Mercury - Sunday night on HBO "Hello, I'm Jennifer Garner. It's official. I've got all the trappings of any big star on a huge hit show. I won a Golden Globe, I'm nominated for an Emmy, and Alias gets ceaseless coverage in the press, culminating with my appearance on the cover of Entertainment Weekly's Fall TV Preview! Now the only thing missing is viewers. Don't get me wrong -- we're all plum pleased to check in at a solid #55 in the ratings. But Entertainment Weekly can only float our show for so long, and being a critic's darling only gets you so far. Look at what happened to Felicity! Soon they might be asking me to cut of all my hair or something! What's worse, if you don't get off your duffs on watch us on Sunday nights, Entertainment Weekly might have to put Anthony Clark of Yes, Dear on the cover of the TV preview next year. And nobody wants that."

Venus - Thursday night on NBC
"Hi, I'm John Ritter. I'm back on TV, baby! Okay, I never really left TV, doing about 4000 guest spots over the last, oh, twenty years or so. But I'm back where I started, and where I've always belonged: starring in a network situation comedy! Now, I admit that the title of my new show, 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter, is a tad cumbersome, and the rules themselves ('#4: Bring her home late, there's no next date') are not that funny -­ certainly not funny enough to justify saddling my show with this mouthbuster of a title. And I admit that the premise ­- a newspaper columnist who stays at home to deal with a wacky brood of smartmouthed tots ­- isn't the most original, and in fact sounds depressingly similar to that stinky Harry Anderson show, Dave's World, from a few years back. Yes, I admit that, on the whole, the signs aren't good. But if you're anything like my good friend The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E., and you grew up soiling your shortpants to my smashing pratfalls and expert doubletakes on Three's Company, then you too will be drawn to this show like zombie to fresh brain -- especially if I promise to mix in a few tumbles over the back of the coach every episode. Which I do."

Earth - Thursday night on CBS
"Hi, I'm Kirstie Alley. Word is that I'll be taking time out of my busy scheduling harassing Pier 1 shoppers to star in a new syndicated daytime talk show. That's right -- I'm willfully flinging myself on the smoking pyre that has soiled or consumed the careers of Tempestt Bledsoe, Joan Rivers, and Roseanne, among others. But I shall succeed where they all failed! Why? For the simple reason that if you're anything like my good friend The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E., who had a smoking crush on me when I played Saavik in Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, you'll be drawn to this show like vampire to jugular. So let's recap what we've learned so far: Jennifer Garner -- needs viewers! John Ritter -- will trip over couch for food! Kirstie Alley -- following career blueprint of Gabrielle Carteris! Man from F.U.N.K.L.E. -- pratfall-cheering, Vulcan-chick worshiping nerdling!"

Mars - Wednesday night on FOX
"Hi, I'm Gretchen Mol. No Vanity Fair cover cracks, please. I'm putting all that behind me -- though I was pleased to see that my nipples made it into the recent VF 500th issue cover retrospective. Starting this fall, though, I'll be known not as the It Girl Who Never Was, but as the star of David E. Kelley's new hit, girls club, about three sassy, hot-chick lawyers starting at a new firm. Please don't confuse this show with Snoops, the David E. Kelley show that featured three sassy, hot-chick detectives running their own upstart agency. This show is totally different. For starters, we're lawyers, not detectives. And we're a blond, a redhead, and a brunette, whereas Snoops was a blonde and two brunettes. Or a brunette and two blondes. And our title has no uppercase letters, whereas Snoops had one uppercase letter. You see -- it's like night and day! And Vanity Fair, don't even think I'm going to return your calls when you ask me to do another cover. Well, okay maybe I'll do one cover. But I'm not showing my nipples. Well, okay, maybe one nipple."

Jupiter - Monday night on CBS
"Hello, I'm talented character actor Anthony LaPaglia. This fall, I'll be starring in the gritty cop drama Without A Trace. You might be wondering how this show will fare, given that there are two other high-profile gritty cop dramas also premiering this fall, Boomtown and Michael Mann's Robbery Homicide Division. Not to mention the new C.S.I. spin-off, and the thirty-three other gritty cop dramas currently on TV. Well, I'm wondering the same thing, and I'm not exactly feeling optimistic. For starters, look at our title -- we're doing the critics's work for them! Can't you already read the AP newswire piece, with a clever, 'Ratings-Starved Cop Drama Gone Without A Trace' headline? Oh well. If that happens, I'll just move on to my next project, a gritty drama about an officer at a credit card company who collects bad debt on defaulted cards. Look for it next fall: Canceled, Monday nights on CBS."

Saturn - Friday night on MTV
"Hi, I'm talented character actor Andre Braugher. Hey, remember when I was on Homicide? And people used to call me the best actor on TV? Well, now I'm playing a sidekick to David Morse on Hack, a show about a cabdriver who helps out his fares with their problems. Man, oh man, this does not look good. The show is called Hack, for crying out loud! Not as bad as Without A Trace, but it's close. At least they didn't go with the original title: Touched By A Cabbie."

Uranus - Saturday night on CBS
"Hi, I'm talented character actor Gary Cole. Do you sense a trend here? Given how good I am in movies like The Brady Bunch Movie, Office Space, and One Hour Photo, you'd think TV execs could find something better to do with me than plop me into a remake of Family Affair. And what's worse, they cast Tim Curry as Mr. French! No offense, Tim -- I loved Rocky Horror Picture Show too -- but you've been in so many poisonous flops that you're now like the Manchurian Candidate of TV stars: the very mention of the name 'Tim Curry' acts as a post-hypnotic prompt for viewers to rise up and leave the room. Please folks, watch my show for a few weeks. It's not great, but it pays the bills. How else am I supposed to survive? It's not like I get a royalty cheque every time you say 'If you could go ahead and do that, that would be great' to one of your sniggering friends."

Neptune - Any night on ABC
"Hi, I'm George Lopez. I'll be starring in a sitcom on ABC this fall. In fact, I starred on this same show all of last year as well. Who knew? And my damn show is called George Lopez! Apparently, I'm some sort of TV star! Of course, when I say 'some sort of TV star' I mean the 'sort' of 'star' that nobody knows about or recognizes or has ever heard of. Look, I don't know how shows like mine stay on the air either, but I don't ask questions. I just show up at the studio for work every day. And then I remind the security guard that, yes, I'm the star of the show they're filming on set. Called George Lopez. Wednesday nights at 8:30. Seriously."

Pluto - Every night on UPN
"Hi, I'm Jordan Knight. Okay, what's going on here? Donnie Wahlberg is on Boomtown. Joey McIntyre is on Boston Public. Am I the only New Kid who doesn't get to be on a show? And I was the cute one! Okay, maybe the second cutest one, but still. I had a comeback single too, you know. I'm telling you, I'm willing to be patient, but if Danny Wood gets a show before me, then some network execs will be 'Hangin' Tough' while I 'Step by Step' on their punk asses, NKOTB-style. If you get my meaning. 'Step by Step.' An album of ours. 1990. Oh, never mind."