Mercury - Turkey's Done! "Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez, and I've had so much to be thankful for since last year! I'm thankful that my second husband left without badmouthing me to the press...yet. I'm thankful that the announcement of my engagement to the gorgeous, sexy, brilliantly smart Ben Affleck just happened to coincide with the release of my third album, the release of my next movie, and the announcement that Ben is this year's Sexiest Man Alive. It just luckily happened to work out that way! It's like magic, really. Almost as magic as our pure, very real love. Which is totally real and not fake at all. I think I'm most thankful that my millions of dollars, my many properties, my closets full of jewellery, my hundreds of magazine covers, and my ever-growing army of zombie ex-husbands haven't changed who I am, you know, inside. It's just like I sing in my new song, 'Jenny From the Block.' No, I'm not going to quote the relevant lyrics. It's on sale now; go buy it like anyone else."

Venus - Turkey's Almost Done!
"Hi, I'm Ben Affleck. I'm thankful that no one can smell vodka on my breath."

Earth - Turkey's Going to Make People Really Sick if You Serve It Now!
"Hello, I'm Lisa Marie Presley. I realize that you don't know very much about me, since you really only hear about me in relation to men for whom you have a very reasonable and understandable distaste -- you know, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, L. Ron Hubbard. A few months ago, you heard about me in relation to Nicolas Cage, when we got married. This week, you heard about me in relation to him again, because we're getting divorced. So now I have three failed marriages behind me -- one to a man who's currently made of less than 30% organic material and gets his rocks off (which is not to say that he even necessarily has 'rocks' anymore, if you know what I'm saying) by shaking his baby in the wind like a pinwheel; and one to a man so obsessed with Elvis that he tried to collect me like he collected comic books. So, I guess when it all comes down to it, I'm thankful that no one really knows anything about my first husband. Because that guy...well, you'll have to wait for the E! True Hollywood Story."

Mars - Turkey's Halfway Roasted!
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all! I have so much to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful my parents got divorced so my mom can pay more attention to me. I'm thankful that even though my sister Jamie Lynn is younger than me, she's still far enough away from puberty not to push me out of the fame picture like Ashley Judd did to Wynonna. I'm thankful that even though me and Justin broke up, he still can't give an interview about his big solo album without getting asked about me. Ha! Oh -- and I'm thankful that no matter how much boob and thigh I show in my little outfits -- and that's a lot, y'all -- Christina still far outskanks me. She takes the blue ribbon at the Betty Crocker Skank-Off every time. If skank were people, she'd be China."

Jupiter - Turkey's Stuffed and in the Oven!
"That's right! I'm Christina Aguilera, and I don't care if it is Thanksgiving! I'm dirrty! I'm in the middle of my mom's dining-room table, with creamed corn all down my chest and mashed potatoes in my hair. What, you're looking for the cranberries? Sure -- I'm serving them out of the crack of my ass. You want pumpkin pie and whipped cream, you're going to have to come and [censored] a [censored] and really dig your fingers in the [censored] to get the best [censored]."

Saturn - Turkey's Been Rubbed With Herbs and Salt!
"Oi, I'm Russell Crowe. What is all this fucking turkey here for? I ordered chicken! Chicken! You better get me some chicken right now, or I am going to tear this place apart! CHICKEN! I'M RUSSELL CROWE!"

Uranus - Turkey Needs Its Bag of Giblets Taken Out!
"Hello, we're The Osbournes. We're honoured to bring the second season of our reality show to you in the same week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. We're thankful that 84% more of you tuned in to our second-season premiere than did to the series premiere last season, even if that is a lot fewer of you than watched our first-season finale. We're just thrilled to be back in our place as America's other First Family. And if we seem a bit more subdued this year than last, by now you know why. But even though filming was certainly affected by our sad news, we'll still try to do our very best to go back to being the raucous, in-your-face Osbournes you fell in love with last season. Fuck. See?"

Neptune - Turkey's Room-Temperature!
"Hi, I'm Anna Nicole Smith. By now, you've heard that my reality show will also be back for a second season, for which I'm very thankful. Like the Osbournes, I have been given some life-changing news that I think will make for a deeper, more meaningful viewing experience, and will give you greater insight into my integrity and character and show just what kind of strong person I am. So if you judged me, during the first season, as a boozy, blowsy, borderline retarded nymphomaniac, I hope you will give me another chance and tune in for Season Two, as I undertake my courageous battle against chronic yeast infections."

Pluto - Turkey's Frozen Solid
"Hey, look at the great lead-in we got from our patron saint, Anna Nicole Smith! Hello, we're the Untalented Fame Whores of America, and we are thankful that it's almost time for us to get our shot at the big time on American Idol. It's like everywhere we look, there's more and more evidence that getting on American Idol is 100% guaranteed to bring us not only the validation our parents couldn't supply, but glorious fame, too. And we don't even have to win the whole thing to get it! Justin was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! Nikki and Ryan and Christina and all of them are in those Old Navy ads! They were all in that concert in Las Vegas a few months ago. It doesn't matter if you didn't see it -- it happened! And it could happen to us! Singing? Big deal. Any idiot can sing, but it takes someone really gifted to do all the crunches it takes to look good in these pants."