Mercury - The Top "Hi, I'm Winona Ryder. Thankfully, the sniper has apparently been caught. Not only is our long national nightmare over, but we can finally turn our attention back to the real issues of law and order that affect us all. I speak, of course, of felony shoplifting. Did you know that felony shoplifting claimed over a dozen Hermes bags last year, in Beverly Hills alone? And that's only the ones that I can personally account for. Come on, people, I've been in court, like, three or four times already. I understand you've been distracted, but let's regain our focus here. Expensive bags. Shoplifted. By me. Will the madness never end?"

Venus - Penultimate
"Hi, I'm Madonna. I'm also thankful that the sniper ordeal is over. Now all the citizens of Maryland, Virginia, and the greater Washington, D.C., area, can return to their normal lives. And all my loyal fans who wanted to go out and see Swept Away but were too scared of the sniper, can now go out and catch it this weekend. People! Don't fear the sniper! Swept Away is a real romp, folks! It's me! On a beach! With some Italian guy! And he has a beard! And as a special promotion, this weekend we'll be showing it as a two-for-one with that yoga movie I made with Rupert Everett. No, I don't remember what that one was called either. Come on, folks, save my movie! It's not too late!"

Earth - Major Domo
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. Sadly, it is too late to save my show, Push, Nevada. The sniper claims yet another victim! Apparently, America was too scared to sit by their picture windows and enjoy Thursday night's most exciting and innovative new show, choosing instead to cower in fear in the basement with the lights off, watching C.S.I. Well, your loss. Though I must point out that I did my part. In an effort to calm a country gripped by fear, I appeared, several times, in public and in full view of the paparazzi and potential snipers, kissing J.Lo. On the lips. Several times. No, no. Please. No thanks are necessary."

Mars - Inner Circle
"Hi, I'm Shannen Doherty. My latest marriage just fell apart. Damn you, sniper!"

Jupiter - In the Loop
"Hi, I'z Nick Nolte. No, sir, I dunno...I...gimme the sniper! Wazza-Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate in my suitcaze? And pleaze puzza me back my robe. I apologize to myzzelf for date-raping myzzelf....Goddamn sniper!"

Saturn - Friends With People in the Loop
"Hi, I'm Anna Nicole Smith. What he said."

Uranus - On a Clear Day, Can See the Loop
"Hi, I'm James Stern, CEO of the National Association Of Cosmetologists. I'm sure when Jesse Jackson made those critical remarks about the hit movie Barbershop, you immediately thought, 'Yes, but what do the cosmetologists think about all this?' Well, I'm here to tell you: We don't like it. Not the movie. The comments. Barbershop was a hilarious romp that finally gave the nation's barbers, stylists, and hairdressers their rightful due. As for the sniper, we, the cosmetologists, are against sniping in all forms. We are not, however, against snipping. Ha! Snipping! Looks like Cedric isn't the only entertainer!"

Neptune - Has Heard Tales of the Loop
"Hi, I'm Robert Blake. Remember when I was America's favourite felon? Now I've dropped below the sniper, John Walker Lindh, that shoe-bomber guy, the Lackawanna Six, and that shoplifting hussy up on Mercury. I can't even get on that damn news crawl on CNN these days! Come on, people, I (allegedly) shot my own wife! What do I (allegedly) have to do? And now a tape's come out of me (allegedly) asking a stuntman to (allegedly) whack my wife for me. How will I get out of this one, America? And did I mention I (allegedly) have explosives in my shoes? And I (allegedly) joined the Taliban? And I (allegedly) lived in Buffalo where I (allegedly) stole several handbags from Saks? Anyone?"

Pluto - So Far From the Loop That it Looks Like a Straight Line
"Hi, I'm Richard Harris, one of Britain's greatest actors. Yes, I died last week. Thanks for noticing."