the Official Alicia Keys MerLids! Unfortunately, they also weigh three and a half pounds each, which is why I couldn't fully open my eyes at any time during the show. Well, part of the reason, anyway."

Earth - Solid top ten hit
"Hi, we're The Strokes. If you happened to read the year-end critics' lists from such underground publications as Time or Rolling Stone, you might have seen our name mentioned. We had the most critically praised album of last year, and we were pretty much the most talked about band of the year. So it stands to reason that we were nowhere in sight at the Grammys. Thanks to those dang eligibility rules, you won't see us until next year's Grammys, at which point you'll either (a) be listening to our new, ineligible follow-up album or (b) have forgotten about us altogether. Either way, we'll probably lose to U2. Or Steely Dan. It's that kind of forward thinking that has given the Grammys its well-earned reputation as the cutting-edge leader in musical awards shows."

Mars - Number 18 -- and rising!
"Hi, I'm Jon Stewart. I was the host of the show. To my legions of fans out there, I'll just say: Sorry. I know it was a pretty mediocre effort, but what can I tell you? You puts your fate in the hands of Jimmy Kimmel, you pays the price. And even more painful, I wasn't allowed to make even one joke about Alan Jackson's creepy September 11th song -- exactly the kind of treacly nonsense that we regularly shred to ribbons on The Daily Show. Hey, if you thought it was painful to watch me introduce it, imagine how painful it was to have to sit through it. Oh wait, you had to do that, too. But at least you could change the channel to Law & Order."

Jupiter - Stuck at number 23
"Hi, I'm that lead singer from Train. Don't bother learning my name -- we'll be long forgotten by this time next year. In fact, when we won our Grammy, my first thought was, I didn't know that they'd instituted a category for Best One-Hit Wonder! But I'll leave you with this amusing equation: If Dylan McDermott and Jakob Dylan got married and had a son, and he grew up to star on a soap opera -- well, that would be me. Tell me, do you wish -- okay, I've taken up enough of your time."

Saturn - On its way back down the charts
"Hi, I'm Billy Joel. Some of you may have been alarmed when you first saw me, but let me assure you, I'm currently in preparation to star as Rory B. Bellows, a.k.a. Krusty the Klown's makeup-free persona, in a new live-action Broadway version of The Simpsons. So that explains that. Thank you."

Uranus - Mired at 32
"Hi, I'm Michael Greene, president of NARAS. Before we continue with this cavalcade of musical magic, I'd like to speak at length about the grave danger posed by online musical piracy. Okay, people, let's listen. Okay -- put on your listening ears, people. The hand is up, mouths are shut. All right. Thank you. Now, online piracy is a life-or-death issue, which literally takes the food from the mouths of struggling musicians, covers it in poison, and then puts it back in the mouths of other struggling musicians, killing them dead. To prove this, we took three very embarrassed college students, hooked them up with some 'computers,' got them wired to the 'internet,' got them on the onramp to the 'info superhighway,' and asked them to steal as many songs as they could in three days. And they stole -- people! Listen up! I can wait all night! I've got all night, people! Settle! Ja Rule -- I see you sitting there! Hands to yourself! Your side of the armrest. That's right. Okay, where was I? Oh yes. These kids stole six thousand songs! Now multiply that by millions of teens out there hooked up to 'computers,' and that's over six thousand million songs stolen every day, which equates to several dozen young singer-songwriters tragically poisoned. Every day. So please, think about -- okay, Justin. That's it. I will see you after the Grammys. My office, young man. You mess with the bull, you get the horns. And you're next, Mr. Fatone."

Neptune - Never cracked the top 40
"Hi, I'm Sarah Hughes. Thanks to my surprise gold medal win in Salt Lake City, I got to appear at the Grammys. Cool! I mean, it was a bit weird that my dressing room door still said 'Michelle Kwan' on it, but still."

Pluto - Didn't chart
"Hi, we're Axl Rose and Slash. We're just here to remind you how much more fun the Grammys used to be when drunken metalheads like us actually got to be on the show and accept awards! Sure, you sneered at us then, America, as we stumbled to the stage and knocked over the mic stand and gave you the finger and mumbled 'Fuck off!', but you miss us now, don't you? No one's about to stir shit up on these Grammys. Even the rappers are just stoned and giggly. And they don't even give the metal awards out on TV anymore! We're stuck with the Best World Music and Best Latin Jazz Ensemble and all that! Well, fuck that! No wonder the show fucking sucks! Michael Greene, kiss our ass! Fuck you, Grammys! What? Oh, we're sorry, we have to go back to our rooms now. It's time for our after-dinner medication."