Mercury - Five-alarm blaze "Hi, I'm Marisa Tomei. After I won Best Supporting Actress for My Cousin Vinny, I sure never thought I'd even be nominated for anything else ever again -- much less win. And don't think I haven't heard all those mean rumours that I didn't really win the first one -- because I did, and it really hurt! That's why it was so cool when I won another Best Supporting Actress Oscar for In The Bedroom: it legitimized my first Oscar and convinced casting directors that 'Academy Award Winner Marisa Tomei' wasn't the universe's cruel joke on me. Unfortunately, legitimizing my first Best Supporting Actress Oscar meant that the Best Supporting Actress curse finally caught up with me: after my sitcom failed and I got fired from playing a judge on The Practice, I've ended up...hosting the Oscars. But I can't complain. I'm still twice the Best Supporting Actress Mira Sorvino is; no one can take that away from me."

Venus - Two-alarm blaze
"Hello, I'm David Lynch. It was really wonderful to win the Best Director Oscar for Mullholland Drive, a movie born out of a TV pilot judged too weird and incomprehensible to be a series. I know you think that giving me this award convinced me that you all understood what the hell I was doing in MulHolland Drive. But I know better. Getting this award just convinced me that the best and only way for me to be fulfilled as an artist was to create movies so serpentine and incomprehensible that no normal person would ever want to watch them. That's why I've left Hollywood behind to direct snuff films full-time in my basement. So I want to thank the Academy for allowing me to find my true path."

Earth - Car on fire
"Hi, I'm Renée Zellweger. Y'all, it was such a thrill for me to win the Academy Award for Bridget Jones's Diary. You all know what a big freaking deal I made out of the twenty pounds I gained for the part, right? I couldn't shut up about it. I made it out like I couldn't stand the way I looked twenty pounds heavier and how I couldn't wait to get it off. Right? Yeah, well, when I was standing there on the podium at the Kodak Theatre, all skinny and sunken-cheeked and all, I realized something: I looked a hell of a lot better as Bridget. So I decided right then and there to put on thirty pounds, star in the Bridget sequel, and keep the curves. And I've never been happier. Hey, Lara Flynn Boyle, aren't you curious about what you might look like with tits again? It's called butter. Look into it."

Mars - Grease fire on a stove top
"Hi, I'm Diane Warren. I was shocked to win a Best Original Song Oscar for 'There You'll Be,' from Pearl Harbor. For one thing...it's me. Diane Warren. Patron saint of hack songwriters the world over. For another...it's Pearl Harbor. You know, one of the five movies nominated for Worst Picture at the 2001 Razzie Awards? That I could beat out actual songwriters, who'd written actual music, with my dark magic, made me ashamed and penitent. That's why I've dropped out of society and joined a convent in El Salvador. No, no: keep that guitar away from me. I'm not that kind of nun."

Jupiter - Burning candle
"Hi, we're Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson. You ignored Gene Hackman's and Gwyneth Paltrow's performances. You weren't impressed by the art direction and costume design. You almost snubbed The Royal Tenenbaums entirely, even though it was clearly the best movie of the year. But you gave us an Oscar for the script! You recognized the backbone of genius that kept the film erect -- the story that we wrote! You actually recognized quality, and rewarded it accordingly! You gave us cred so that we could go on making even more great movies! You...you know we have nothing to do with Russell Crowe and Ron Howard, right?"

Saturn - Burning match
"Hi, we're Daniel Clowes and Terry Zwigoff. And if you think Wes and Owen were shocked that they got an Oscar for their script, imagine how we felt, scooping it out from under presumed winner Akiva Goldsman, who wrote the script for A Beautiful Mind! Goldsman makes a big, stupid Oscar movie about Big Issues and with a Giant Star and gets nothing. We make a tiny, smart movie that is basically plot-free and kind of a downer, and somehow we get this award? And open the door for more movies based on great graphic novels, instead of another installment of the Batman franchise from Joel Schumacher?! Are you sure we're not at the Independent Spirit Awards, here?"

Uranus - Sparks
"Hello, I'm Jon Voight. I was most honoured to win an award for portraying Howard Cosell -- and in the same year I'd also portrayed Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The acclaim has helped me to land roles portraying other historical characters on screen since then, including Nikita Khrushchev, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Joe DiMaggio, Audie Murphy, Joe Namath, George Washington Carver, and Che Guevara. Watch out for me next year in the title role of Merman! My number from Gypsy's going to bring the house down."

Neptune - Smoke
"Hi, I'm Randy Newman. Wait, what am I doing in the 'What If They Win?' Galaxy of Fame? Everyone knows I'm the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. I've got no shot, dude."

Pluto - Fire extinguisher
"Hi, I'm Russell Crowe. I hate that berk Tom Hanks! I never wanted to win back-to-back Oscars! Weren't you paying attention when I kept trying to sabotage my chances? I physically assaulted a producer at the BAFTAs -- and still you couldn't wait to shower me with the SAG Award and the Oscar? What would I have had to do to lose this award -- sodomize Whoopi Goldberg onstage at the ceremony while drinking a baby's blood and downloading music from Morpheus? For the love of God, how can I keep up my pretense of being a Hollywood outsider with my two Oscars? You forced me to give up the dream. Which is why you'll soon see me starring opposite Jon Voight in Merman!. I give up. But this is shithouse."