Mercury - Rolling Boil "Hi, I'm Sharon Stone! Look! It's me! Look! Hey! Over here! In the witchy boots and the dress made out of the shreds of what was left of Courtney Love's garbage-bag dress a couple of years ago after she tore it off herself trying to entice Edward Norton back into her bed and then ran over the torn halves with a lawnmower! I found it in the garbage! But, look -- they sewed it back together, kind of, with ruffles! Hey! I fell asleep in the limo -- where am I? Did I brush my hair? Is my mom here to pick me up yet? Is that champagne? Award show? Am I nominated? Did I win? I'm a winner! Hey, where'd the camera go? Hi! Hey! Cameraman! My husband isn't here so if you make sure to get my arms-over-my-head reaction shot to each and every award announcement, I'll give you a handjob in Dick Clark's trailer! No, it's okay -- Dick's cool! Hey! Look! I got up on stage! Hi, everybody! Look at me! It's me! Sharon! Me! Over here! Hi! Oops, I almost fell over! Wow! Hello! And the winner is...Richard Gere! Look, cameraman, we have a deal, right? Keep it on me! Me! Hi! Me! Hi! Me! Hey! Hi! Me! Woo! Richard Gere! With me!"

Venus - Bubbles Aplenty
"Hi, I'm Richard Gere. I would thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for this award, but as you can see by the Buddhist rosary I have wrapped around my wrist tonight, I am a very serious and observant Buddhist and awards mean nothing to me. So I have nothing to thank you for. However, now that I have made it onto a stage and in front of an international television audience, I intend to take this opportunity -- one that very well could never be presented to me again, if Red Corner and Autumn in New York are accurate predictors of my future career choices -- to use the apparently limitless time allotted for my acceptance speech to filibuster about my political beliefs. I mean, sure, I could just do as the other Chicago winners will do and fellate Rob Marshall -- who, truly, is some sort of film-directing superman sent to Earth from another world we can only begin to fathom, and for whose existence we must be constantly expressing our gratitude, lest he and his alien overlords get angry with us and unleash their wrath upon our planet and its inferior film directors -- but instead, I am just going to keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking until all of you at home are asking each other, 'Why is he still talking? No, seriously, why? He's only Richard Gere!' And then you will understand that my interminable speech is just my way of protesting China's oppression of the people of Tibet. Because 'why is Richard Gere still talking?' is a question Tibetans are forced to ask themselves all the time."

Wait, Richard, you dropped a card! Look, it's me, Sharon Stone, helping you! Supporting you, you might say! Like I could support you in a movie sometime, if you want! I'm useful! Hey! Hi! Over here! If you didn't hear me I can speak into your microphone! Woo! Hi! Sharon Stone!

Earth - Whistling Kettle
"Hi, I'm Lara Flynn Boyle. When Uncle Jack said he didn't want to date me anymore, I got sad! And I made a frowny face, and I moped around my house, and I cwied and cwied, and then I was really bad and...ssh, don't tell Uncle Jack, but I ate an Oreo! I know! But then I found a way to make myself feel better! I made myself a pretty, pretty ballerina! Look how I twirl and twirl! Whee! I'm not an adult woman who has to be accountable for her actions or behave in a socially acceptable fashion! I'm a little girl! I haven't even been through puberty yet! See? No boobies! La la la, pretty ballerina."

Wow, Lara Flynn Boyle, you are fun! You look pretty! But you're threatening to get more camera time than me, Sharon Stone, by acting out your psychodramas! That's my job! Hey! Cameraman! Look, I found a shiny bead on the floor! Shiiiiiiiiny!

Mars - Lots of Steam
"Lara, sweetheart, if this is what you're into now, there's an old director buddy of mine who'd probably really hit it off with you. Hi, I'm Jack Nicholson. What the hell is this thing? Oh, right, a Golden Globe. Well, that makes seven of these cockamamie things you people have given me. That's one to stick behind each of the wheels of my '72 Porsche to keep it from rolling down the driveway, and then three more to hold the extra TP in the bathrooms of my summer house. Thanks for this: it'll come in real handy."

Jupiter - Hot to the Touch
"Not so fast, Nicholson, you cur! I'm Bill the Butcher, and you're holding the property of a true American! Wipe the damn cunny juice off your chin and meet me in the Five Points for a real rowdy-down! I didn't spend three days training myself not to blink when I tapped my knife on this glass eye here just to see a fat old man waltz off with my swag just for combing his hair over his bald spot and sitting on his arse in a forty-foot horseless carriage. I'm going to paint Paradise Square with your blood, Nicholson. Two coats. And you tell the waitress, I'll have the roast beef! With a baked potato!"

Hi! Look at me! I'm Sharon Stone! I can stick a knife in my eye, too -- look! Oops! Doesn't hurt -- I'm on fourteen kinds of prescription painkillers, plus a bottle of Listerine! Hey! Hi!

Saturn - A Nice Cup of Tea
"Hi, I'm Sarah Jessica Parker. I'm sure you're wondering how, when I only gave birth to my son about fifteen minutes ago, I can already have slimmed back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and feel comfortable appearing in public in a sleeveless corset and body-skimming slacks. Well, gals, I'll let you in on my little secret: the real Sarah Jessica Parker is sitting at home, playing with her baby and working her way through her third bag of mint Milanos. I am, in fact, one of eleven clones Madonna had commissioned back on the Blonde Ambition tour to help her fulfill all her concert dates. Really! See, they didn't even change the hair! They just stuck some putty on my chin and my nose and sent me out here. Gosh, a lot's changed since I've been in suspended animation! Like, why does that girl from Footloose need to go to an award show, anyway?"

Uranus - Tepid Bathwater
"Hi, I'm Renée Zellweger, y'all! I realize that, normally, my gawky mannerisms and poor posture and up-talking the ends of all my sentences (like, how? Rob Marshall? Really is the greatest director in this and all known galaxies? And how I really don't want him or anyone from his homeworld to hurt me or my family? So I will really just keep going on and on? About how great he is? Just to make sure?) and phony down-home-girl routine would bug the shit out of you. But tonight, between Sharon Stone's attempts to become the new Elizabeth Taylor, and Lara Flynn Boyle sitting under the dessert table braiding her hair and eating pudding with her fingers, I just don't even register. So thanks for taking the focus off me, girls! And thank you, Rob Marshall, from whom all good things originate, and who rules us wisely and benevolently."

Hi! Renée! Hi! You're welcome, Renée! Hey, if you don't want to gain all that weight again for another Bridget Jones movie, I -- Sharon Stone -- can do it! I can look like I'm in my early thirties! I can! I can do it! Just give me a chance! Me! Chance! Sharon Stone! Over here! Look, look how young I look over here next to Maria Shriver! Hey!

Neptune - Cold Shower
"Freeze! This is Catherine Zeta-Jones, and she has to put on a brave face. She's at her first big awards show of the year, and she's just been passed over for an award in favour of a co-star many critics have said is vastly inferior to Catherine herself. In fact, as her co-star very slowly makes her way to the stage to accept her award, that's Catherine's voice you hear singing on the theme song. With T-Mobile, Catherine could get her co-star out of the running for future awards by calling a major twenty-four-hour cable news channel and leaking the story that her co-star is a white-slaver who also dabbles in illegal organ sales. You see how T-Mobile makes the world better?"

Look, now I -- Sharon Stone -- am sitting by Martin Scorsese! Yeah! I love cell phones! Even when people pick out ring tones that send me coded messages telling me to set hobos on fire!

Pluto - Gatorade Dumped Over Your Head
"Hello, we are Salma Hayek's Breasts. We just wanted to prove that just because we can be somber and reflective, in a serious art film like Frida, it doesn't mean we can't also show off our playful side in a really hot dress. We are multi-faceted breasts. Hey, don't you have any manners? Don't look at her face. We are down here."