Mercury - Follow Spot "HA HA HA HA HA! Bow before me, puny humans, for I am Rob Marshall, and I have conquered your world! Two months ago, you didn't know who I was. I had never made one of your 'earth movies' before. But now, I sneer down at all of you from the highest heights of the Oscar-nomination heap. And also, all my sweet bitches got nominated, too. I AM YOUR GOD."

Venus - Stadium Lights
"Hello, I'm Martin Scorsese. Remember in 1981, when I got a Best Director nomination for Raging Bull, and you gave it to Robert Redford for Ordinary People, when he had never directed a film before that? And then remember in 1991, when I got a Best Director nomination for GoodFellas, and you gave it to Kevin Costner for Dances With Wolves, when he had never directed a film before that? Right. Now, I realize that Gangs of New York wasn't the best movie I've made in my long and illustrious career, but you owe me, Oscar voters. And if you give it to this punk instead of me, I'll...well, I'll make a sequel to Bringing Out the Dead, is what I'll do. Speaking of which..."

Earth - Klieg Lights
"Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage. Thank you so much for this nomination; it really means a lot. You know, after doing all those bad action movies one after the other just for the money, it meant a lot to me to get to do a film that allowed me to return to my roots as a dramatic actor, so this project was very personal to me. And you know, I really feel like we made a very eloquent, exciting statement with it. And I think everyone else who was involved with me on Windtalkers felt the same way about it. Damn, that Windtalkers was good. Better than Captain Corelli's Mandolin, even!"

Mars - House Lights
"Hello, I'm Kathy Bates. I'm so touched that the Academy recognized my work in About Schmidt. I realize that the media is taken with this idea that Jack Nicholson is finally starring opposite women his own age, of the kind that he -- were he not an immensely rich movie star -- would probably actually have a chance at sleeping with, as opposed to Helen Hunt or whoever else normally has to pretend she gets off on playing with his jowls. And I realize also that critics can't stop talking about my 'brave' nude scene, where I display my very real fifty-three-year-old breasts in front of Jack in that hot tub, and how funny it is that he acts all befuddled and disgusted by me, like, ha ha, real funny, my boobs are saggier than Lara Flynn Boyle's. Sure. It's a riot. And I know it may not look like I'm doing all that much in that movie because I make it look so natural, but trust me: making an audience believe that I wanted to get it on with Jack Nicholson was the greatest acting challenge of my entire life. He practically left an oil slick on the surface of that hot tub. [shudder]"

Jupiter - Flashlight
"Hi, I'm Salma Hayek, speaking on behalf of the Miramax army. We are satisfied with the six nominations you've granted to Frida, and we will stop the bombing and release the hostages, as agreed."

Saturn - Penlight
"Hello, I'm Julianne Moore. I am absolutely stunned and thrilled to be nominated both in the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress categories. Now, I know some of you wags out there have commented that the two roles for which I'm nominated -- a sad '50s housewife in Far From Heaven, and a miserable '50s housewife in The Hours -- are just a teensy bit similar, so that maybe it doesn't seem, to the disinterested observer, like there's really all that much craft evident in my performances, since the two have so much in common. And I'll grant you that it may seem that way. But let's just say it might not have been as difficult for me to act as though I was very attracted to the tall, handsome, statuesque, and charming Dennis Haysbert in Far From Heaven as it was to act as though I could havve ever been attracted to the bumbling, pug-faced lummox John C. Reilly in The Hours. Ladies, I think you know what I am saying here."

Uranus - Itty Bitty Book Light
"Hi, I'm John C. Reilly, and...hey! But I have so much inner beauty!"

Neptune - Bug Zapper
"Hello, I'm Christopher Walken. Two mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse -- let's call him Haing S. Ngor, for no particular reason -- quickly gave up, pretty much had no career as far as Hollywood was concerned, and drowned. The second mouse fought and struggled and took every damn part that came his way -- even in utter shit like Kangaroo Jack and Last Man Standing, if it meant he'd be working on something -- until he churned that cream into butter, and he crawled his way out. I think you know which mouse I am."

Pluto - Candle
"Yo, I'm Eminem. What the hell is an Oscar? I was in a movie this year? If I go to this thing, will I have to hug Elton John again? Who's Steve Martin? Nah, forget it; see if they can get Robin Williams to sing 'Lose Yourself' instead of me. If he can't do it, Faith Hill probably can."