Mercury - It's getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes! "Hi, I'm Jennifer Lopez. I win."

Venus - It's getting hot in here! So take off most of your clothes!
"Hi, hello there/ It's me, Eminem./ I'm back again/ Thought you saw the last of me but then/ I hit the scene/ On the screen with a hit movie/ Yes, that was me, and my two platinum records are still proving/ That the kids still love me, but now everybody else does too/ Even you/ And your damn parents, and their neighbour, Stu/ Well, fuck all you/ But thanks for coming to my movie/ I'm glad you think I'm the new James Dean/ Now let me slit your throats, you hootchies/ You see, before me/ Hip-hop was all bling-bling and booty-dancing/ But when I dropped my first EP/ It made Marilyn Manson look like Hansen/ So what's next for Eminem, now that I've shocked and enraged you?/ Engaged you?/ On the screen, the CD, and the stage, too?/ How about a cartoon?/ A talk show?/ An action figure?/ Not bad for a skinny white kid you used to think of as Dre's pet wigga/ I gave America the finger, left everyone offended/ But notice how smart I was to leave 8 Mile open-ended?/ 2002 was my year/ The Year of Eminem, no doubt/ At least until my next CD and 9 Mile both come out/ They used to say 'Slim Shady's gone too far!/ The kids are scarred!'/ I used to be a real G/ Now I'm a G-rated superstar/ I'm in People magazine, but I won't let that muzzle me/ Still, there's one mystery from this year that puzzles me/ Of all the year's top stars, I'm rated sixth by Entertainment Weekly?/ Can someone please explain how they let Kelly Clarkson beat me?"

Earth - It's getting warm in here! So take off that bulky sweater!
"Hi, I'm Nia Vardalos. Lopez might try and convince you that she's still Jenny from the block, even though the kids on the actual block long ago torched their J.Lo velour tracksuits, and having Ben Affleck or your arm doesn't exactly shout 'ghetto credibility.' But trust me -- I'm the year's real Cinderella story. I'm Nia from the block, except that my block is in Winnipeg. I'm Maid in Manitoba, fothermuckas! Yes, if the runaway success of my endearing, sitcommish movie -- soon to be made into an endearing, sitcommish sitcom, which makes a lot more sense, when you think about it -- proves anything, it's that all you need to succeed in Hollywood is talent, a dream, and the backing of international film superstar Tom Hanks. Thanks, Tom Hanks."

Mars - The temperature has stabilized in here! So feel free to take off or leave on your clothes as you see fit!
"Hi, I'm Winona Ryder. You might feel bad for me, seeing as my run-in with the law made me one of the year's top celebrity stories. But I don't need your sympathy. After all, my run-in with the law made me one of the year's top celebrity stories! I haven't had this much ink since Beetlejuice! Do you really think people would have talked about me every day and scrutinized my every hairclip if all I'd done this year was co-star in Mr. Deeds and Simone? This shoplifting rap worked out great for me. In fact, in 2003, don't be surprised if Alicia Silverstone gets 'caught' stuffing a couple of dresses into her knapsack and Jenny McCarthy just 'happens' to knock over a 7-11."

Jupiter - It's getting cool in here! So put back on the bulky sweater!
"Hi, I'm Crazy Michael Jackson, Yes, I've legally changed my name. Actually, my new full legal name is 'King Emperor Prince Crazy Michael Bubbles Jackson the VIIIth.' You know, 2002 was supposed to be the year that I rose back to pop prominence with a new album, a benefit single for the survivors of 9/11, and the enigmatic addition of an infant to my growing brood of similarly named and dubiously acquired offspring. Yes, this was going to be Crazy Michael Jackson's year. But it didn't really work out that way, did it? Because I was foiled by the very, very devilish Tommy Mottola! And the very, very devilish media! And the very, very devilish German fans, who hypnotized me with their devilish, devilish German eyes and commanded me to dangle my poor son over the balcony with a towel over his head! Not to mention that very, very devilish Justin Timberlake, who stole all my old moves and some of my old clothes, too! I think he might even have my old nose somewhere! Oy, what a year. Oh, and my face is falling off. Did I mention that part? That my face is falling off? Yes, I know -- it's lots of fun to laugh at ol' Crazy Michael Jackson. But please, I need help. Liz Taylor, you're supposed to be my friend -- organize a damn intervention already. What's it going to take, people? Seriously. Come on, Macauley, step up. Liza, David -- oh, never mind. You've got your own issues."

Saturn - It's getting chilly in here! I've got an extra sweatshirt if you need it!
"Hi, I'm Whitney Houston. Maestro, a little music please. And... I-eee-I-eee-I... Don't smoke no cra-ah-a-ah-ack! I don't smoooke no craaa--ah--aah--ack! Thank you. You know, as we look back over the year that was, let 2002 be remembered as the year that Whitney Houston finally cleared up the fact that she don't smoke no crack. That's my pledge to you, America. Next time you see me acting in a bizarre and inexplicable manner, you can now tell yourself with 100% confidence, 'Whatever it is, it's not crack.'"

Uranus - It's getting cold in here! So break out the mittens from the closet! No, the other closet!
"Hi, we're The Osbournes. We'd like to announce that in a final act to commemorate our insane if fleeting notoriety -- before we take our permanent place in the culture as the Partridge Family of the early twenty-first century -- Ozzy's face is going to be added to Mount Rushmore. Yes, we know -- there's no room for more faces. That's why they'll be changing Teddy Roosevelt into Ozzy. He's already got the little round glasses. And who the hell ever watched The Roosevelts?"

Neptune - It's getting freezing in here! So put your snowpants on!
"Hi, I'm Christina Aguilera. Well, it was fun while it lasted. I just spoke to Britney, and she feels the same way too. I mean, really, after my parade of increasingly skanktacular outfits and that video for 'Dirrty,' I have to assume there's nothing more I can do to keep your attention, short of going on TRL, bending over, and sticking my head inside my own vagina."

Pluto - It's neither hot nor cold, but the sight of you nakedness repulses me! So put back on all of your clothes!
"Hi, we're Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Who better to have the final word on the year in celebrity that was 2002? We encapsulated it all. First, there was our wedding, with that classic photo of us, Crazy Michael Jackson, and Liz Taylor -- the negatives of which were recently added to the Smithsonian's Fall of Western Civilization time capsule. Then there was our aborted reality show -- because, you know, nothing says 'reality' like the everyday lives of Liza Minnelli and David Gest. And now we're embroiled in that most American of pastimes, the frivolous lawsuit. You see, VH1 wanted to air a show that made us look like fools (you know, in the vein of that Anna Nicole Smith thing). But we didn't want to be made to look like fools, so we wouldn't let them film a lot of what we were doing. So they canned the show. Now we're suing them for canning the show that was supposed to make us look like fools. Because America has a right to see us not look like fools! Or to not see us look like fools! Or whatever! All we know is that we won't be made to look like fools! At least not unless we have satisfactory profit participation! Well VH1 -- see you in the Supreme Court. And to all the rest of you, we wish you a happy holiday and a healthy New Year."