Mercury - Suicide sauce! "Hi, I'm Mike Myers. Okay, I know some of you out there don't like me. Maybe you've heard stories about my near pathological fear of physical contact. Maybe you're put off by reports that I'm a temperamental control freak on set. And maybe you're just plain sick to death of Austin Powers, 'Yeah, baby!,' and my shaggy-mopped mug leering out at you from every magazine cover, pop-up ad, and supersized soda cup in the country. But listen: who was the last comedian to create, practically from scratch, a successful and actually funny comedy franchise that didn't absolutely suck by the middle of the second movie? No, Cheech & Chong don't count. Face it: like it or not, I'm the most important movie comedian since Peter Sellers. You think I just crash-landed here on Mercury by accident? And if that's not enough to sway you, you should be thankful to me for this, if nothing else: Goldmember has forever erased the national embarrassment of having Rush Hour 2 as the biggest comedy opening of all time. And any accomplishment that even slightly erodes the inexplicable and dangerous clout of Brett Ratner must be greeted with gratitude and respect."

Venus - Three-alarm fire sauce!
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez and I'd like to set something straight. Some of you might be thinking that it seems pretty quick -- you know, the way I hooked up with Ben Affleck about ten minutes after splitting with my husband. The ink wasn't dry on the divorce papers, and the tears weren't dry on Cris's face, if you know what I mean. So now, you might think I'm one of those typical Hollywood types -- the kind who profess unprecedented love on Thursday, then dump their mates on Friday, then show up on someone else's arm on Saturday night, just in time for the next week's People. But that's not me at all! It only seems that way because I instructed my publicists to lie about my faltering relationship for months, and pretended myself, when asked, that everything was rosy, even though I hadn't shared a home with my husband since the spring! So you see? It's not that I'm fickle, I'm just duplicitous. And why should you care so much about my private life anyway? Why can't you stop prying?! Stop your snooping, stop your bitching, and go buy my new perfume, Glow, available in better stores everywhere."

Earth - Hot sauce!
"Hi, I'm Anna Nicole Smith. Do y'all remember back when you were kids, and you used to think that people got to be on television because they were, you know, talented, or because they were, you know, good at something, or at least interesting in some way that separated them from the average person? Yeah, me too. Thankfully, things have changed, just in time for The Anna Nicole Show, premiering on E! August 4th!"

Mars - Medium hot sauce!
"Hi, I'm Michael Jackson. Look at me! I'm back in the news! Yippee! Of course, the down side is that people are once again debating the state of my mental health, given my recent antics. People, haven't you figured this one out yet? Come on! What do I have to do to convince you? Remember the Elephant Man's bones? The chimps? The nose thing? The sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber? Come on, people -- a hyperbaric chamber! Then I make a few threats to Tommy Mottola and claim someone forged my signature, and now you're wondering if I'm a little unhinged? Maybe once you figure this conundrum out, you can go back to puzzling over that whole 'George W. Bush -- not as bright as we thought' stumper."

Jupiter - Medium sauce!
"Hi, I'm Rob Lowe. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will no longer be the lead of The West Wing. Yes, in answer to your question, I most definitely was the lead before. Didn't you notice that my name came first in the credits? Or that I always entered the 'lead actor' category in the Emmys? Frankly, I don't know how the show will continue. It's like doing Seinfeld without Seinfeld, or Everybody Loves Raymond without Raymond, or Cheers without one of those guys at the bar who played pool in the back room with Cliff and Norm. Better yet, Sorkin, it's like trying to run the actual country from the actual White House after firing the deputy whoever-it-was that I played on the show. Do you think the real White House would try to do that? Hell no! It's suicide! And you'll be sorry when -- what? Yes, yes, okay, I'll clean out my dressing room. But you could at least wait until I leave before stenciling 'Robert Downey Jr.' on the door."

Saturn - Mild sauce!
"Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. For those keeping track, I am no longer romantically connected to any of: Russell Crowe, Ewan McGregor, Ben Affleck, and/or Tobey Maguire. I have now moved on to Vin Diesel, though within two days I will be spotted cuddling with Colin Farrell. Then I will canoodle with Justin Timberlake and, later, Leo DiCaprio. In the following weeks, I plan to be romantically connected with Matt Damon, Colin Firth, Jonathan Lipnicki, and Janet Jackson. Just to give you a heads up."

Uranus - Extra Mild Sauce!
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. What the fuck are you looking at! Why don't you go fuck -- oh, hi. I'm sorry, I thought you were one of the dirty paparazzi. But you're just one of my fans! My mistake! No, that's not a cigarette I'm stubbing out with my toe -- I'm just killing a dirty cockroach! Ha ha! Look, I don't normally give my fans the finger and a stream of cursing. For you, I have a special treat: a twenty-minute concert! And as a bonus: apologies, issued through a spokesperson! Enjoy!"

Neptune - Guacamole!
"Hi, we're Canadians. We just like to bring some international attention to our sad plight. Due to archaic cultural protectionism, we don't have access to many of the most buzzed-about cable shows, like The Sopranos, The Osbournes, or Real World. Sure, they drift up here eventually, but it's usually weeks after we've heard all about them. And, yes, we can watch The Osbournes on something called MTV Canada, which is this weird lookalike channel that broadcasts out of Edmonton or something. But please -- help our cause! We want the right to not watch The Anna Nicole Show just like everyone else! And we shouldn't be deprived of the very best that the U.S., as a beacon of civility and class, has to offer to the world. You know, shows like..."

Pluto - Sour Cream!
"Hi, we're Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Welcome to our home, which we'll be opening for a one-hour reality special on VH1 this fall! But we aren't letting cameras into the bathrooms or bedroom! After all, we're modest folk, and besides, we can't afford the lawsuits arising from psychological damage that such exposure might incur. But otherwise, we're happy to have you as our guests, and we're sure the reason you'll be tuning in is to glimpse how a creative showbiz couple produces outstanding art. Right? Just like you'll be tuning in to Anna Nicole Smith's show to get an inside look at raising a child as a single mother on a budget of $88 million. That's what's so great about these reality shows -- they're just so real. Now, if you'll excuse us, our good friends Michael Jackson and Liz Taylor are waiting in the den, where Michael will be showing us tricks he's taught to his dead chimp Bubbles, and Liz is just now wrapping up her introduction to the 2001 Golden Globe award for Best Picture. Good night!"