Mercury - Five-alarm fire! "Hi, I'm Eminem. Move over, Madonna and Howard Stern -- I'm the latest threat to Western civilization that's been subsequently hugged to the bosom of America. I've got a #1 film, a #1 album, and they're profiling me on frickin' Entertainment Tonight. And I'm just getting started, yo. Soon, I'll get to work on 9 Mile, the sequel to my current smash hit film. In 9 Mile, my character, B. Rabbit, hooks up with this aging record producer played by Kris Kristofferson. He says he'll make me a star, but then he gets all jealous when my career takes off and he's stuck playing sidekick to Wesley Snipes in Blade. So he gets all up in my face, and we fight, but then we make up and fall in love. It's quite tender, and then I wax his ass. Check it out in the summer of 2004. In the meantime, look for me at the Oscars, where I should nab my first nomination. I'll be making a special appearance on the Oscar telecast to sing a controversial duet with Charles Nelson Reilly. See you there, yo."

Venus - Four-alarm fire!
"Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez, and I should clearly be on Mercury. After all, I also once had a #1 movie and a #1 album at the same time. Plus, I'm marrying Ben Affleck, Hollywood's most eligible bachelor! My pleasing romantic comedies and inoffensive R&B can be enjoyed in video stores and shopping-mall food courts around the globe! But remember, though: I'm still Jenny from the block. Just because I star in movies, record albums, run my own clothing line, operate several restaurants, am protected by a $1 million security detail, and am currently prepping for what's widely called 'the show business wedding of the decade,' don't let that fool you into thinking I'm any different from the sweet, talented, and rapaciously ambitious little girl you once knew."

Earth - One-alarm fire, with some volunteer firemen on standby!
"Hi, I'm Matt Damon. You may have heard that I, too, may be getting hitched soon, to my girlfriend of one year, Odessa Whitmire -- Ben's former assistant. Of course, the question you're all asking is: Have we thought about a double wedding? It would be kind of magical: Me and Odessa, Jennifer and Ben, standing together in front of God and our families and friends to declare our love for each other. And then, just as we're preparing to say our vows, Odessa and Jennifer can step aside quietly, while Ben and I stride forward and are united, once and forever, just as we've always dreamed."

Mars - Controlled brush fire!
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck, and I too share that dream. But in the meantime, I've taken time out from my busy 'kissing J. Lo for the paparazzi' schedule in order to sign on with John Woo to make a new film. That's right: the creative talent behind Bounce and Pearl Harbor combined with the artistic force behind Windtalkers and Broken Arrow. Are your hairs on end yet, America? The film is tentatively titled Paycheck, but that's not the official title. That's just what John and I are calling it."

Jupiter - Mattress fire!
"Hi, I'z George Clooney. Good news, America. The MPAA has decided that the sight of my naked ass is not more emotionally damaging to young people than, say, the sight of someone getting their brains blown out through their eyehole. As such, my new film, Solaris -- or as it's now commonly known, Clooneyassorama -- will not be getting an 'R' rating -- just a whole lot of really, really valuable publicity."

Saturn - Fire in an old oil drum at a picket line, warming strikers!
"Vin Diesel here. You know, I'm sick and tired of being pigeonholed as an 'action star.' Stop trying to box me in, America! Of course, I've only really 'starred' in one 'action film' so far, unless you count The Fast and the Furious, in which I co-starred with Paul Walker and several camshafts. But I have a lot of action films scheduled for release and, frankly, I've grown weary of the whole genre. I want to be respected as an actor. I want to be the next Tom Hanks, if Tom Hanks was really buff, shaved his head, and called himself Tom Turbo, or something like that. That's why I'm currently developing The Jaded and the Jealous, my own rock-'n'-roll adaptation of Othello, in which, thanks to digital technology and my own carefully cultivated ambiguous ethnicity, I will play all the roles."

Uranus - Lit a match, accidentally lit the whole pack, had to wave it a few times, then step on it!
"Hi, I'm Ian McKellen, with my two friends Christopher Lee and Richard Harris. We'd just like to say how great it is that Hollywood is going through a sword and sorcery mini-renaissance. Before the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, the best roles that we venerable actor types could hope for were showcase parts in tiny art films, or parts as wallpaper behind some Hollywood buffoon taking a vanity whack at Shakespeare. But suddenly Hollywood needs wizards, and we're open for business, baby! Just give us a cloak and a fake beard, and tell us which direction to point our wands! Take Chris Lee, for example. It wasn't that long ago he was appearing in The Stupids and Welcome to Discworld! He played 'Death' in three straight movies, for crying out loud! But now, between Sarumon the White in LOtR and Count Dooku in Star Wars, C. Lee is getting paid, yo! He hasn't had it this good since he broke into films back in 1917! Dick Harris, too, caught a piece of this action, but sadly, he's passed on. He's only here to say thanks for the last-minute payday, and by the way, he's Irish, not British, as was erroneously reported in a previous Galaxy of Fame -- a factual mix-up apparently caused by solar flare activity."

Neptune - Smelled smoke, but turned out to be crumbs in the bottom of the toaster!
"Hi, I'm Madonna. Perhaps you've heard that my by-now infamous flop, Swept Away, will not even be released theatrically in England, my adopted home. I keep telling these people that the sniper has been caught and put in prison, but they don't listen! In other news, Eminem has permanently wrested away my crown as America's favourite controversial pop star. What do I have to do, people? He insults Moby and everyone goes apeshit. Meanwhile, I published a book with pictures of me having sex with Vanilla Ice! Hello? To add insult to injury, I lobbied for a part in that Eminem film, but the director said he wanted to go with 'a real actress,' and then cast Kim Basinger. And I was gunning for the role of the girlfriend! Damn, this has not been my week. Speaking of bad weeks..."

Pluto - Threat of rain
"Hi, I'm Jeffrey Jones. If you can't put your faith in a charming character actor who's appeared in over forty films, who can you put your faith in? But I swear, I thought that boy was Ferris Bueller, and I was just trying to wrestle him back to school. Really! Bueller? Bueller?"