Mercury - The flame from a Zippo with Bettie Page engraved on it "Hi, I'm Christina Ricci. You guys think I'm a bad girl? Why -- just because I was in a movie with Vincent Gallo? Is it because I smoke? 'Cause I'm trying to quit. Oh...this isn't because of Prozac Nation, is it? Because, okay, here's the thing about that. I really liked the book and thought if I starred in it it would be like my Girl, Interrupted, you know? And, like, I've already totally followed in Winona Ryder's footsteps everywhere else I possibly could -- except the shoplifting, of course. Just kidding, Noni! I know you totally got framed! But, I mean, hi, I only played the Johnny Depp love interest in a Tim Burton movie, like, Edward Scissorhands much? So anyway, we make this movie, and then Anne Heche goes fucking crazy and Elizabeth Wurtzel starts doing everything she possibly can to make the world hate her guts, and like, here am I, all playing a character called 'Elizabeth Wurtzel' in a movie based on one of her books and, like, I'm starting to think it's never even going to come out, like, ever, and I'm starting to not even want it to come out because I'm so embarrassed that the real Elizabeth is such a head case. But anyway, I'm not a bad girl. Really! I don't even want to copy Winona anymore. Look out for Pumpkin -- it's totally my Legally Blonde! But with, like, a cripple."

Venus - The heater on a Camel straight
"Hello, I'm Fairuza Balk. Yeah, it's tough to look the way I do and not get pegged as a bad girl. I haven't been able to convince anyone that I could be sweet and naïve since I was in Return to Oz; these eyes always give me away. And, yeah, the eyeliner doesn't help. Oh, and I've played a witch more than once. And, right, my biggest parts since The Craft had me playing with knives, spouting White Power slogans, and fucking rock stars. What if I tried playing an FBI agent working undercover in the guise of a skanky Jersey girl? Yeah, that might work, if we didn't have to wait five more months for the next season of The Sopranos, but I guess David Chase isn't in the business of rehabilitating my career. Well, whatever."

Earth - The exhaust from a vintage convertible
"Hi, I'm Eliza Dushku, and hell yeah I'm a bad girl! I was the bad slayer, man! I tried to kill Buffy! Obviously I'm bad -- can't you see I have dark hair? If you need an ass-kicking, gymnastics-faking, wallet-chain-wearing, knife-wielding, jewel-stealing hottie in leather pants and can't afford Angelina Jolie, I'm your girl. "

Mars - Blood spilled in a parking-lot fistfight
"Hi, I'm Selma Blair. Oh, please. Don't lump me in with all these other bitches just because you read some blind item about me making a guy smell my finger, okay? I get that you liked Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore and you're bitter that he's dating some skinny brat you think is beneath him, but don't take it out on me by sticking me...okay, you did not put me under Eliza Dushku! Didn't you see me in Storytelling? I've got chops! Don't be a player hater, Fametracker."

Jupiter - Red leather pants
"Hello, I'm Mia Kirshner. I'm the Canadian bad girl -- the one who put on a Catholic schoolgirl outfit and gave Bruce Greenwood a bunch of lapdances in Exotica. I was also, briefly, a bad-girl assassin on 24, and, nearly as briefly, a bad-girl werewolf on Wolf Lake, and a girl so bad she is actually nicknamed 'The Cruelest Girl' in Not Another Teen Movie. Given my penchant for playing predators and the consorts of the undead and vampires and such, I would be fine with playing bad girls for the rest of my life...but it recently occurred to me that there's probably going to be a lot of work for me soon -- you know, since I'm pretty much Jennifer Connelly's shorter, paler doppelgänger. Has anyone heard if there's going to be a straight-to-tape sequel to A Beautiful Mind? Maybe just a whole other movie version of it -- like, with Dangerous Liaisons and Valmont? No? What about a Rocketeer prequel? Is UPN maybe going to try to bring back The $treet? Am I the only one with a vision, here?"

Saturn - Red lipstick
"Hi, I'm Robin Tunney. Aw, it really takes me back to be here in the Bad Girls Galaxy of Fame! Remember when I was a super-bad-ass witch in The Craft and I made bugs crawl all over the other girls and made Skeet Ulrich my Skeet Ulbitch? That was cool. And when I shaved my head in Empire Records and was all sad and messed-up and suicidal, that was fun, too. But it was all so long ago now. These days, if I scowl at you -- say, from the screen, in End of Days or Supernova -- it's not because I'm imagining what it would be like to magically make all your hair fall out; it's just because I'm really, really bored."

Uranus - A tiny tank top that shows midriff
"Hi, I'm Zooey Deschanel. Me? Why, 'cause I told my mom to 'feck off' in Almost Famous? That's not even a swear! Dammit, this is where looking like the love child of Fairuza Balk and Robin Tunney becomes more of a curse than a blessing. Which is not to say that I wouldn't also like some of Jennifer Connelly's castoffs, because I would. I've had it with this Big Trouble shit."

Neptune - The last sip of beer before the bottle gets thrown out the window
"Hi, I'm Bijou Phillips. Oh, man, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm late for an appointment to get my liver replaced, and right after that I'm getting a gangrenous foot amputated. Then I have to go meet my dealer. Can I catch you later?"

Pluto - The flame on a stove under a kettle boiling water for a nice cup of tea
"Hi, I'm Juliette Lewis. Oh, my stars. Witchcraft? Knives? Slaying? Head-shaving? Gee, and I thought I was so tough for fellating Robert De Niro's thumb. You girls are all going straight to hell! Oh, wait. Do Scientologists believe in hell? I have to make a call."