Mercury - The Top "Hello, I'm Barbra Streisand. Obviously, I have always known that I am great, but to be given this honorary Oscar while still in the blush of youth -- several years shy of my fiftieth birthday, though I'm told I don't look a day over thirty-five! -- is so overwhelming that I don't quite know what to say. Thank you all for recognizing my unique gifts, and for acknowledging the immense debt Hollywood owes me. I...what? What the hell do you mean, the award isn't for me? Do you honestly think I would have shown up if I'd thought all I was doing was handing it off to some other son of a bitch? Who the fuck is this going to? REDFORD?! Jesus. GOODBYE. No, you get away from me, Ziskin, or I will scratch your eyes clean out of your head."

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Robert Redford. Thank you, Barbra, for that eloquent introduction, and thank you to the Academy for this award. I'm very touched, particularly since I know that my receiving it is, in part, due to my work in expanding the world of independent film by founding the Sundance Festival. Now that the Oscars have returned to Hollywood, and as the Academy approaches its seventy-fifth anniversary, I do hope that all of us in the industry will remember the importance of supporting and promoting filmmaking that takes risks and challenges its audience, and...oh, I see I'm out of time. And I certainly wouldn't want to cut short any of the pageantry surrounding the Best Director and Best Picture wins for A Beautiful Mind. I would tell you to forget everything I just said about risk-taking independent films, but I know you already have."

Earth - Inner Circle
"Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. I beg your pardon: I seem to have accidentally gotten dressed, left my home, climbed into a limousine, walked the red carpet, spoken with several reporters, sat through two or three hours of the ceremony, taken my place backstage, and then come out to present the screenplay awards, all without noticing until I saw my image in the monitor that I have completely forgotten to put on my underwear today! Don't you hate when you do that? My mom is just never going to let me live this down. It's like I can already hear her nagging me to stand up straight, and then on top of my shitty makeup job, childish hairdo, and horrendous posture, there are my boobs, all sagging on international television. In fact...damn, dude. It takes a very poorly constructed dress bodice indeed to make an underweight chain-smoking Hollywood actress look puffy. Kind of makes the Pepto-Bismol Barbie gown look all right in retrospect, huh?"

Mars - In the Loop
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez. Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Oh, the Oscars? Sure, I guess I have time to present an award, but as you can see, I'm co-starring in a production of Grease, and I'm due onstage for the 'Beauty School Dropout' number in ten minutes."

Jupiter - Friends With People in the Loop
"Hi, I'm Tom Cruith. Okay, I know it looked bit thilly that I didn't thave for the Othcarth, even though my thpeech wath thuppothed to be therious and tholemn. But on a more important note -- did you notithe how thraight my teeth are getting? They mutht be halfway there! Thethe brathes are working out thuper! I can't wait to get them off, tho that the Academy'th obviouth prejudithe againtht thuperthtar actorth with thlightly crooked teeth like mythelf will be foiled onthe and for all, and then I can finally win the Othcar I tho richly detherve! I mean, I haven't won one yet, and what elthe could ethplain it?"

Saturn - On a Clear Day, Can See the Loop
"Hi, I'm Mikhail Gorbachev. While I very glad to be part in opening montage of people expressing favourite of films, I must tell America that you did not hear my full address. Sadly, editor cut many comments of mine. Here is part you hear: 'I liked the Gladiator with Russell Crowe.' Here is part you not hear: 'Why is Whoopi Goldberg hosting of Oscar again? Is America think Whoopi funny? Capitalism make America soft in head. Sure, I laugh at some parts of first Sister Act with nun like anyone, But then I see Bogus, which suck hard my Russian ball sack.'"

Uranus - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm John Williams, conductor of the Oscar orchestra and the man who scored the medley of great Oscar-winning movie themes. Ah, who can forget such brilliant themes as Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jaws, or E.T.? Or, I guess, um, Psycho, and, uh, that marching one with the whistling in it, and, of course, E.T.! Who says there's no 'me' in 'medley'? I tried to sneak Superman in there, too, but the musicians kept asking why they had to play the Star Wars theme twice."

Neptune - Has Heard Tales of the Loop
"Hi, we're Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close. Okay, we know what you're thinking: 'Are those two so hard up that they'll take a gig as a pair of backstage Don Pardos for Oscar night? Sure, it made sense that Peter Coyote would do it, but Glenn Close? And Donald Sutherland? They should be winning Oscars, not sitting in the wings guarding a novelty Oscar vending machine!' Well, first of all, clearly you never saw Virus. And secondly, the producers tricked us! They never told us we'd just be reading names. We thought we'd be sitting up in one of those special balcony boxes, heckling and making snarky comments like Waldorf and Stadler."

Pluto - So Far From the Loop That From Here It Looks Like a Straight Line
"Hi, I'm Silas Gaither. You may remember me from the third season of Survivor, but it's more likely that you don't remember me, since I got the boot well before the merge. Since my time on Survivor was so short that I barely had a chance to worm my way into the hearts of TV viewers across this great nation, I never would have guessed that my participation in the show would be the first step on a journey that took me to the Oscar stage. Now, obviously, I wasn't on the stage accepting an award or anything; rather, I was acting as a statuette himbo, helping the winners off the stage and standing off to the side looking dumb and pretty. So even though I was humiliated on national television while I was on Survivor, it was all totally worth it. Worth it, that is, until I had to put on that dumb-ass fedora and trench coat and behave as though I were Whoopi Goldberg's hunky hallucination. Then I wished I was back in Kenya drinking cow's blood. Dude. I'm not kidding."