Mercury - Fucking hot "Hello, I'm Angelina Jolie. Yes, my husband Billy Bob and I have been living apart for several months, and will be divorcing. Yes, that means that when I was asked about it a few weeks ago, and acted like everything was fine, I wasn't telling the whole truth. Yes, I waited until there was an Us Weekly cover story in it for me before spilling my side of the story and confirming all the rumours. Yes, I realize this makes me much more sympathetic to the public. Yes, I have retained Nicole Kidman's publicist."

Venus - Goddamn hot
"Hi, I'm Billy Bob Thornton. A bunch of y'all have questioned how I could possibly cheat on one of the most beautiful women in the world. And not just once -- a bunch of times, with a bunch of different trashy groupies. If you believe the stories you hear about me, that is, and I'm not going to confirm or deny jack. But let's say it is true. What can I say in my own defense? It's not like you, the American public, don't already know I'm not a well man. I mean, the stories of my eccentricities have been told and re-told, and I've owned up to most of them. My fear of antique furniture? Sure, I admit it. Only eating food that's orange? Maybe. Being a manorexic? Well, rent Sling Blade, and then rent A Simple Plan, and draw your own conclusion. Plus, there's the whole thing with the vials of blood we wore around our necks. Maybe it seemed to you that our mutual weirdness would bind Angelina and me together forever. I guess we just weren't weird enough. Or maybe too weird. I don't know. I just let Angelina Jolie slip through my fingers, people. What the hell do I know about relationships?"

Earth - Hellishly hot
"Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien. I'm hardly what you would call an overnight sensation in Hollywood. I toiled for years behind the scenes, writing for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons. When I shocked everyone by getting the nod to take over hosting Late Night from David Letterman, most people's reaction was, 'Who?' And then after they watched me in Year One, and Two...and, okay, Three, they were stunned to witness my sucking as a host -- loudly and undeniably. But I've been working tirelessly at Late Night for nearly nine seasons now, doing my best to improve as a host and as an interviewer. Oh sure, I don't get the showy press attention for my every move like Letterman and Leno and even Jon Stewart do. But I'm still here, and each season, my performance is better than it was the year before; I have yet to coast. So you can imagine my surprise when NBC asked me to host the primetime Emmy Awards this fall. It's just weird to see hard work and talent rewarded in the television industry, instead of ubiquity or media-whoring. I can only assume NBC offered the job to Kelly Osbourne first, and that she turned them down because they couldn't afford her. Whatever the reason, I'll take it."

Mars - Damn hot
"And speaking of the Emmys -- hi, I'm Six Feet Under. If you don't recognize me or have never watched, don't worry. Just sit tight and wait for September 22; I'll be the one up on stage, bitch-slapping The West Wing."

Jupiter - Darn hot
"Hello, I'm Simon Cowell, the man you love to hate. Or maybe you just hate to hate me. I don't really give a tinker's damn which, frankly. Whether you can admit it or not, I represent a part of you that you're too scared to own -- namely, the bitchy sociopath who tells people his unvarnished opinions and picks fights with gigantic, sweaty record producers and past-their-prime pop 'stars.' If you've developed an intense antipathy toward me, it's probably just because you're in denial. I've been given a forum in which to dash young people's foolish hopes with complete impunity and you haven't, all right? Don't take your jealousy out on me. And if you haven't developed an intense antipathy toward me and are, rather, nursing a raging crush on me, here's some good news: American Idol will be back for another season, possibly as early as January 2003. And this time, the audition period will go on much longer, the better to give me adequate space to do irreparable, lifelong damage to young Americans' fragile egos. See you then!"

Saturn - Really hot
"Hi, I'm Lance Bass. I know you've all been sitting on the edge of your seats all these weeks, waiting to find out whether I'll get to fulfill my dream of being the youngest American in space. Well, you can stop praying for me and signing your name to internet petitions and pestering your Congressman: Russia wants me to be on a space flight to the International Space Station, in space. NASA's all like, 'But, Lance has no credentials! How is he going to spend his time on the flight? What kind of research can he do?' Yeah, whatever. I think I'm at least as qualified as that Lance Ito billionaire dude who bought his way into space last year. I swear, if NASA ruins this for me, I am going to go totally medieval on their ass. And hey, dude -- just because you know I'm going to be in space in October, don't break into my house while I'm gone, okay? Because I seriously have a guard dog that will fuck you up if you try that."

Uranus - Pretty hot
"Hey, y'all! I'm Anna Nicole Smith! Hey, pay attention! I'm on TV now, y'all gotta be nice to me now! I know y'all think I'm just some trash, marrying an old rich guy and waiting for him to die so I could get all his money. But I'm not trash, and y'all are going to see that when my show starts on E!. I'm gonna keep it real, and you're going to see what a good person I am and how a reality show isn't enough -- I should be in movies! I could be the next Mae West! Or, if not that, then the next Brigitte Nielsen. Or, if not that, the next notch in Billy Bob Thornton's belt. Billy Bob, call me!"

Neptune - Hot, I guess
"Hi, I'm Michael Jackson. Well, for now. As you may have heard, I've been embracing my black roots lately, as part of my ongoing fight against the White Devil, a.k.a. Tommy Mottola. And when I complain that Sony has ruined my career, I'm not just doing it for my own sake -- I'm doing it for the sake of all the other musical artists, who are black like me. But anyway, 'Michael Jackson' is just my slave name. My deep love for my African heritage -- you know, the same deep love that moved me to submit to six nose jobs, each one chiselling my formerly flat nose to an ever finer sliver of its former self -- may yet inspire me to take on a new name. I feel I may need a name that better reflects my African roots. Also, a name that the record-buying public doesn't associate so much with an accused pedophile who hasn't made a decent album since Thriller. Maybe something like Mystikal. What?"

Pluto - Cold
"Hi, I'm Lori Olson. Well, I hardly need to tell you that, America, because you already know -- since you've been glued to my show, right? Well, I'm out of the Big Brother house now, so I'm ready to start being a celebrity! I haven't gotten any calls from The Late Show or Fear Factor or Hollywood Squares or anything yet, so I figured you must have confused me with one of the other houseguests who are still in the house, and thus can't do press or sign autographs or endorse soda, unlike me. Maybe you're thinking of Lisa, who's still in the house. I'm Lori. Seriously, call my agent! It'll be ahhhhhsome!"