Mercury - Future's so bright, I gotta wear shades! "Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. I'm this year's cover girl and the first on the list, so I guess that makes me the #1 mostest beautiful person of all! Yes, it's been quite a year for me. I really stretched myself and I'm much happier now, and...well, you read all this crap already in thirty other magazines, so let's just skip the preamble and move on, shall we? Hey! I wonder who else made the list. Let's see here...Connelly, Corwin, Crawford, Craig David -- what? No Cruise? Goodness me! Must be the braces. Or the nose. And what's this? No Cruz, either? Well, no hard feelings, Penélope. After all, there's only so much room on the list. It doesn't mean you're not attractive. But you're no Marg Helgenberger. Sorry."

Venus - Future's so bright, I gotta shade my eyes with my hand!
"Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. Okay, I didn't get the cover, but let's face it -- I don't need the cover. I'm a gimme on this list. I've been beautiful every year since they started doing this issue. In fact, before I was born, I was on People's '50 Most Beautiful Zygotes' list. Like Nicole, I also have to mention a few notable absentees from the list this year -- like, say, Benjamin Bratt? And Talisa Soto? So sad. And if you two have a kid, he's not going to make the beautiful zygotes list either. Now, where did I put my pet cameraman?"

Earth - Future's so bright, I gotta squint slightly!
"Hi, I'm Eric Roberts. I look like Julia Roberts wearing a short-hair wig. Don't I get to be on the 50 Most Beautiful People list? I'm not saying #1, but, you know, somewhere in the mid-forties? Come on -- I'm good-looking! No? Okay. Never mind. If anyone needs me, I'll be over here filming C.H.U.D. 3: The C.H.U.D.ening."

Mars - Future's bright enough to read by!
"Hi, I'm Bernie Williams. Apparently, I'm now better-looking than Derek Jeter. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, I'm in and he's out. Maybe Jeter had a disfiguring accident that I didn't hear about. Anyway, I'm not complaining -- there's nothing that boosts your clubhouse cachet quite like a glamour shot in People's 50 Most Beautiful People issue."

Jupiter - Future's got a dimmer switch!
"Hi, I'm Shakira. Am I famous yet? No? Well, wake me up when I'm famous. I know it's just a matter of time. I mean, I'm the perfect hybrid of the pop-ingenue craze and the Latin-music craze. And both of those are just about to hit their crests, right? I'm as sure of that as I have been of anything since I convinced my label that Laundry Service was the catchiest album title of the year."

Saturn - Future's now being escorted from the bar after last call!
"Hi, I'm Jacqueline Hennessy, identical twin sister of Jill Hennessy. So, shouldn't I be on the list of 50 Most Beautiful People? Aren't I, in fact, by definition one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world? How can you possibly include Jill and not me? We're identical twins! Is anybody listening! People! Soylent green is people!"

Uranus - Future's so dark, I gotta wear a miner's helmet
"Hi, I'm Viggo Mortensen. You know, I remember this one time about twelve years ago when me and my old wife, Exene Cervenka, the lead singer of the L.A. punk band X, were eating in this one Chinese food restaurant, a real dive, and I opened this fortune cookie and it said, 'You will appear in People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People issue' and I was like, what? And then I showed it to Exene and we just laughed and laughed. Then I handed the fortune to this guy at the next table and said, 'Hey, buddy, I think we got our cookies mixed up.' And that guy was Dirk Benedict, of TV's The A-Team. And yet here I am, twelve years later, in People. And where's Dirk Benedict? Damned if I know. Boy, life sure is funny. What's that? Turn my face to the right? Whatever you say."

Neptune - Who turned out the lights?
"Hi, I'm Sharon Osbourne. Hey Viggo, Ozzy and I used to eat in that same Chinese restaurant! We liked it because they always gave Ozzy a bib without having to be asked. In fact, I got that exact same fortune that you did! Well, if by 'got,' you mean 'laid a beating on Dirk Benedict in the parking lot and stole the fortune for myself.' And it worked! Sorry, Starbuck! Sorry about your face, man! Ha! 'Face man' -- get it? I love it when a plan comes together! Ha! Hey Ozzy, put down the colouring book and come listen to this!"

Pluto - Where am I?
"Hi, I'm the token Fireman. Remember me? I always used to make the list, or at least be included in some sort of adjunct, beautiful-nobodies list. But this year People apparently decided to concentrate entirely on celebrities -- all the better to bring you such underreported stories as 'Halle Berry: Good-Looking,' and 'This Just In: Cindy Crawford a Head-Turner.' You'd think that, of all the issues they've done, this would be the one in which they'd include a few firefighters, or cops, or something. But, as they explained to me, there's only so much room on the list. It doesn't mean I'm not attractive. But I'm no Marg Helgenberger."