Mercury - The lights at the Kodak "Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, a.k.a. The Incredible Vanishing Host. Yes, they finally found a way to make me funny -- whittle my total screen time down to about eight minutes. Okay, I guess that doesn't count as actually being funny, but it certainly means there was less of me being not funny, so in the end it's all good. Strange to think that they assembled Hollywood's best comedy writing talent (oh, and Bruce Vilanch was also invited), and the best they could come up with was me entering on a swing and a couple of bits about John Ashcroft and Anna Nicole Smith. What, no O.J. jokes? But in all, I thought I did a great job. Granted, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson got more laughs in thirty seconds than I got all night -- hell, Benicio Del Toro got more laughs than I got all night. And, granted, I could have ferried things along a little more briskly -- sixteen hours is a bit lengthy, even for the Oscars -- if I'd skipped the cliquey, off-the-cuff editorializing about who I was really glad had won. ("Don't know who that Jim Broadbent is, but don't Randy Newman look adorable!") And granted, thirteen couches are now tragically unupholstered so that I could wear a different velvet muumuu after each commercial break. Look, when it comes to me hosting the Oscars -- well, child, I don't really get it either, but as long as they keep inviting me, what am I going to do -- say no?"

Venus - The lamp under which John Travolta was sitting until seconds before he stepped onstage
"Boo hoo hoo! Boo, hoo, wah! I...I...boo hoo...I...wah...hello, I'm Halle Berry. I...wah...I know that, the way I'm sobbing uncontrollably, someone who'd tuned in just this second might be forgiven for thinking that I'd just been kicked in the gut, not awarded an Oscar. I realize that most of you were probably pleased, at first, finally to see at least one Oscar winner who was surprised and overwhelmed and...okay, totally losing her shit. I know I crossed the line so that it stopped being sweet and endearing and started being kind of creepy and disturbing. For that, I apologize. But you know, I did accomplish a task many thought impossible -- oh, not being an African-American actress with a Best Actress Oscar; Angela Bassett would have done that eventually. No, I mean making Julia Roberts's acceptance speech last yaer seem charming by comparison. Also, I know I remembered to thankmy manager, agent, and lawyers, but there are actually a few members of my entourage that I forgot to thank: my accountant, my publicist, my personal assistant, my manicurist, my cleaning lady, my dentist, that guy who snaked my drains last week, my gardener, and that lady I hit with my car that time...oops! Wait, not her. Hee hee. Hee hee heh hoo hoo hoo!"

Earth - Russell Crowe's temper
"Hi, I'm Denzel Washington. Well, it's hard to imagine that anyone was disappointed that I finally won, especially after my super-classy speech. Okay, maybe it's easy to imagine one person who was disappointed. But all I can say to Russell Crowe is, 'I kicked your ass in Virtuosity, and I kicked it again last night.'"

Mars - Tom Cruise's forehead
"Hi, I'm Russell Crowe. You might imagine I was disappointed at being snubbed for Best Actor, but what do I care? At my current pace, I should still end my career with about 42 nominations and 11 Oscars. And unlike Tom Hanks, I don't intend on getting puffy and producing self-righteous war dramas. I intend on getting puffy and tearing off ladies' underpants with my teeth, often before I've met them. So if you think I'll take this year's loss as a chastisement and clean up my act, well, you've got another thing coming. What's the point of being a famous actor if you can't tackle challenging roles, create memorable and moving performances, and also bitch-slap your underlings at will? Sure, I could tone it down, but I'd rather live my life with integrity, thank you very much."

Jupiter - Jodie Foster's sparkly get-up
"Hi, I'm Will Smith. So that'll teach the Academy to nominate my ass for something: I was plastered all over the telecast -- in the pre-show, in the montage of New York movie moments, reading out David Mamet's comments as I presented some technical award, in the film tribute to Sidney Poitier, in the audience while Poitier accepted his honorary Oscar (since apparently only African-American attendees had a reaction to his comments). You couldn't turn around at the Kodak without bumping into me and spilling my drink. And then the time came to present the award for which I was actually nominated -- Best Actor -- and I was nowhere to be found! They had to show a still photo of me like I was that no-showing pussy Sean Penn. So, aren't you curious about what happened to me? Did I go to the can? Step out for a smoke with some of those Hobbits? Go watch a Fresh Prince rerun on the TV in the limo? Oh, my, no: I was so overcome with hilarity at Whoopi Goldberg's brilliant zingers that I required immediate medical attention. That's right: Whoopi was so funny that my sides literally split."

Saturn - Ian McKellen's boyfriend
"Hi, I'm Sidney Poitier. I was certainly pleased to be honored for my long and distinguished career, and I did myself proud with an eloquent and moving address. And I was pleased to see two African-Americans take home the top acting awards. In fact, I was really beginning to believe that African-Americans were making some headway in Hollywood. But people, don't you realize that by having Faith Hill sing a love song by Diane Warren, you created a sucking vortex of whiteness so powerful that you've endangered everything I've worked so hard for? Really -- I've seen more soul at a Cub Scout Jamboree. I've seen more soul at the Betty Crocker Marshmallow-based-Desserts Bake-Off in Billings, Montana. I've seen more soul in a very special episode of Full House, guest starring Marie Osmond, Lisa Whelchel, and G. Gordon Liddy."

Uranus - Whoopi Goldberg's sparkly get-up
"Hi, we're Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. If you enjoyed the short film we made to introduce the nominees in the costume design category, you may want to check out our movie Zoolander, despite what Roger Ebert may have advised last September. And by the way, we're not just Oscar presenters: we're viewers, too. So for the three solid minutes of belly laughs we gave you in our short film: you're welcome. And, hey, Laura Ziskin? If you'd actually like to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the Academy Awards next year with a pair of hosts who are conversant with the notion of 'humour,' call our people. There's still time for us to save the date."

Neptune - Randy Newman's jacket
"Hi, I'm Ron Howard. Well, gosh -- I'm not a good enough actor to pretend that I haven't imagined this moment all my life, standing up here holding the highest achievement my profession can bestow. I'm also not a good enough actor to pretend that I haven't imagined taking this golden statue that I've worked so hard for and using it to beat down every critic who ever called me 'Opie' in a review, or made fun of my boyish looks or the fact that I'm bald and have to wear a hat all the time. And I can't pretend that I haven't, at times, imagined that, instead of beating them, I'll jam this statue up their asses. Sometimes, I imagine jamming it up their asses, and then beating them with it, so that as I beat them with it it's soiled with their own excrement. Or sometimes I imagine sneaking into their bedroom while they're sleeping, and then waking them up and threatening to jam this statue up their asses, and while they whimper and cry and beg for mercy I scream, 'Who's the Fonz now, bitch!' Then I imagine that I turn around like I'm about to leave, but when they start to get all relieved I spin around and then I beat them with this statue. I'm not a good enough actor to pretend I haven't imagined all those things. But tonight, I'm just going to savor this win."

Pluto - Jennifer Connelly's dress
"Hi, I'm Randy Newman. I was actually out in the parking lot packing the trunk of my car when I got the news that I'd won -- what, you thought I thought I had a chance? And to think I banged out that song in fifteen minutes while talking on the cordless phone and finishing a particularly pesky crossword puzzle. Oh, and for you trivia buffs -- you might want to note that John Goodman and I easily won the annual Best Song Nominee Tag Team Sumo Faceoff, which was held at a local gym on Saturday afternoon. Although Sting and Trudie Styler did put up a good fight. Still, we took the trophy -- and the Oscar to boot! What a year!"