Mercury - The bakery "Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. Hey everyone, be sure to check out the new series that I'm producing called Push, Nevada, debuting in September! It airs Thursday nights on ABC! In other news, can you believe I'm dating J. Lo! Holy smokes! Talk about bootylicious! I know baby's got back, but I'm just making up for Gwyneth Paltrow. Just kidding, Jennifer! Ha ha ha. No, but seriously, I'm not bald. Whatever you may have read or heard about my so-called toupee coming off during a so-called playfight with Vince Vaughn is all totally untrue. Seriously. Okay. Glad to clear that up. Hey, did I mention my new show, Push, Nevada? It's a drama and a game show! The winner gets to tug at my hair! Which will not come off. Why would it? I'm not bald. So don't forget: Push, Nevada, Thursday nights and I'm not bald."

Venus - The back room at the dry cleaners
"Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage. I'm also not bald. Not even balding. Never was. That's right. I've always had this Chia pet-looking, Tom Ford-esque shrub of hair on my head. Yessiree. Always. Back in all those movies I did before, you know, I started doing all the bad movies -- I had my hair intentionally thinned in those films. You know, like Jude Law in Road to Perdition. Often, when I'd appear in public, my hair would still be thinned, as it had been in the film. Because, you know, I'm a method actor and I was always in character. I understand how this might have been confusing. But my real, natural hair is exactly what you see now: the Chia shrub. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my beautiful new wife, Elvis's Daughter. I can't find her anywhere. Elvis's Daughter! Elvis's Daughter! Honey, where have you got to?"

Earth - The tanning salon at high noon
"Hi, I'm Vin Diesel. Seriously, dudes, don't be ashamed. Shave your heads. It works for me. You know, I might be all cagey about my racial background and my real name, but even I'm not afraid to admit that I'm thinning out up top. What's the big deal? You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. And lots of black dudes shave their heads, and they all look good. Damon Wayans. Sam Jackson. Me. I'm not saying I'm black. I'm not. Or am I? No. Really?"

Mars - The car after church when you forgot to crack the windows down a bit
"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt. I'm really, actually not bald. I don't know why I'm sandwiched in here with you shineheads. My genes are so ridiculously good that they should be flash-frozen and stored in the Smithsonian. But I did want to say that, since I bailed on that stupid sci-fi movie, I've shaved off that hideous mountain-man beard. So I have a few pounds of hair that any of you dudes are welcome to, if you want to staple it to your heads or whatever. Just be warned: there's some beads and braids in there, along with one of Jennifer's toe rings and a couple of half-finished gorditas from Taco Bell. Enjoy."

Jupiter - A hotel lobby
"Hi, I'm Bruce Willis. I just wanted to say that I've been balding ever since Moonlighting, I've never hid under toupees in public, and I was rocking the shaved head back when Vin Diesel was bouncing bridge-and-tunnelers from behind a velvet rope in Manhattan. In fact, I'm so much cooler than all of you, I can play the harmonica and occasionally call myself Bruno -- and I'm still cooler than you! I was one of the founding partners of Planet Hollywood -- and I'm still cooler than you! I'm so much cooler than you, I squint and you end up in the hospital."

Saturn - Your college apartment in January
"Hi, I'm Kelly Clarkson. I'm not balding, but I am America's Idol! That's right! America has clutched me to its collective bosom, before moving on to the next temporary distraction, most of whom are currently living in the Big Brother house! But that's all right, because in a few weeks I'll be back with my first single, which will kick-off my long and successful recording career. Because if there's anything I learned belting out schmaltzy epics on American Idol while locked in mortal battle with Justin the Gorgon and that chick who looked like Sharon Osbourne's Mini-Me, it's that nothing guarantees long-term success in the world of entertainment like fleetingly capturing the attention of a diversion-starved nation! Just remember how you all ran out and bought that self-help book by Richard Hatch! Or actually watched the second episode of The Anna Nicole Show! So check out my new album, Karaoke Is The Opiate of The Masses, in stores soon! Thanks!"

Uranus - Your college apartment in February, right after you got the January heating bill
"Hi, I'm Rosario Dawson. I wouldn't mind being clutched temporarily to America's bosom. For those of you keeping score at home, I'm now oh-for-three on the starmaking roles. Josie & the Pussycats tanked, Pluto Nash is one of the most spectacular flops of all time, and in Men in Black II, I got upstaged by Lara Flynn Boyle's breasts, which is not easy. Listen, people, I am pretty and talented, and I did deserve to be on the cover of Vanity Fair two years ago. Really! I'll do better next time, I promise! You know, I really didn't expect that, in the fall of 2002, Kids would be the second-highest-grossing film on my résumé."

Neptune - Your college apartment in February, right after you got the January heating bill, at night
"Hi, we're Michael Jackson. I'm sorry to disturb you with yet another appearance in the Galaxy of Fame after such an extended absence. But I wanted to let everyone know that I have, through enigmatic means known only to myself, acquired yet another child! See! The kids love me -- they flock to my side, like lambs to...the side of a man who loves lambs! And I love lambs! This one is a son, who I've named Prince Michael II. My first son, you might recall, is named Prince Michael, while my daughter is named Paris Michael. I hope to add another son to my collection soon, who I plan to name Prince Michael the Second the Second, after my second son, who is named after my first son, who is named after me. We're one big, ambiguously originated family: Prince Michael, Paris Michael, the other Prince Michael and, of course, me: just plain Crazy Michael."

Pluto - That sinus-burn you get in your nose when you eat ice cream too fast
"Hi, I'm Kim Hunter. I'm best known not so much for a character I played but for the name of that character: Stella! Stella! When Marlon Brando was yelling that out, he was calling after me. I did, however, win an Oscar for that role. Also, I played Dr. Zira in several of the Planet of the Apes movies. All of which makes me cooler even than Bruce Willis. Also, I died recently, so I thought I'd stop on Pluto to say goodbye before moving on. Goodbye."