Mercury - Napalm "Hi, I'm Nia Vardalos, Yeah, sure, okay. I guess starring in, and writing, the most successful romantic comedy of all time isn't really enough to earn you a Best Actress nod. Even though I reached out and touched the heart of America with my magic fingers, why should the Academy recognize li'l ol' me? Just so some half-coked up presenter can fumble my name before they hand the statue to Nicole Kidman? I guess you figured I wouldn't fit in with all those statuesque movie stars. Or maybe, because I'm currently starring in a sitcom on CBS, you figured I just wasn't 'Hollywood' enough. So be it. Then again, Tom Hanks was on Bosom Buddies, and you never held that against him."

Venus - Flamethrower
"That's right -- I was the cute one in the brunette wig. Hi, I'm Tom Hanks. What, no Oscar nod for Road to Perdition? Even though I really switched things up? After all those years of playing a likable, good-hearted Everyman, this time I threw you a curve ball and played a likable, good-hearted hit man. And yet -- nothing. But an Oscars without Tom Hanks is like a day without sunshine! It's like a the Captain without Tennille! It's like an ice cream cone with neither ice nor cream, leaving you with a cone full of whatever that stuff is that they sell at McDonald's."

Earth - Blowtorch
"Hi, I'm Dennis Quaid. want rough-and-tumble leading man in a sleeper summer hit? I give you The Rookie. You want fey and volatile closeted husband in fancy-shmancy art film? I give you Far from Heaven. And what do you give me? A ticket in the balcony next to Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman. Thanks a bunch! Why do I even bother? I'm calling my agent and having him set up Great Balls of Fire II: Greater, Ballsier, Fierier!"

Mars - Zippo
"Hi, I'm Adam Sandler. Remember back when Punch-Drunk Love came out and people were actually mentioning my name and 'Oscar' in the same sentence, and they weren't talking about some Odd Couple remake with me and David Spade? What happened? I mean, besides the fact that I released that animated comedy that seemed specifically designed to torpedo any warm feelings towards me that the voting members of the Academy may once have entertained. Geez -- one 'poopsicle' joke and suddenly you're blackballed. So I guess I shouldn't hold my breath for a nomination in 2004 for my work in Anger Management. Especially given the planned December release of my claymation holiday film, Adam Sandler Drops A Yule Log."

Jupiter - Strike-Rite Matches
"Hi, I'm Patricia Clarkson. Hey, here's an idea: give Julianne Moore two nominations for playing the same part in two different movies, thus squeezing me and my nuanced turn as her supportive yet small-minded best friend in Far from Heaven right out of the category. You know, I helped make that movie good too, you know. Who do you think she was acting with, Jar Jar Binks?"

Saturn - Half-Empty Bic
"Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Whysa mesa not nominated? Mesa so much more good in Attack of the Clones than ever before! But everybody wanna talka about Missa Gollum! When mesa da original annoying CG character! Mesa demand a recount!"

Uranus - Soggy matches
"Hi, I'm Richard Gere. What, no Best Actor nomination? Come on, people! I killed myself preparing for that role! I learned to sort of sing! I learned to kind of tapdance! It was good enough for the Golden Globes! Then again, so was Jim Carrey in The Truman Show."

Neptune - A Magnifying Glass in the Summer
"Hi, I'm Steven Spielberg. Shut out Tom Hanks, and shut out me. Hey, I made two of the best films of my career, but whatever. It's not like I need any more Oscars -- all my doors stay open by themselves just fine, thank you. And let's face it -- I know that you know that everyone knows that if either Minority Report or Catch Me If You Can had come out in 2001, I would have been kicking Ron Howard's ballcap-sporting heinie all over that auditorium."

Pluto - Flint and Kindling
"Hi, remember me? I'm Todd Haynes, director of Far From Heaven. Wow, this movie didn't age well. If only they held the Oscars in October."